I've Heard Keith Richards Called Lots of Things, But Not That Before.

UAG

An IM Convo

See the link for "Tom Selleck Hasn't Smiled Since "Mr. Baseball" in the Link-O-Rama to the right for context. →

And as promised, if you scroll below, you will see that we have bestowed the Dark Chocolate Mollusk Award to Tom at the bottom of the webpage for being the first EADJ acquaintance to randomly make it into the Link-O-Rama. Tom will be celebrating this victory with friends and family at the Long Island City Sizzler, located on Vernon Boulevard in Hunters Point.

Dut Dut Dut Dut Racist Appliances!

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, Dummy."
"Don't call me Dummy. My name is Donnie."
"Hey, Dummy, what's the name of that trucking company we use to haul our auto parts?"
"I keep telling you not to call me that."
"Well?"
"Well, what?"
"What's the name of that trucking company, Dummy?"
"Oh. I forget."
"You're useless."
"I do remember that they had a logo of two dolphins fucking."
"I hate you."

Ain't No Time To Be Guffin' 'Bout No Lobsterfest®*

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster rages on like a humming tumid erection in a sophomore's pants. And we at Red Lobster have not stopped inventing new, exciting ways for you to succumb to the onslaught of obscenely plentiful lobster tail, mainly because we're afraid that once we stop, our lives essentially lose meaning. Here are the latest machinations from our laboratory of crustaceanism:

• We design a plasticine, protective fiberglass shell for you and your family to wear on your backs like lobsters. You'll conduct your day as usual, but now with the benefit of an exoskeleton to protect you from predators. And once you spend a week in your shells, you can appreciate how effective the exoskeletons are and then come to the restaurant and eat the everloving shit out of those stupid lobsters that didn't stand a chance against MAN! LOL! Stupid lobsters! HUMANS FUCKING OWN! That seems to indicate a sort of way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterest® at Red Lobster, but we could be mistaken.

• We fashion a gigantic slingshot from the crossbeams of our building. You sit in front of the slingshot as we load a bale (like of hay!) of lobster meat into the slingshot, pull it back as far as we can, and then ask you if you want a baleful of "THE MEAT." If you say no, we all act disappointed, disassemble the slingshot and sigh really loudly for the rest of the day. It would somewhat appear that that would be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterest® at Red Lobster, now that I think about it.

• You've heard of "CSI," right? Well, we'd do our version of it, but instead of murder victims, it would be people who couldn't decide what to have for dinner. Every episode would end with one of our "cops" suggesting that you should maybe have the lobster. See, that's the way we solve mysteries in OUR CITY. That concludes this special encore presentation of an episode of "CSI: Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!"

• We email you a coupon, and you delete it. That's a cyber-way to download lobster.doc at Lobsterfest®.com at http://www.RedLobster.geocities.org.

• We sprinkle lobster with crab meat. And with every bite you take of this concoction, you can't tell where the lobster starts and the crab ends. This forces you to re-evaluate everything you know about seafood, taking you on a vision quest to find your spirit animal, which by all accounts (and pretty much beyond our control) turns out to be a llama. See, that's no way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, is it? No.

• We vomit butter into your lap. You get really angry and threaten to sue. It's then that we introduce you to Jillian, who's been working here for about 3 months. You fall in love with her, but it turns out she's actually a cardboard standee of actress Ellen Barkin. I don't know what the fuck that just was, but it sure damn counts as enjoying lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Your friend Terry swings by our restaurant and doesn't tell you he's there. Then when you find out about it later, you get all mad because you were just down the street and he didn't bother to call you over. But it's all good, because he has that seven bucks he owes you for the time you spotted him when you guys when to see "Green Lantern." Terry's co-worker Paul even wrote down on a whiteboard:
"LOBSTER + LOBSTERFEST® X RED LOBSTER = PLEASE FORGIVE TERRY."

* I honestly wrote this entire entry drunk off Bud Light Lime, which for me these days only takes about 5.

Sometimes It Burns When I Lobsterfest®

Like a giant shimmering, buttery crablouse, Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster has laid its gelatinous eggs into the public consciousness and has kept dozens of us enthralled with its myriad lobster offerings. Here now are a few more fresh ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• We like to call this one "The Dumpster:" any patrons with the stomach for it can pay two dollars to climb into one of our garbage cans in the back. There among the filth, maggots and stench, you'll be armed with only a plastic bib and tongs to fight the raccoons and rats for the few remaining pieces of discarded lobster. Is it all worth the scratches, the rabies, and the two bucks for the measly few chunks of moldy shellfish? I guess. It's just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Your lifelong interest in botany drives you to discover a new genus of plant that uses a special lobster pheromone to attract only the biggest, juiciest lobsters and trap them. Fellow botanists will criticize your discovery as "just a stupid cactus with a couple of lobsters glued onto it," but it's only because they're so jealous of your findings. Now, that's one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We take a bunch of cool, fun things and throw them in with some interesting, amazing delicious stuff. This all gets worked up into a lather and, presto! Some really, memorable, cool, fantastic and specific things happen! Wow fuck, now that's another sweet way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Due to runaway demand and a limited supply of lobster, we now have to accept a special $500 "lobster deposit" for customers. Once your check clears, you are automatically entered in a reservation lottery to see if you have secured a table. The event will be oversold, so there's a really good chance that you will not get a table but still lose your deposit. Just another terrific way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Next year, you give up lobster for Lent. But because of the tempting morsels of succulent, moist lobster fritters we offer for a limited time, you break your holy vows with God and chow down anyway. You eventually get excommunicated from the Catholic Church, and even your closest Catholic friends stop praying for your wretched, damned soul. Hey, that's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Traffic cones are distributed to every table without explanation. Then halfway through the meal, world renowned stunt driver Wes Hollingberg drives a car through a wall in the restaurant and drops off a freshly-cooked lobster at each table! Sure, some patrons and servers will get accidentally killed in the endeavor, but that's all a part of being a stunt driver. That itself can be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!