20 Things Cuter Than Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande

If you follow entertainment news even slightly, you've heard of the engagement between SNL's Pete Davidson and pop superstar Ariana Grande. And yes, they sure are an adorable couple, but to put things in perspective, here are 20 things that are still actually cuter than those two:

• travel-size computer mice

• daisies with happy faces on them

• this ball boy

• a puppy wearing a diaper with puppies on it

• the smaller Fry Guy from those old McDonald's commercials

• water balloons that weren't filled all the way so they're just the size of a plum

• strip mall post offices

• flip phones now

• any diagram that shows how artesian wells work

• the Sanrio version of Thanos

• paper cups that have a little teacup handle

• babies with huge afros

• any Pac-Man musical interlude

• yogurt raisins

• the tilde

• your heart rate after a nap

• Pyewacket Lane in Waterford, VA

• those Capri-Sun-like wine pouches

• that last part on American Ninja where you have to run up a curved hill

• the fact that you will 100% likely mispronounce the name of any Irish town

More Conspiracies To Come From Info Wars, Dumb Paranoiac Headquarters

Between shotgunning beers and shotgunning stray possum in their trailer park common area, Info Wars viewers love to tune into Alex Jones' program for the latest worldview that confirms their stupid beliefs. Here are a few that they don't have to wait next week for:

• The Presidents of the Men's Wearhouse and the Hair Club For Men were not ousted from their respective companies. Instead, they were actually gay lovers that absconded to Lima, Peru to get married and cover each other in cheap suits and hair plugs.

• Fire sprinklers in buildings built since 1995 actually spray disinfectant that only kills white people, and office fires are usually started these days by Arabs.

• Burger King adds a hidden "Netflix" tax of .03¢ to every purchase. The money is then funneled into a fund that pays for Kamaal's monthly Netflix subscription. Kamaal is an employee.

• Nautilus machines in gyms turn you gay by forcing you to work out in compromising "homosexual" poses. That's why you should stick to free weights. Those are totally not gay.

• A promise earned is a promise kept. Or is it a promise kept is a customer earned? A promise given is a customer kept? I forget. Either way, Jews are out to get you.

• The new Han Solo movie is unnecessary in telling the Star Wars story. Worse yet, it keeps showing aliens incorporated into society as equals to white people, which liberal Hollywood loves to push down kids' throats. GREEDO IS BLACK!

Still More Puddles of New York City, Identified by Pantone Number

Now that it's autumn, the leaves are turning, and so are the shades of unidentified liquid in puddles all over New York City. Here are the latest, hottest, wettest shades of urban blight to use at your next nail appointment!

Go fuck yourself!

An Entomologist Reviews The Bab-E-Safe™ Janglebugs

Eat A Dick Joel has asked famed entomologist and founding member of the New York Entomological Society Lionel Monod, Ph.D. to do a guest review the popular baby's product Janglebugs, manufactured by the Bab-E-Safe Corporation in Akron, Ohio. Here are his observations:


First off, I'd like to state how appalled I am that this blog has asked me to review what are clearly not genuine insect specimens. My extensive training at the University of Michigan and the Rochester Zoological Institute has overqualified me to examine or critique these gimcracks and gewgaws aimed at infants. But since they did pay me with a coupon good for $5 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut, I guess I have to honor my end of the bargain. Sigh.

The "Bee"


The crude black and yellow stripes on this specimen lead me to believe the Bab-E-Safe™ manufacturers were aiming to depict a bee of the Bombus genus, in the family Apidae, more commonly known as the "bumble bee."

John Maynard Smith, a noted biologist with a strong background in aeronautics, once pointed out that bumble bees would not be expected to sustain flight, as they would need to generate too much power given their tiny wing area. The Janglebug "bee" absurdly has gigantic (blue!) wings that forego this entire scientific discussion.

Oh. Also, bees don't generally have a gigantic stupid grin on their faces, as they don't have lips that can make them smile.


The "Ladybug"


This one offends me even more than the others.

Coccinellidae is a family of beetles, more commonly known as "ladybirds" or "ladybugs." And of course, the temptation is to reduce the specimen to a red insect with several black dots on the wing covers, which Bab-E-Safe™ naturally did without hesitation. But not only did they ignore basic beetle anatomy; they showed the ladybug smiling (with lips it doesn't have) with its "face" pointing the wrong way! The wing covers are on the coccinellidae's back, not it's front! That's just oversimplifying and perverting basic nature, there. Patently UNACCEPTABLE.



The "Butterfly"


Okay, fine. I'm not going to go through the order Lepidoptera being the day-flying group consisting of butterflies and moths, because we all know this. Everyone except Bab-E-Safe™, who somehow think cobbling together blue wings and a purple spotted abdomen (where is the motherfucking thorax?!!) while wearing a stupid fucking grin counts as a "butterfly." Christ. In what city is the Bab-E-Safe™ headquarters based? I think I want to firebomb their place.

Summary
Look, I am but a simple entomologist. My work is not stressful or demanding. Hell, lots of people examine insects as a hobby. But for this blog to ask me to review this preposterous set of zoological blasphemies is beyond my comprehension or abilities. Here's that pizza coupon back, EADJ. I gotta go make some Molotov cocktails and head out to Akron, Ohio.

For Shame, Barnes & Noble.

Joel would read that, though.

A Convert.

Larry K just wrote to me:

"I watched this, and now I just want to walk out into the street and punch uncool people in the face."

\m/ \m/