UAG

A Rebuttal of The Tubes's "She's A Beauty" From The Alleged Beauty, Who Once Again Happens To Be Jocelyn Taylor-Heffernan! What Are The Chances?

Previous rebuttals here and here.

I know at this point, it looks like I'm looking for trouble- luring men and breaking their hearts. But honestly, I'm just a simple claims adjuster who has an after-work cocktail now and then. It's just been my extreme misfortune to be accosted by so many creepy musicians from the 80s! If there were another bar besides The Breakfast Club Bar near my work, believe me, I'd be going there instead!

One of the things I enjoy is having my drink over by the window. That way I can spot Tammy or Debora (not Debra or Deborah with the H) and call them inside to share a drinkie. But lately these guys named The Tubes have noticed me in the window and have started calling unwanted attention my way. Here is my point-by-point rebuttal of what they've been saying:

1) "Step right up and don't be shy / Because you will not believe your eyes / She's right here behind the glass / And you're gonna like her 'Cause she's got class" What the fuck? I'm minding my own business in a window, and now these assholes are charging admission for people to look at me? What about my privacy?!

2) "You can look inside another world / You get to talk to a pretty girl / She's everything you dream about / But don't fall in love" You can knock on the window or put your number on a piece of paper and put it against the glass, but I'm not talking to you.

3) "She's a beauty / She's one in a million girls / She's a beauty / Why would I lie? / Why would I lie?" You'd lie because I can read your lips that you're charging $5 to "check out this MILF's sexy gams". That does it. I'm calling the police next time I see you out there, Tubes.

Forbidden Conversation Topics When You Go Pumpkin Picking

It's that time of the year again- to go with your loved ones to the local farm and pick out pumpkins for decoration or cooking. Of course, after you get there, it gets pretty boring in that field and you'll want to start a conversation. For when you do, here are some topics you SHOULD NOT bring up during your trip to that patch:

• Your 12 miscarriages

• How lazy black people are

• Your shitty podcast

• AIDS

• How iTunes ruined the music business

• The animation style of "Star Wars Rebels" vs. "Star Wars: The Clone Wars"

• Deadly vermin found in pumpkin patches

• The old horror movie "Basket Case"

• People you've murdered and buried in this pumpkin patch

• How lazy Mexicans are

• How your "gaydar" has improved lately

• Hey, remember Michele Bachmann?

• Why your penis curves

• Christmas

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-October Harvest Edition