Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of Sept. 5 - Sept. 9

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Tim Ortegas <tortegas@67media.com>
To: All <Allstaff@67media.com> 
Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2022 9:13 AM
Subject: Zoom Etiquette / Job Numbers

Good morning everyone.

Just a quick note that if you're having a zoom call with clients, YOU MUST HAVE YOUR CAMERA ON. The client does not want to have a conversation with a thumbnail of a shocked Pikachu. They've told me as much.

Anyways, here are the job numbers for doing timesheets this week. Please submit by EOD Friday!

#955693 - Blending the contours

#223974 - Hiding the bodies

#808912 - Replacing Terrence Howard as Rhodey

#255305 - Promoting your stupid podcast

#930056 - Arguing with concert security

#503621 - Destroying the timeline

#141102 - Garden walk bullshit

Here Are Your Job Numbers For May 29

Doods and doodettes!

Mark from the mail room here. Some uppity upper ups have deputized me to remind (translation: nag) you fine folks to complete and submit your timesheets by 5pm today, otherwise Accounting can't  do their job of billing our clients and then WE don't get pizzaid!

So do your due doo-doo and help us HELP YOU!!!!

<3 mark="" p="">

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67982: Sending out sausage fest invites

49995: Collecting most but not all of the Infinity Stones

24133: Remembering your myspace password

04032: Telling the difference between Gleep and Gloop from the Herculoids

88210: Eating the cheese out of a "crackers and cheese' snack pack like it's cunnilingus

95255: Forgetting your troubles for a while

58243: Keeping the damn blanket on the streaker

08310: Ignoring Mark from the mail room (Hey!)

44812: Explaining the entire Resident Evil series storyline to your grandpa

32209: Secretly wishing for Whammies

95734: Sharting your kilt

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

The class wasn't ready for it when these two got on the desk and started fucking.

"smh" not "mml"

The outtakes for this shoot weren't awkward or embarrassing enough.

Everything about this cover irks me: the type, the fact that the wheels are turned, the open door, the guy smoking but there's nothing in his fingers. Grrrr.

It's not a double bass, but at least it's not a ukulele.

I don't know if that's another dog's leg, but if it is, that's fucking horrific and depressing. F

I hate trap music, Wale.

Hey, look. It's that "cash me outside" girl. Hard pass!

Didn't you hear? Every mixtape and album from Lil Wayne from now on will use a childhood photograph of him.

Fun fact: Super Mario Land is located in Brazil.

Part history lesson, part reddit.com/r/fuckmyshitup

I think I know exactly what this album sounds like.

Introduction to Photoshop: Lesson 1: Building Head Stacks on Shitty Mixtapes

Yet Even More Selections From The Sharper Image Catalog

Click to enlarge and read:

 

Jay's Majestic Blow-Out

Check out my co-worker Jay's impressive coif. In addition to telling him he resembled Michael Cera, I said, "Nice blow-out," and he didn't know what I meant. I said, "You know, like Pauly D from 'Jersey Shore,'" and he didn't know what that meant, either. Then he tells me he doesn't even own a TV. Goddamned hipster.




You can see how its magnificence is magnified during focus groups:

More Terrible Hip Hop Album Covers

And the following two submitted by Andrew Gall:

Aww, Hell No: Some Ill-Advised Hip Hop Covers

Promo card for G Stack and Deev Da Greed Presents Abraham Reekin', Vol. IV

So many questions. Why is Lincoln sitting on a cheesy overstuffed leather sofa from my cousin's studio apartment. Why the FDR-style cigarette blunt holder. How is "Reekin'" even remotely close to "Lincoln." I'd report this to the EADJ Pun Cops, but I don't think this even qualifies as a play on words. And do rappers' heroes always end up getting shot?



Plain, Pull My Finger

Combining fart humor with imagery from the L.A. riots of '92, Plain makes a statement both scatological and sociopolitical. Or not. Track 12 on this CD: "Restless Leg Syndrome" ft. T Nutty. It sounds as terrible as it sounds.


Big Kuntry King, My Turn To Eat

(CD cover courtesy of Andrew Gall)
Now, I do understand where this cover came from. The guy calls himself BK King or something, and two seconds later, you have a concept for the album art. But instead of going straight to shooting it, they should have asked, is this stupid? Some soul searching would have found a "yes."


L-Solo, I Am The Shit

Sigh. And I had that we had come so far since Millie Jackson:




Feuchte Traume, Frauenarzt
"Frauenarzt?!" Is that the name of the album or the sound that came out of her ass? Mein Gott!

The Whitest Kid U' Know

Pictured below, John Reid eases racial tensions at a hip hop festival by borrowing some sunblock.





It does look like she pepper sprayed him, doesn't it?

Please Consider Purchasing Our Fine Products, BOOOOOYYYYYYEEEEEE!

I ordered some hip hop CDs from a company in Brooklyn and got them last week, along with some interesting flyers:



It looks like the beginnings of a true hip hop empire; synergy and diversification and shit. First up, some hip hop smokes:


You know there's gotta be some serious rivalry between the East Coast and West Coast Cigarillo Sales Divisions.


A true hustler likes his smokes to taste like grape. Even his miniature cigars (?!?!?!?)

Next up, three choices for energy drinks: Mac Dre brand, 2Pac brand, and general Hunid Racks brand. I can't tell if the list above the cans are things that go well with the energy drinks or if they're the names of rappers who enjoy the drinks. Especially "Hunid Thow-Wow." I thought I saw him perform on Kimmel last night. And wasn't Bread that seventies band that sang "If?"


But probably most interesting is the "Whats (sic) a Real Hustler?" section on the back, which helps an ad planning department define the Hustler demographic:


A hustler never uses apostrophes and is too busy hustlin to check for spelling errors. And "Construction?!" What ever.

Joel's Got Onions

Hey, remember when Joel had that clam stuck to his neck? It happened again, but this time it's not attached to his neck, and it's not a clam. And it's in his kitchen. So it's pretty much exactly like that time.

Joel was dicing onions in his kitchen yesterday afternoon as he was making dick stew, when one of the onions rolled behind the stove. Joel tried using a broom, a wooden spoon, and even a dick to reach the darn thing, to no avail.

And since Joel couldn't move the stove without disconnecting the gas, he was one onion short of real dick onion stew. His brilliant solution? Just eat straight dick like he always does! Yaaaaaay, fun! Jesus, why do you read this blog?

(pictured above, a real CD. More info on Bishop Lamont here)

Found Item!

This business card on the Atlantic / Pacific platform in the subway:


You know, minor spelling error aside, I can respect the dude whose every skill listed on his business card is an attempt to get laid. Cheers, Andre!