The Latest Failed Crowdfunded Projects on Kickstarter

Here now are this week's crowdfund projects that unfortunately did not make their funding goal:

• A kitchen counter composter that takes your vegetables and turns them into fertilizer pellets– literally a live rabbit

• A weighted blanket that weighs you down with guilt

• A DUI device that makes your breath smell like you've been eating ass instead of drinking

• Vape cigars that make you look like a heavyweight douche

• Samma doppa yumma tatcha YOON YOON (description is unclear)

• Inedible panties

• Checkers except the pieces are live miniature turtles painted white and black and the checkerboard is made of flattened lettuce and we don't really have any idea of this is going to work

• Legwarmers for subway sandwiches

• Monocles for sophisticated cyclopses

InfoWars's Upcoming Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones and InfoWars continue their assault on reality with a new slew of conspiracy stories designed to both outrage the gullible and make them feel smart. Here's what the head writers are working on for next week's tripe:

• Pan pizza is short for "Panama Pizza" which secretly funds the Democratic Revolutionary Party (PRD) in Panama.

• Dental X-rays don't exist. Dentists only make you bite down on those uncomfortable pieces of foam to PUNISH you for being a PATRIOT.

• Digital marketing agencies are working to send you subliminal web banners that tell you to watch liberal programs like "Blue's Clues" and "The Wild Thornberrys"

• Jane says hi

• The Deep State global elitists are secretly working double shifts at Bennigan's to make more money to afford an apartment with a laundry in the same building

Another List of Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop phenom Ariana Grande isn't content with selling millions of records– she also doing everything in her considerable power to let you to know that she's the cutest thing since sliced baby bread. With all due respect, here is a list of things that happen to be objectively cuter than Ms. Grande:

• pizza cutters shaped like the Starship Enterprise

• Slow moving bears

• The word "curlicue"

• The way Nick Offerman giggles

• dwarf furniture

• glitter glue on a kitten's paws

• The paragraph symbol (aka pilcrow) : ¶

• Charlyne Yi

• The way dogs look like they're smiling when they pant

• Elementary school drinking fountains

• Steven Mnuchin's gorgeous actress wife (just kidding. She SUCKS)

• Custard

New Segment: EADJ Selections From the Sharper Image Catalog

 

After 11 years of blogging, Eat A Dick Joel thinks it's time we started featuring products we like. And it turns out 100% of those fine products are coincidentally featured in the vaunted Sharper Image catalog. Here now are our favorite items for sale there:

(Click to enlarge and read)

EADJ Demerits

As the first semester enters its second month, we at EADJ would like to remind everyone that we've adopted the demerit system on this blog. And unfortunately, we have a lot of demerits to give out.

• 1 demerit to those Aamco or Maaco or whatever the fuck commercials where those people make irritating car noises with their mouths.

• 1 demerit to Josh Brolin for not starring in anything awesome in the past 3 months.

• 2 demerits to Gisele Bundchen for opening her stupid fucking mouth again.

• 1 demerit to the word "defibrillator" for being so hard to spell or pronounce.

• 3 demerits to Paul Shaffer for still doing that "pointing" move.


• 5 demerits to Green Giant Steamers for reminding me of poop with your name.

• 2 demerits to Carson Daly for his hosting duties on "The Voice" and reminding us that he has no musical talent or charisma.

• 3 demerits to Asplundh. You know what you did.

• 8 demerits to guys who leave gum in urinals

• 2 demerits to Joel for having filmed ONLY ONE CRISS ANGEL MINDFREAK TRICK.

• 4 demerits to Four Square for not making me Mayor of Jiffy Lube #425 in Newark.

• 848 demerits to Bobby Brown.

• 3 demerits to Maybelline (no reason given)

• 2 demerits to that recent Tron movie for not being better.

• 7 demerits to my bladder for making me tinkle when I farted just then.

TMI Miami

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ace In the Hole

There are these bagel carts all around the city that are always busy in the morning. They're along the way to a lot of people's office buildings (including Toucan Cleric's Fun), so it's very convenient to stop and buy a bagel for a quick breakfast.

The problem for me is the way the bagels sit on little shelves along the cart with the vendor just standing in the middle of it. Seems unhygienic. Especially when some of them are sitting on a shelf that's essentially cock-level. Add the fact that it's been a heatwave, and that bagel cart is in closed quarters, and BINGO– Sweaty balls millimeters from your onion roll!


Don't get me wrong- I'm not like some OCD-type handwashing germophobe. I just find it a little bit unsettling to eat something that's been sitting inches from some dude's crotch. Sure, an apron probably helps, but the guy who works the one near my office doesn't wear one. So, cock and balls.