C'mon, Let's Say Goodbye To Stuff That Advertisers Insist We Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Bye-Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains The San Antonio Spurs's Zip Trick Back Play

The San Antonio Spurs's offensive playbook is full of ways to overcome tight defense and find a way to move the rock and take advantage of the team's energy and athleticism. One of the tricks in their impressive arsenal is the "zip trick" playbook. Here now is an example of how one of their key offensive strategies, the "zip trick back", works: 

1) The 2 zipper cuts off 5 while 1 runs off the baseline triple

2) 3 cuts out the back off 5 while 2 passes to him for a jumpshot

And speaking of jumpsuits, when riding in the back of one of my limos, please don't throw your fast food wrappers or cups into the wastebasket near the partition. You'd be surprised how many times I've been splattered by cola or Big Mac special sauce while driving. Yuck!

Stay safe, kids!

Some Words and Phrases That Have Yet To Find Their Way Into A Jason Mraz Song

• cunt
• botched surgery
• strangulation
• anabolic
• eye-popping flavor
• stirrups
• garrotting
• Obamacare
• seminal vesicles
• grassy knoll
• sideboob
• Søren Aabye Kierkegaard
• body doubles
• frottage
• the ability of the Afghans to self govern
• Mushmouth from Fat Albert
• grenadine
• "controlling one's woman"
• plugin folders
• Dustin Diamond doing the Dirty Sanchez
• eye boogers
• target demographics
• convenience store sushi
• Injuns
• getting paid and it's the weekend coming and it's time to forget about the bad times
• Dusty Baker
• queefs
• mustard gas
• losing one's boner
• "Two Broke Girls"
• pissing matches
• matching pisses
• bacterial infections
• the nonexistence of God in a technological society
• Wisk detergent
• booty claps
• Kim Jong Un's fascination with the NBA

I Ponder An Ad Way Too Long

I was at the car rental in Chicago, and I spotted this display ad for Kia cars:




Okay, a pretty run-of-the-mill ad of a guy jumping over a sedan. But then I looked closer:


Is that guy *in* the car with his head poking out of the sunroof? You certainly can't see that guy's feet behind the car.

What's amazing is that they took the time to retouch a reflection of the basketball in the windshield, but they left that guard sitting there like he's wearing the car like a barrel. Or is he on his knees, sticking out of the trunk?

F.

R.I.P. George Steinbrenner

July 4, 1930 – July 13, 2010

You were a cranky, rash, unpleasant son of a bitch. But goddamn, you were a hell of a baseball owner. And the Yankees' continued dominance in baseball and American culture is your legacy. Rest well, George.


Perfect. Just when we're feeling down, the pewter harbinger of suck shows up. Worse than a salt in the wound, you're like a splintery shoe tree forced into someone's dry asshole. And what the hell is a shoe tree again?


It was a RHETORICAL QUESTION, you overhelpful turdstain of a suckup. Just shut the fuck up, Pewter Bear, you sniveling, shiny venereal scab. I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A EULOGY. And you show up after a long break (which we all fucking LOVED) and impose your intolerable horribleness in the middle of a tender moment? And didn't you show up when Michael Jackson/Farrah Fawcett died last year? Your timing is impeccable, you ass-eating shartsucker. Why are you so unbelievably murderable?

Now I've lost my train of thought. All I can think about are shoe trees. GODDAMN YOUR SOUL TO HELL, PEWTER BEAR! BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY AND NEVER MELT DOWN!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Shoot a Free Throw in Basketball

Balance yourself at the free throw line. Keep your feet shoulder-width apart and parallel to one another. Hold the ball by using the hand of your nonshooting arm to support and cradle it lightly. Place the middle three fingers of your shooting hand on the seams of the ball, with your thumb and palm acting as supports. (Keep your shooting forearm straight, and avoid tilting it to one side. Try to keep the arm that will be releasing the ball oriented toward the basket.)

Aim for a target just above the rim, and try not to shoot the ball short. A good target is the backboard shooting square drawn above the rim. Bend your knees. An accurate shot doesn't rely on arm strength; it uses leg strength to propel the shooter upward.

Shoot in one fluid motion, straightening your knees to strengthen the shot and your arm to provide aim. Release the ball with your fingertips. This allows you more control over your shot and a softer arc because of the backspin you create.

Finally, follow through by bending your shooting hand forward, as though you're reaching for the rim.

And speaking of reaching, when riding in my town car, I understand that if you're a prom kid or if you've never been in a limo before, you're going to like standing up with your head out of the sunroof and wave your arms in the air– everybody likes to do that. But when you start acting like a jerk by throwing my drinking glasses at cars or trying to moon people, that's when I slam on the breaks and tell you you're not getting your deposit back. Consider yourself warned, kids.

EADJ Friday Fun Contest Answer.

Tom was in the top right in the green T-shirt.
None of the submissions were correct, so the prize money goes back in the kitty.

Jessica Lets Rip A Secret