Royal Match Review Update

Note: This is an update to a May 16 entry

It has recently been brought to our attention that the feckless, helpless, useless king in the Royal Match mobile game has a name:

KING ROBERT. That's the name given to the constant need to be rescued, to the uncanny ability to find themselves in very specific types of danger, and to the inability to properly govern your subjects because you're almost getting drowned by snowman vomit. LONG LIVE KING ROBERT

The Ineffectual King in the Royal Match Mobile Game

If you've ever been on YouTube or Facebook lately, you've likely seen ads for Royal Match! A casual puzzle game that features a cartoon king in constant need of rescue.

He's always in danger of drowning or being buried alive or getting sliced by swinging saw blades. My first thought is, He's a king. Where is his security detail? How are they allowing him to always get into these situations? Is this a sexual kink of his?

I mean, it's a twist on the damsel in distress trope, I guess. But it does annoy me to see the supposed monarch of a sovereign nation groveling and begging like a pathetic coward. Have some self respect, your highness!

New Circles of Hell Announced!

Lucifer—in conjunction with Hell Properties LLC and Caswell Architects Inc.—is happy to announce the expansion of the 9 Circles of Hell into 20 Circles (with additional retail space).

Construction begins in June of 2018 A.D., and the exciting new 11 circles will be open in October of 2020, A.D., so be sure to die damned sometime after that month. Here now are those new expanded circles:

Circle 10: People who backed up on the freeway to the exit they just missed

Circle 11: Jews. Just kidding! Catholics

Circle 12: Any contestant from MTV's Road Rules/Real World/The Inferno/Battle of the Sexes 2/The Island/The Gauntlet/Challenge Cutthroat or any version of that fucking shit

Circle 13: People who work at salad places but don't put a fork in the bag for you

Circle 14: People in movie theaters who text on their phones when the announcement to turn off your phones comes on

Circle 15: The members of New Edition who were not in Bell Biv DeVoe

Circle 16: Those three lying dickheads on Fox & Friends

Circle 17: People who don't clean up their dog's shit in public spaces

Circle 18: Freeloaders who try every sample at Costco

Circle 19: Clients who give you an assignment and tell you to "have fun with it"

Circle 20: Any millennial who has ever performed a ukulele cover of any kind

Retail spaces: Baby Devil Gap, Jamba Jizz, Abercrombie & Fitch, Lids, Lady Foot Locker, Damelot Music, Brimstone Creamery, Flay-A-Bear Workshop, Orange Julius

UAG

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Start A Ska Band

1) Learn an instrument. Some common instruments in ska-punk are electric/acoustic guitars, electric bass, double bass, drums, piano, trumpet, trombone and sax.

2) Next you need people who play instruments and/or can sing. At the very least, you will need someone to play electric/acoustic guitar, bass, drums, and a brass/woodwind instrument such as trumpet, trombone or sax. Some popular variations are the use of an upright bass as opposed to the usual bass guitar, or the inclusion of keyboards, which are vital if you want more of a traditional two-tone or classic Jamaican Ska sound.

3) Get together and write some songs. Some people prefer to write a complete set of lyrics before building a song around them, while some write the music first. Meet with your bandmates often and find out what works for you.

4) Practice! Often. Ideally, find a place where you won't bother anybody with noise and where you won't be interrupted.

5) Record everything so that you can listen to it and make changes. Sometimes listening to yourself on tape can help you to pick out things in your performance of a song that you might not otherwise have noticed.

6) Get booked. Once you have a solid set of songs, go out and play as many shows as you can. You want to get people in your local area excited about your band, and want to see more.

7) Do what you want with your recordings. You may want to record a short album or demo album, which you can send to labels or sell at concerts!

And speaking of albums, when riding in the back of my limo to the airport, if you want me to take you through a drive through, please turn down the CD player in the back so the clerk can hear your order. You're wasting their time, you're wasting my time, and you're wasting your own time, otherwise. That's just common courtesy. I can't believe I have to say it in this day and age. Be safe, kids.

Not Really A ProofrEADJer

Spotted in Blah Blah Local Paper, a caption that I thought would work in the EADJ ProofrEADJer but wasn't sure:


"Panel commiserating Dr. Martin Luther King Jr."

I'm pretty sure they meant "commemorating." But I guess it sort of works with "commiserating." I mean, "commiserate" means to express or feel sympathy or pity, or to sympathize, so of course that Local Union #269 (or is it #108?) panel could actually have been doing that.

Still, I'm guessing they meant to "commemorate" the late Dr. King. He doesn't need their sympathy or pity. Whatever feelings they have should be commensurate with the stature of their subject.

R.I.P. George Steinbrenner

July 4, 1930 – July 13, 2010

You were a cranky, rash, unpleasant son of a bitch. But goddamn, you were a hell of a baseball owner. And the Yankees' continued dominance in baseball and American culture is your legacy. Rest well, George.


Perfect. Just when we're feeling down, the pewter harbinger of suck shows up. Worse than a salt in the wound, you're like a splintery shoe tree forced into someone's dry asshole. And what the hell is a shoe tree again?


It was a RHETORICAL QUESTION, you overhelpful turdstain of a suckup. Just shut the fuck up, Pewter Bear, you sniveling, shiny venereal scab. I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A EULOGY. And you show up after a long break (which we all fucking LOVED) and impose your intolerable horribleness in the middle of a tender moment? And didn't you show up when Michael Jackson/Farrah Fawcett died last year? Your timing is impeccable, you ass-eating shartsucker. Why are you so unbelievably murderable?

Now I've lost my train of thought. All I can think about are shoe trees. GODDAMN YOUR SOUL TO HELL, PEWTER BEAR! BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY AND NEVER MELT DOWN!

All Hail!

Regally he strode along the super-steep course, with a monocle in his eye and a racing helmet under his arm. He opened a small brass box from the pocket of his baja assault pants and took a pinch of snuff. "Today is a great day for a very muddy and noisy race!" he proclaimed as trumpeteers signaled commencement of the Amp Xtreme 2010 Invitational.

Mel Reacts To My Parents' Reaction to 2 Girls 1 Cup

Here is my parents' original reaction.

Best Ad Ever. Of the Week.

Wow. So many reasons why this ad is awesome.

• The pun using Yiddish
• The shitty clipart with the inexplicable motion lines
• The bad collage-work resulting in George Washington with a purse around his neck
• The implication that Washington was late in crossing the Delaware and needed the help of a shitty packaging store in the Ukrainian Village
• The fact that I'm vaguely aroused

Oooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaahh!

EADJ wishes both of its readers a Happy Independence Day.