The ProofrEADJer, Mid-February Edition

More Unsolicited Taglines For A Bad Canadian Horror Movie Nobody Saw

A Rebuttal of "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey From The Alleged Easy Lover, Who Incredibly, Happens To Be Jocelyn Taylor-Heffernan Again

Previous related entry here.

Jesus. Why do creeps always come in twos? First I get called a "Maneater" because I won't sleep with two guys who buy me jalapeño poppers at a bar, now these two other losers are slut-shaming me? Shit, I'm starting to think I need to find a different bar to go to after work. A point-by-point rebuttal to Phil and Philip (who I never could tell who was who):

1) "Easy lover / She'll get a hold on you believe it" Look, I've only had 4 boyfriends in my adult life, and one was a speed date that didn't work out. And I never slept with the bald one or the black one (who is admittedly kind of cute), so this idea that I'm "easy" is beyond offensive. I think they're just bitter I didn't put out.

2) "Like no other / Before you know it you'll be on your knees" Talk about a backhanded compliment. "Ohh! Look at the scary assertive woman who refuses your clumsy advances, so she's automatically broken your heart!" Gimme a break.

3) "She's an easy lover / She'll take your heart but you won't feel it / She's like no other / And I'm just trying to make you see" I didn't take shit, gents. I took my purse and moved to another table.

4) "She's the kind of girl you dream of / Dream of keeping hold of / You'd better forget it / You'll never get it" I actually agree with this one. Damn straight you'll never get it if you try shitty pickup lines. I don't care how funny you are, baldie.

5) She will play around and leave you / Leave you and deceive you / Better forget it / Oh you'll regret it" No no no. I did not "play around". I said "no thank you" and tried to get the bartender's attention so I could pay for my rum and Coke. I certainly wasn't going to let another pair of 80s musicians pay for my tab so they can harass me later.

6) "No you'll never change her, so leave it, leave it / Get out quick 'cause seeing is believing / It's the only way / You'll ever know" Fine. Let the losers warn each other that I'm not approachable. I'll find me a real man who can commit, like that Rick Astley.

From Last Week

A St. Patrick's Day reveler attempts to hail a cab, using all the accessories and skills at his disposal.


"Come ON, guys!"

Let's Stretch the Lips of the Ol' EADJ Mail Sack!

(the following is from an email from a "Patrick Chan," labeled READ AND GET BACK TO ME)

------------------

MR. PATRICK CHAN
HANG SENG BANK LTD.
83, Des Voeux Road,
Central HK,Hong Kong.


patrickchan20007hk@yahoo.com.hk


Good Day,

Let me start by introducing myself.i am Mr Patrick K.W Chan Executive Director and Chief Financial Officer of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd Hong Kong.l have a secured business proposal for you.

Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Col. Hosam Hassan who was with the Iraqi forces and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of Thirty Million United State Dollars ($30,000,000.00) only in my branch.Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even during the war which began in 2003. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later find out that Col. Hosam Hassan along with his wife and the only daughter had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit their home.

After further investigation it was also discovered that our client Col.Hosam Hassan did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit.

Against this backdrop,my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Col.Hosam Hassan so that you will be able to receive his funds.

Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall then share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you.Should you be interested please send me your,

1. Full names
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address.

I will prefer you reach me on my private email address below And finally after that i shall provide you with more details of this transaction.

Your earliest response to this letter will be highly appreciated.


patrickchan20007hk@yahoo.com.hk

Kind Regards,
Mr.Patrick Chan.



Exercise your brain! Try Flexicon.

-----------------------------



I find it interesting that after all the urgency of rescuing Col. Hosam Hassan's $30,000,000, the banker Mr. Patrick Chan wants to also put a bug in my ear about Flexicon. I decided to respond to Mr. Chan's missive with this:




Dear Mr. Patrick Chan,

............../´¯/).............(\¯`\
............/....//..............\\....\
.........../....//................\\....\
...../´¯/..../´¯\............../¯`\....\¯`\
.././.../..../..../.|_......_|.\....\....\...\.\..
(.(....(....(..../..)..).....(..(.\....)....)....).)
.\................\/.../....\...\/................/
..\.................. /........\................../
....\................(............)............../
......\..............\.........../............./


Maturely yours,
Joel Thomas

p.s. Didn't we kick your ass in WWII?

(pictured above, The Unfortunate Tagline of the Month. The Chicago Transit Authority tagline tries to encourage people to consider riding more often, but instead suggests a brutal rape)