The Latest New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC's wildly successful Stubs membership program has ushered in (get it?) thousands of new moviegoers, enticing them with valuable perks and bonuses.

Here are the latest new rewards you can enjoy if you join now:

• If the fire alarm goes off, you don't have to leave the theatre and can finish the movie

• When any couple kisses on screen, you are allowed to shout, "GROSS!" as loud as you can.

• Free refills of Dr. Pepper fountain drink with disgusting vanilla and lime flavor added

• If you are seated at the front row during a horror movie, you can request that the people sitting behind you stand in front of you during the scary parts

• Free popcorn bucket with hole at the bottom (Mickey Roarke in Diner only)

• Free pair of 3D glasses even for movies that aren't in 3D just so you can pretend, ya jackass

• Premium seating away from the urine puddle

Another List of Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop phenom Ariana Grande isn't content with selling millions of records– she also doing everything in her considerable power to let you to know that she's the cutest thing since sliced baby bread. With all due respect, here is a list of things that happen to be objectively cuter than Ms. Grande:

• pizza cutters shaped like the Starship Enterprise

• Slow moving bears

• The word "curlicue"

• The way Nick Offerman giggles

• dwarf furniture

• glitter glue on a kitten's paws

• The paragraph symbol (aka pilcrow) : ¶

• Charlyne Yi

• The way dogs look like they're smiling when they pant

• Elementary school drinking fountains

• Steven Mnuchin's gorgeous actress wife (just kidding. She SUCKS)

• Custard

THIS WEEK ONLY: Some Exciting Temporary Deals Exclusively For AMC Stubs Card Members!

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Some Brand New Perks For Being An AMC Stubs Card Member!

The perks just keep poppin’ at AMC for Stubs Rewards members. Thanks to new partnerships, here are the latest benefits you can can enjoy by signing up now:

 •  Maria Menounos will annoy you in person with movie trivia, behind the scenes vignettes and fun film quizzes.

• We will provide you a solid murder alibi.

• If you’re mostly finished with your popcorn bucket, you can piss in it so you don’t miss any of the movie.

• Free bowling ball-size wad of bleu cheese

• If you call any other patron a pussy, we got your back if shit starts to go down.

•  Any of our staff will be happy to send you dick pics if you give us your number.

• If you angrily complain to us that the movie’s events are nothing like how it happened in the comic book, we will pretend to care.

• We will pick you and your lovely wife Amal up in our exclusive Stubs private charted schooner, where we will sail beyond your Lake Como home to the charming province of Lecco for a romantic dinner and seats at the World Climate Summit (George Clooney only).

• Someone in our fine staff will explain what the fuck that Shen Yun show really is.

More Unknown Perks of the AMC Stubs Rewards Card

Previous entry here.

If you're already a member of AMC Stubs, you already know that you receive tons of great movie benefits, like a free large popcorn refill with every visit, waived online ticketing fees, and a $5 reward for every 5,000 points earned! But did you know there are also some amazing benefits that you may not have heard about? CHECK THESE REWARDS OUT:

• $40 off any small popcorn

• Free Kevin Spacey movie screenings

• After-showing lessons on how to jump away from explosions

• Free surgery (elective and otherwise) for life

• One free overnight stay at the "Princess Suite" in the Taj Mahal in Agra, India

• Legally-immune permission to ransack the shit out of any Dollar Store

• You become one of the public faces of the #MeToo movement

• A free knuckle sandwich, for those of you who need one

• Become ordained as a Catholic priest on Thursdays

• PROTECTION FROM THE EVIL EYE

• Members named Gary are welcome to go fuck themselves

• Free nap in the AMC Stubs Rewards Dumpster

Success!

A previous attempt to use these fantastic letterpressed cards with "NICE PARKING JACKASS" on them was unsuccessful, as we dumbly put the card on the offending car while still leaving our card adjacent. Bad idea jeans. This time, however, we were sure to leave the calling card right before peeling out.

Check out this tan car that parked way over the line into our spot at the parking lot at Pathmark. We could barely get out of our car, much less pull the baby car seat out from that side.



So we patiently exited the other side, did our grocery shopping, then came back, relieved to see the moron's car still there. It was then that we left the card for them to discover and learn the error of their ways. Huzzah!