Something I Noticed On YouTube

Served up to me on the algorithm after watching a video by Djo:

Geez. Does every cast member of "Stranger Things" have a record deal? What an incredibly talented group of people. Where's Dustin's dance video for "The Neverending Story"?

The Grammys!

Tonight, CBS presents the 408th Annual Grammys, celebrating the best in music for 2023-2024.

featuring performances by:

Hecklerlog

Sponch Deluxe

Gabby Filagree

Könsommé

1040-EZ & the Auditors

The Walter Grant Simonson, Jr. Auditory Adventure Explosion

Whack

At the Cusp of Employment

HAGGADAGGALAGGAYAGGA

Open Mic Night (which a very confusing band name for bookings)

Yuri & Abidemi Hate You

They Rhyme

The ProofrEADJer: March Edition

Meanwhile, in Joliet:

Wait a minute. I thought this one misspelled "PUTIN" but realized it's correct. And better.

Wait, which is the UNSWEET END? PUT IT IN – *RUMP

Some Thoughts On Seeing The Ad for 10,000 Maniacs Playing at the SOPAC

• That's not Natalie Merchant

• Yeah,  I'm pretty sure that's not Natalie Merchant

• Not that I care that much, but where is Natalie Merchant?

• Maybe her bandmates found her just as boring and bland as I do?

• Who is this new woman? And why did it have to be a woman?

• Why didn't they just hire a Filipino dude like Journey did?

• That's not Edie Brickell, is it?

• I'm no historian, but I'm pretty sure they didn't create the Alternative Rock format. Pixies did.

• Does this new vocalist sound like Natalie Merchant, pronouncing all her vowels as As?

• If Natalie Merchant put on glasses, would she resemble Janeane Garofalo?

• What's on TV on Sunday, March 26 at 7:30pm?

EADJ Fashion Roundup: The "OR" Edition

Muppet? Or Kevin from "Up?"

 Bassist for OK Go? Or Wooly Willy option?

Chelsea Hipster in Skinny Jeans? Or Hulk Half-Angry?

New Money? Or Time-Traveling Prostitute from the 70s?

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Chedda didn't care if his friends made fun of him- he bowled his best games with the 5 lb. kiddie ball.

"Aw, shit. Your ass just got CHUBSNUGGED!"

A quick peek inside the giant blue condom showed the prevention of at least eight hopeful emcees.

This is appropriate because people desperately want DJ Clue to go away and die but he keeps coming back again and again with shitty reverb sound effects.

"Hi, I'm La Chat, and I'll be your hibachi chef tonight. No, Joe Watanabe is out sick, but I got you, honey."

Jody and Ernie stood at the valet stand for an awkward 10 minutes before realizing someone stole their car.

Young Dolph later got an official cease and desist letter from the Nation of Zamunda.

CHUBSNUGGED!

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

 

It's time once again to prune the tree of friendship. Not something we particularly enjoy, but once in a while a Facebook friend becomes so unbearable that it's time to cut 'em loose. This one is L________ from R_____, __ who has regularly flooded my news feed with odd phrases which I soon learned were overwrought lyrics from his favorite songs. Lyrics. Like he's drunk and singing outside my living room window. "Hey, you remember Bob Seger, right? Working on our NIGHT MOVES..."

And sure, everyone is entitled to post their favorite lyric or whatever, but not THE ENTIRE SONG, LINE BY LINE IN SEPARATE POSTS.

And you know he didn't type all that out- ⌘C, ⌘V

I've blurred out his name and replaced his profile pic to protect L______'s identity:

 

 

And I don't have anything against Dave Matthews or Peter Frampton, mind you.

 

So I just picture L______ chilling at home on the sofa with his tunes cranking, and he's on his laptop, typing everything he hears. "Ahh, a nice, relaxing evening of transcribing Dave Matthews, polluting the newsfeed of everyone I know."

 

He'll never love you, the way that I love you 'Cause if he did, no no, he wouldn't make you cry He might be thrillin' baby but a-my love (My love, my love)  So dog-gone willin', so kiss him (I wanna see you kiss him, wanna see you kiss him) Go on and kiss him goodbye, now 


(chorus)
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye 

(fade out)

Kleenex® Nags The Public

Spotted in a recent issue of Advertising Age: Kleenex takes out a full page ad to remind the public not to use its name as a generic synonym for tissue.


"by using the name Kleenex® as a generic term for tissue, you risk erasing our coveted brand name that we've worked so hard for all these years."

And why would I give a shit again? Do I have any vested interest in erasing your coveted brand name? Look, I just need a snotrag to wipe my boogers. I don't care if you grab me a tissue or a Kleenex® or a ShamWow™. Here, just give me that Sock®.


"Just pretend it's in permanent marker." Fuck you, Kleenex. I'm gonna pretend I'm blowing my nose with all the money you spent on this ad. In fact, I'm gonna xerox a kleenex, seal it up with cellophane and scotch tape, then fedex it to you in a thermos filled with dry ice. How about that, motherfuckers®?

An Entomologist Reviews The Bab-E-Safe™ Janglebugs

Eat A Dick Joel has asked famed entomologist and founding member of the New York Entomological Society Lionel Monod, Ph.D. to do a guest review the popular baby's product Janglebugs, manufactured by the Bab-E-Safe Corporation in Akron, Ohio. Here are his observations:


First off, I'd like to state how appalled I am that this blog has asked me to review what are clearly not genuine insect specimens. My extensive training at the University of Michigan and the Rochester Zoological Institute has overqualified me to examine or critique these gimcracks and gewgaws aimed at infants. But since they did pay me with a coupon good for $5 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut, I guess I have to honor my end of the bargain. Sigh.

The "Bee"


The crude black and yellow stripes on this specimen lead me to believe the Bab-E-Safe™ manufacturers were aiming to depict a bee of the Bombus genus, in the family Apidae, more commonly known as the "bumble bee."

John Maynard Smith, a noted biologist with a strong background in aeronautics, once pointed out that bumble bees would not be expected to sustain flight, as they would need to generate too much power given their tiny wing area. The Janglebug "bee" absurdly has gigantic (blue!) wings that forego this entire scientific discussion.

Oh. Also, bees don't generally have a gigantic stupid grin on their faces, as they don't have lips that can make them smile.


The "Ladybug"


This one offends me even more than the others.

Coccinellidae is a family of beetles, more commonly known as "ladybirds" or "ladybugs." And of course, the temptation is to reduce the specimen to a red insect with several black dots on the wing covers, which Bab-E-Safe™ naturally did without hesitation. But not only did they ignore basic beetle anatomy; they showed the ladybug smiling (with lips it doesn't have) with its "face" pointing the wrong way! The wing covers are on the coccinellidae's back, not it's front! That's just oversimplifying and perverting basic nature, there. Patently UNACCEPTABLE.



The "Butterfly"


Okay, fine. I'm not going to go through the order Lepidoptera being the day-flying group consisting of butterflies and moths, because we all know this. Everyone except Bab-E-Safe™, who somehow think cobbling together blue wings and a purple spotted abdomen (where is the motherfucking thorax?!!) while wearing a stupid fucking grin counts as a "butterfly." Christ. In what city is the Bab-E-Safe™ headquarters based? I think I want to firebomb their place.

Summary
Look, I am but a simple entomologist. My work is not stressful or demanding. Hell, lots of people examine insects as a hobby. But for this blog to ask me to review this preposterous set of zoological blasphemies is beyond my comprehension or abilities. Here's that pizza coupon back, EADJ. I gotta go make some Molotov cocktails and head out to Akron, Ohio.