Dear YouTube Algorithm,

 Dude, I thought you knew me? You got me wroooooooooooooong.

How Not To Be A Racist, As Illustrated By A Foldable Tent Instruction Page

You know it. I know it. But everyone else doesn't have to know that you're a terrible racist. Here's a handy guide to how to not act like a racist in social situations.

1) Take a quick look at your racism. Ugly, isn't it? Why do you even hate people from Guam and Puerto Ricans? They're Americans, too, you know.

2) Take both hands and SQUEEZE that racism down to a more manageable size. You'll immediately notice that there's a lot of resistance to getting smaller, but keep at it.

3) Find the part of your racism that secures the rest of it. Now use your free hands to hide your open hatred of immigrants, even though your grandparents were immigrants themselves!

4) You're about to interact with other people in a moment. Keep that irrational hostility towards Native Americans and Hispanics in check. Now stand up.

5) There you go! Keep smiling during your interactions with people, and whatever you do, make sure your free arm doesn't swing up in a Sieg Heil salute, you piece of shit!

Spotted on Doordash

Bilge?!

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Celery Fights

• The Jenny McCarthy Grab Bag of Almost-Comedy

• 4 Straight Hours of Ted Cruz Doing The Tootsie Roll

• Plane Crash Survivors Looking Longingly At Each Other

• This Week in Fantasy Football Commentary

• Even Younger Sheldon

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Celery Fights: The Movie

• Something Paul Walker Passed On (No Pun Intended)

• Cooking Spätzle: A German Family Memoir

• Drunk Tank Webcam

• Shitty YouTube Pranksters Get Served Notices

• Conditioner!

• E-Z Pass Kills: The Toll Booth Operators Documentary

How About Some Death Star Tea Pot Puns? Hey, Why Not.

I got an email from Thinkgeek.com advertising this terrifying yet comforting Death Star tea pot set.

Now, I know lots of Imperial officers spoke the Queen's English, but I had no idea they actually broke for tea time! Here now are a bunch of strained Star Wars/teapot puns we had lying around:

• Oolong time ago in a galaxy far, far away

• "Red Zinger, standing by"

• C-3PEKOE

• "Well, the Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it infuses the galaxy together."

• The spice mines of Kettle

• ♫ Here is my handle, and here is my super laser focus lens ♫

• "Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational ...uh, tea kettle."

• "Earl Grey Tea, hot!" (whoops, wrong franchise)

• Knights Of The Old Republic (of Tea)

• "Many Bothans died to bring us this tea."

• "I have a really bad Darjeeling about this."

Meanwhile, At The Emirates Airlines Australian Open,

Two unfortunate flight attendants are forced to stand and smile in front of an ad banner as decoration, a mere feet away from deadly swinging golf clubs.

Another Lemon Party With Old Men

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Unflattering

Pictured below, Bruce Willis joins the LPGA.

A Snapshot of My Weekend

My Mom, Dad and Jeanette discuss the Tiger Woods "news" story.

Hey, Bead Maze, I Ain't Done With You!

Hey, Bead Maze, think I'm done abusing you, you useless, confusing non-toy? You think this is a game? Well, this might be a game, but you sure as hell aren't one. You're not even a puzzle. You're a series of lathed and painted blocks impaled on a bendy wire. And what does that amount to? Jack shit, buddy. No baby was ever set in front of you and thought, "Holy shitshockers, this is the most wonderful toy I've ever seen!" No, every baby who ever saw you reacted the way everyone else still reacts: with confusion and revulsion. I'd go so far as to say any parent who willingly buys a bead maze hates their child, and that the baby is better off being raised by geese on a golf course.

So keep thinking you're hot shit, Bead Maze, but know this: I got my eye on you, and I will not hesitate to take you down a few notches with a serious body slam. What.