Another List of Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop phenom Ariana Grande isn't content with selling millions of records– she also doing everything in her considerable power to let you to know that she's the cutest thing since sliced baby bread. With all due respect, here is a list of things that happen to be objectively cuter than Ms. Grande:

• pizza cutters shaped like the Starship Enterprise

• Slow moving bears

• The word "curlicue"

• The way Nick Offerman giggles

• dwarf furniture

• glitter glue on a kitten's paws

• The paragraph symbol (aka pilcrow) : ¶

• Charlyne Yi

• The way dogs look like they're smiling when they pant

• Elementary school drinking fountains

• Steven Mnuchin's gorgeous actress wife (just kidding. She SUCKS)

• Custard

Yet More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

All previous entries here.

It isn't enough for ubiquitous popstar Ariana Grande to dominate the charts and radio playlists; she also would like the world to recognize her as the cutest thing EVAR. We at this humble blog respectfully disagree with Ms. Grande, offering the following list of things that are objectively cuter:

• Pony saddles

• Those little white shoes that the animated M&Ms wear.

• The way dogs wolf down cupcakes

• Origami Yoda

• That red cement ball in front of Target that kids love to climb on and that old people bump their hip against

• The German word for little bear: Bärchen

• The Mars Attacks! flying saucers

• Stuffing apples into your sleeves so it looks like you have biceps

• Squirtle

The Noble Gas Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

How'd you do?

1 correct: Keep your job at Toys Я Us

2 correct: You're not the fastest lathe in the workshop

3 correct: You can leave the house, but only with your sister

4 correct: Bragging rights if you're not embarrassed about being good at this

5 correct: That's impossible. How'd you do that?!

6 correct: You're either lucky or you looked over my shoulder when I made this

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"So why do they call you Armstrong? Is it because of the arm?"

"Oh, hump me like a dachshund, Reginald!"

"Stop! Hitting! Me! I'm! The! Mascot! Idiot!"

"Sorry, but the Coke machine is broken again. But I can sell you a few warm cans of Coke that we have stashed behind the desk. Tell you what- instead of 75¢ each, I'll sell you them for a quarter each for your trouble. Sound good? Great. NOW DIE!!! MUHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA"

"This again? We're naked and stranded?"

"Yep. (yawn)"

"Wow, you're still alive in 2017?"

"I know, right?"

"Do you think anyone will wander into this thinking it's another Avengers movie?"

"Wait, this isn't one? Oh. That explains the piddly paycheck."

UAG

America's Got Pathmark

Special "Peek-A-Boo" Pathmark

The Latest Movie Ideas From Hollywood Based On Names Pulled From A Sunglasses Brochure

Columbia Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Paramount, Universal and Disney Studios have gotten more desperate lately, mining the latest Maui Jim sunglasses brochure for movie property ideas. The following films are being developed as we speak:

"Lighthouse" starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, Sanjay Gupta and Kevin Kline

This mature drama is about a frustrated writer (Gyllenhaal) who meets an older, mysterious gentleman who seems to not have any connections to the close-knit Connecticut town. Nothing ever happens in this movie except for long, lingering establishing shots of the goddamned lighthouse.

"Sugar Beach" starring Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve, Martin Short, and Robert Deniro

A confused pool boy (Baruchel) is caught in a bidding war between two rivaling neighbors (Short and Deniro) who happen to also be rival mob bosses. And in case you were wondering, yes, Alice Eve will be in a bikini.

"Backyards" featuring the voices of Janeane Garofalo, Jeremy Irons, Donald Glover and Aubrey Plaza

DreamWorks does it again in this computer-animated feature with a talking sprinkler (Garofalo), a sarcastic tool shed (Irons), an impulsive weed whacker (Glover) and a sullen wooden deck (Plaza). And look for the "Backyards" kids meals at Burger King!

"Banzai" starring Peter Weller

This expensive prequel to "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension" stars Peter Weller in unconvincing makeup to make himself look like the younger physicist/neurosurgeon/test pilot/rock musician. Special FX by ILM, Digital Domain and the JIm Henson Company.

"Breakwall" starring Mark Wahlberg, Benicio Del Toro, and Stacy Dash

Shit blows up real big with cars and guns and boom and tits. Soundtrack by Papa Roach. Directed by "Flight Of The Phoenix" director John Moore.

"Hot Sands" starring Olivia Wilde, Jessica Biel, Megan Fox and... SOLD!

"Sunset" starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.

This making of documentary goes behind the scenes of all 20 "Before Sunrise" films and recaptures every single moment of magic with the cast as it follows Ethan Hawke while he takes a shit and Julie Delpy as she blows her nose into a rag. Narrated by Richard Linklater.

"Kanaha" starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The Blue Man Group, and Tupac Shakur. This mystery project by Charlie Kaufman, Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry is weird. Indie weird. So weird that it's blowing up in Williamsburg, Brooklyn right now. So weird that the indie bands Phoenix, The National and Imagine Dragons have already devoted their next albums to it. KANAHA!

Life begins at 50!!!!!!!

After years in the Hollwood, Joel's career in the field of entertainment has taken an exciting new turn:

Joel has been asked to direct a theatrical production!

Meadow Brook Theatre in Detroit Michigan is proud to announce the 12-week run of the Bertram Award winning play "Hats!" With only 584 seats, the back of the house is only 19 rows from the extended stage. Needless to say, sightlines are excellent.


Hats! is a new musical about MaryAnne, who is 49.999 and unhappy about turning The Big Five-Oh. She meets several remarkable Red Hatted women who teach her about fun & friendship after 50 through stories and fabulous songs by Kathie Lee Gifford, Pam Tillis, Gretchen Cryer, Melissa Manchester, Amanda McBroom, Carol Hall & Susan Birkenhead, to name a few.

Joel's special take on this new classic features lots of water spit-takes, rolling of eyes, and holding both hands to heads to convey surprise. Joel has also requested that a drummer be on hand for rimshots. Joel has also required the flying in of dangerous, exotic birds to fly around and shit on people.

The play will run a merciful 45 minutes with assorted crackers, fresh vegetable tray with homemade ranch dipping sauce, assorted nuts, pretzels and other munchies. A personal stash of dick has been set aside for Joel, of course. It's in his contract.