Another List of Shit That's Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Popstar Ariana Grande has built a career on batting her eyelashes and looking adorable. This blog can acknowledge her cuteness but would like to suggest a few things that happen to be way cuter than she. Here are some:

• Any Funko Pop figurine

• Kittens riding tiny tricycles

• Any infant with googly eyes on their forehead

• A slice of Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza on a girl's plastic teacup saucer.

• Rabbits yawning

• Your excuses for not working out

• Granny shots

• Cartoon hockey pucks with arms and legs

• When chimps make that heart thing with their hands

• A Terminator made from Duplo blocks 

• Chip from "Beauty & The Beast"

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Painted Pumpkins

Hey, painted pumpkins. Fuck you.

You readymade, unimpressive crafts for the lazy or unskilled. Why carve a pumpkin the old fashioned way, when you can just whip out your acrylics and paint what you couldn't use a simple butter knife to render?

Okay, maybe I can see this as a "safe" pumpkin carving alternative for toddlers and whatnot. But with those new, dulled idiot-proof pumpkin carving kits everywhere,  you'd be hard pressed to somehow cut open an artery unless you were really aiming for one.

Let's face it. Carved pumpkins are infinitely cooler (and more fun to smash by neighborhood kids) than a pumpkin whose insides have never been exposed. Painting a pumpkin is one step away from just giving up on Halloween and leaving your porch light off. Next year, why even bother?

Now, if you see a friend or relative set out a pumpkin and start painting that thing in front of you, show them this essay, and why they're reading this and not looking, plunge a machete into their pumpkin and start the irreversible process of gutting that motherfucker for a real jack o' lantern. They will be left no choice but to see how much better carving really is once they've stopped screaming.