I Can't Believe We Have Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Keep It Green

Brand Imagery: Butterflies and leaves over grass or some shit

Brand Promise: An all-natural bathroom experience

Feels Like: Wiping with a scout badge

Brand: Slurpass* Surpass* Facial Tissue

Brand Imagery: A black oval, some beige leaves, and the brand name accompanied by an asterisk asshole

Brand Promise: Like nothing you've ever used before

Feels Like: Like nothing you've ever used before– like a radioactive cactus on fire

Brand: North River

Brand Imagery: What looks like the Led Zeppelin Zoso Symbols

Brand Promise: "A Stairway To Heaven"

Feels Like: "Trampled Under Foot"

Brand: Green Heritage

Brand Imagery: Leaves, leaves leaves.

Brand Promise: A feeling like being set adrift on a raft of billowing leaves

Feels Like: Sasquatch going in dry

Brand: Mont Royal

Brand Imagery: A fancy cursive name in royal blue

Brand Promise: A regal time on "the throne"

Feels Like: A violent revolt (with torches) in the central valley

Brand: Soft Touch

Brand Imagery: Rounded cursive letters over a soothing blue background

Brand Promise: "We won't hurt you..."

Feels Like: "...much."

UAG

Hey, EADJ, Put A Record On I Wanna Dance With My Baby

You can't make a tiger change its spots. You can't make a shark evolve more. And you can't make Joel eat more dick than he already does.

Two weeks ago a self-proclaimed "life coach" Jerry Fusili offered his services to Joel. He vowed to get Joel to tighten his buttocks, sculpt his abs and get the cock-eating muscles in his jaw to expand. Joel was reluctant but agreed.

Four days into a new regimen, Mr. Fusili had sculpted Joel's buttocks into the shape of a large, pale, hairy taco holder. Joel's abs were well-defined but soft in the middle. And Joel showed no marked improvement in his cock-eating skillz, which were by the way already excellent.

So on the fifth day Joel fired Jerry Fusili. They never even discussed a payment plan, so they parted ways with a deep kiss and a firm shake of their dongs.

(pictured above, the Bucktown Beanery is very mean with their cookie tags)