Frito-Lay Has Hit a Wall

Hot Mustard

Tangly Pickle

Tangy Ketchup

It sure seems like Frito-Lay Co. has run out of flavor ideas and has just raided a hot dog stand condiment area. You okay, PepsiCo? You ready to announce Dorito flavored Doritos? New unsalted-then-resalted Doritos? Doritos for Women?

Procedures and Treatments NOW Approved By Your Health Insurance!

Historically, the country's major healthcare insurance providers have been very restrictive of the types of treatments they'll pay for, from adult dental services to infertility treatments to long-term care for seniors.

But in a recent progressive move, the nation's major health insurance companies have all agreed to expand their coverage. Here is a short list of the medical services they will now pay for:

• Sprained wrist from writing checks to them

• the "vapors"

• offsite gynecological exams

• stumpism

• Kohl's Disease

• Affluenza

• Any leg or foot therapy from lobbying in Washington for any legislation to favor major healthcare providers

• The Alabama Shakes

• kink shame

New EADJ Segment: Rising YouTube Celebrities To Watch For

The following are the latest, most popular breakout stars of YouTube, and if you've never heard of them, that means you are about to die of old age.

YouTube Breakout Star: DW11N11K

# Followers: 494,327,598

Summary: DW11N11K is a 19 year old from Belgium who looks at snack cakes (we never see the snack cakes on camera) and makes funny comments about them, often using his hilarious trademark insult "SNÂÂKKØØ!" in his four (and counting) videos. The Huffington Post called DW11N11K "the future of comedy."

Upcoming Project: DW11N11K has just signed a three-picture deal to write, direct and produce a 3D, IMAX DW11N11K trilogy with a budget of $567 Million. "SNÂÂKKØØ!" indeed.

YouTube Breakout Star: Samanthy Van Husselof-Camembert, in her blog "sAmAnThY's Makeup Instructionals"

# Followers: 8 trillion

Summary: Samanthy is a makeup blogger who alternates between how-to's about makeup and complaining about her Mom's diarrhea (they share the bathroom). In just 4 minutes, you can emulate the lipstick secrets of Princess Grace and Ariana Grande OR learn more about how dehydrated a 53 year old woman can become after only two trips to the toilet.

Upcoming Project: Samanthy is planning a "Friends" reunion, although none of the original stars have signed on, and so far it's only Samanthy and her Mom.

YouTube Breakout Star: Professor Timothy Grant of Rutgers University a.k.a. THE TIMBERSHANK

# Followers: ∞

Summary: Little is known about the secret identity of THE TIMBERSHANK, other than it's Professor Timothy Grant, head of the Biology Department at Rutgers University. THE TIMBERSHANK hosts a series of disturbing videos of cells dividing, moths mating and something called "symbiotic relationships between animals of different species." Trippy and psychedelic, these unexplainable videos are the cutting edge of avant garde YouTube entertainment.

Upcoming Project: Professor Timothy Grant a.k.a. THE TIMBERSHANK will be a chaperone at the Rutgers University Orientation Mixer For Freshman at the beginning of the Fall Semester. His office hours are 5pm-6:30pm on Thursdays in the Plant Science Field House building on the George H. Cook Campus.

Introducing A New EADJ Segment: Health Food Snackness

There's a health food store a few blocks from my office, and during lunch I eat at delis and gyro stands around it. But it was only recently that I discovered that the health food store had its own sandwich counter in the back, offering such delicacies as the tofu, lettuce and tomato sandwich or the gluten-free vegetarian falafel wrap. Mmmmm.

But on the way to the sandwich counter, I noticed that the shelves were stocked with unique snacks. 

And among these snacks were the health food "equivalents" of popular mainstream sweets.

Raweo. Okay. I'm not sure what "Live Cookies" means, unless I open the package and those things are going to start scurring to the corners of the room. Although the package promises flavors of vanilla, almond, coconut, honey and cinnamon, I'm very doubtful that this can successfully approximate the tasty extruded chemical white "Stuf" inside an Oreo.

Long story short: I bit into one of those cookies and had to immediately spit it out. I mean, I had to hock out every last morsel of said cookie into the trash because the taste and texture was instantly disgusting. But could I taste honey or a soupcon of almond in the creme? WHO GIVES A SHIT GET THIS OUT OF MY FUCKING MOUTH. I will say I stopped short of gagging, so there's that.

Verdict: Raweos should not only hang its head in shame for even attempting to compare itself to Oreos, all proceeds of its sale should be redirected to wrecking ball-ing of the factory and horse farm/teepee commune that produces this abomination. On a scale from 1 to 100 (with 100 being the most delicious) Raweos scores a solid 3. No, 2.

This new EADJ segment will document my exploration of the various healthy snacks to prove once and for all that health food nuts really don't enjoy living all that much.

Will someone generate a logo for this segment, please?