Spotted on Packaging For an Electronic "Flaming" Lamp

"The dancing flames are like elves in the dark night." How poetic. But I don't remember seeing elves in The Dark Knight, do you?

New Documentaries Available To Watch On The Documentaries Channel

If you like factual information served up with insultingly manipulative music and heavy-handed voiceovers, then you'll love the Documentary Channel! Here are the newest releases on the popular network:

• Are Raccoon Droppings Explosive?

• The Battle of Grenada: A 28-Part Breakdown of Every Military Advance

• Wool: Why That Shit Itches So Fucking Much

• Instagram Models: THOT or NOT?

• We Interview Your Uncle About How Hot He Thinks You Are

• Traffic Court: A Hellish Gulag of Unpaid Fines

•  Combinations of Words That Make White People Uncomfortable When They're Around Black People

• Millennials Playing With Jarts

• "What, You Think You're Better Than Me?" - The Michael Rapaport Story

The ProofrEADJer: Second Week of July Edition

Another List of Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Previous Ariana Grande-related entries here.

Being talented and famous apparently isn't enough for Ariana Grande. She also fancies herself an irresistible, adorable summer sprite who sheds pixie dust while butterflies flutter out of her dimples. That's all well and good, but here now are more things that happen to be cuter than her:

• Golden retriever paws

• Japanese tissue packaging

• Teaspoons

• Bear cubs wearing shorts

• Brain from "Pinky and The Brain" when he smiles

• Any animated cactus

• A baby eating baby carrots and baby corn

• Tugboat bumpers

• A young Flavor Flav

• The way good parents wince when explicit lyrics play around their children

• Javier Bardem using a baby voice

• Those cute sayings on Taco Bell sauce packets

The EeyAy Deejay Fashion Roundup

Not to bag on someone's cultural heritage, but that guy looks like he works at a Minnesota Vikings Hot Dog On A Stick.

Training masks are all the rage. See, everybody's Batman these days.

Did you know? When you were a skin tight high-slit cotton skirt on a children's Ferris wheel, that automatically puts you on several Federal watch lists.

Camo loafers are good whether you're a preppy SEAL Team Six sniper or someone who wants to look like they're always strolling through a pile of leaves.

Not to bag on anybody's cultural heritage, but that guy better be careful of near-sighted Pac-Men:

The Puddles of New York City, Identified by Pantone Number

There are a rainbow of unidentified puddles along the streets of New York City at any given moment, even if it hasn't rained recently. Here now is a Pantone® sponsored guide to the latest mystery liquids in Midtown, Downtown, and the "nice" part of Queens:

Some MORE Moves Based On My Wife's Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) Phone's Ringtones

Following Friday's entry, I thought Hollywood was done mining my wife's phone for new feature film ideas. I was wrong. My wife happened to scroll down and show more possible movie properties. Here are the latest treatments now being optioned at major studios:

"Fog On The Water"

starring Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba

The two Jessicas star in this throwback horror B-movie that's shot on more expensive film as two campers who inexplicably want to spend the night on a creepy, remote lake. Spoiler: no nips. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

"Gentle Spring Rain"

starring Tommy Lee Jones, Helen Mirren, and Judi Dench

Three stranded travelers cross paths and change each others' lives in this heartwarming story set in Heath Row Airport. A lot of the action takes place in a Sbarro for some reason. Maybe Tommy Lee like calzones...

"Heartbeat Of The Wild"

starring Eva Green and James McAvoy

This Nicholas Sparks-inspired love story depicts what happens when a sexy conservationist (Green) goes au naturel and shows a condo developer (McAvoy) her secret unpruned garden. NSFW

"High Tide"

starring Nicolas Cage, Ving Rhames and Bokeem Woodbine

A terrorist cell tries to take over a drilling rig in the remote Atlantic at the same time a typhoon strikes. It is up to three oil drillers to kick ass, take cover, and secure the well before the volcano erupts. Wait, there's a volcano, too? Damn. Directed by Michael Bay.

"The Journey Begins"

starring the voices of Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Steve Buscemi, Kate Beckinsale, Nick Nolte, Jon Hamm, Will Ferrell, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Tom Cruise, Cher, Chris O' Donnell, Alice Eve, Reese Witherspoon, Drake, Chris Hemsworth, Rick Rockwell, Sam Rockwell, Courtney Love, Johnny Depp, Arman Hammer, Jennifer Lawrence, Benedict Cumberbatch, Robert Deniro and Dennis Haysbert.

Dreamworks releases their latest star-studded animation spectacular full of lovable animals, pop cultural references that only parents will get, and zero fucking story.

"Jungle Drums"

starring Justin Long and Jay Baruchel

Two losers stumble their way into a native village that has somehow stayed untouched for centuries in the middle of Wisconsin. This madcap romp follows their misadventures trying to fit in and woo the pretty maidens, played by Amber Heard and Teresa Palmer. The "nipple piercing initiation rite" scene alone is worth the price of admission, isn't it? No?

"Jungle Trek"

starring Ving Rhames, Bokeem Woodbine and Nicolas Cage

Hollywood tries harder this time to cater to black audiences. This all-black version of Star Trek follows a black Enterprise ship as it seeks new black life, new black civilizations, and boldly go where no black man has gone before. Nicolas Cage plays Geordi.

"Midnight Picnic"

starring Melissa McCarthy

Melissa McCarthy, determined to enjoy a picnic in a public park at night, takes on a mean park ranger (played by Ty Burrell) and instead uncovers a burglary ring (led by Danny Trejo) in progress. Will she convince the park ranger of the burglars or can she stop them on her own? Rated NC-17 for foul, foul, foul language.

This Week On Lifetime's Original Series "Walkway To Parking," Starring Melissa Joan Hart

Previously on "Walkway To Parking," Donna Parks discovers a hidden walkway to a parking lot while shopping for Zumba class accessories. She soon becomes its sole guardian and protector, but all that could change if her ex-husband Steve (played by Alexander Skarsgård) who works at the nearby frame store finds out about it! To keep her secret safe for herself and her children, Donna must decide whether to confront Steve or lose the most convenient way to her car!

And coming soon to BET from the producers of "Walkway To Parking:" an all-original series starring Gabrielle Union. "Mahogany Home Style," the story of one shopkeeper's daughter's dreams of making it big in the world of fashion! Also starring Harold Perrineau and oddly, Alexander Skarsgård.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Calculate The Volume Of A Cone

Previously, we learned that the volume of a cylinder is πr²h.
Now, the volume of a cone is one third of the cylinder's volume. Hence, for a cone with height h and base radius r, the volume, V of the cone will be:


where π is a number that is approximately equal to 3.14.

And speaking of pi, never let that guy from that show "Cake Boss" hire your car to transport one of his ugly cakes. You get fondant everywhere on the leather interior, and he doesn't tip for shit. Be safe, kids!