The Off-Brand TP Round-Up Returns

Brand: Platinum Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A piss yellow wrapper with a background of either clouds or fried chicken

Feels Like: 2-ply fried chicken

Brand: Monogram Toilet Tissue Rolls

Brand Features: Features CLEANING and DISPOSABLES(?) with little blue leaves

Feels Like: Getting a wedgy in burlap bike shorts

Brand: Crystal 525

Brand Features: A white dove and white flowers

Feels Like: Wiping with parchment on fire

Brand: Softouch Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A nondescript blue oval. Some friendly rounded letters.

Feels Like: Getting slapped on the anus with streamers

Brand: Elegant Essentials

Brand Features: "Made With 100% Recycled Fibers"

Feels Like: Some of those fibers were steel wool from the apocalypse

UAG

More Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop superstar Ariana Grande continues to project the image of being the cutest thing in the universe. With respect, we at EADJ have found a few more things that are proven to be cuter than her:

• panda paws

• baby doll cowboy boots

• plush starfish

• crocodiles wearing glasses

• fingernail-sized frogs (however poisonous)

• velour mittens

• the fact that Ziggy doesn't have a neck

• Dustin Hoffman giggling

• Ed Sheeran attempting to grow facial hair

• when kids sing along to "Smack My Bitch Up"

The ProofrEADJer: April Edition