Happy Halloween from Eat A Dick Joel

We hope everyone has a spooky and safe Halloween filled with frights, candy and Party City returns.

EADJ Selections From the Sharper Image Catalog

One good thing about the Sharper Image catalog is that it's got some pretty high quality printing on some decent stock semigloss paper. The staples, too. There are three of them holding the whole thing together. Some quality work, really.

Here are some items from said catalog that you can buy for some reason:

(click to enlarge and read)

Some Watercolor Animals And Their Terrible Confessions

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Duck Handled Umbrellas

You've seen 'em in stores. You've spotted them in terrible catalogs. You've even seen fat, un-marry-able women carrying them on overcast days. They're duck-handled umbrellas, and they're more annoying than they are charming.

No, let me change that. They're 80 times more annoying than they are charming. Meaning for whatever slight amusement they give one owner, they make 80 people want to kill them.

What's the attraction? "Hey, everybody, I've got a surprising, whimsical handle on my umbrella!" No, you're carrying around a perfectly functional umbrella that's been ruined by a lapse in good taste.

"Nice weather for ducks" is the expression I imagine duck-handled umbrellas are referencing. And what an archaic, unfunny "Family Circus" expression it is. Why not make an "I Dunno" or a "Not Me" umbrella instead? Do you understand that reference? You suck.

"Well, maybe they're for children," you might propose. No, if those umbrellas were really for children, they'd have Spider-Man handles and My Pretty Ponies printed all over the umbrella itself with an embedded playable Nintendo in the shaft. No, a real umbrella for kids would actually be fun, not a half-assed, hastily-painted carving of a duck's head. The people who own these types of umbrellas aren't allowed anywhere near children.

Even more detailed, more expensive versions of the duck-handled umbrella are tacky and unnecessary. All they do is make people question your judgement even more. Fuck duck-handled umbrellas with an angry, rain-soaked mallard penis.

Umm, No.

A display spotted at Blockbuster Video(?):


Then this was disturbing:


Unless that's the only way you can get an erection, I wouldn't recommend putting a sinister anarchist killer played by a dead actor wherever "the magic happens."

I also like how feminine that bedroom in the photo looks. Like Aunt Judy decided to have the Joker watch over her restless legs syndrome.

Other terrible places to put a Joker standup:
• in the bathroom at a wayward school for girls
• on the front stoop at Mary Kate Olsen's apartment in Soho
• behind a CVS pharmacy counter
• any crime scene
• in the back seat of Paula Abdul's car
• Graceland
• with a loaded gun in a crowded club with a certain NFL star who got in trouble for doing that exact thing
• India
• in one of the cars at the Hershey's Great American Chocolate Tour ride
• in a waiting room at a cosmetic surgeon's office
• in a failing video store chain

Joel MacDonald Ate A Dick, E-A-E-A-D-J

What to do, what to do.

Joel locked himself out of the apartment this morning when he took some used dick containers out to the trash. Unfortunately, it was still 4am, and none of his neighbors were up yet. So Joel tried to fall asleep on one of the lounge chairs by the pool.

The nearsighted security guard Paolo saw a figure sleeping by the pool and just assumed it was a bum who wandered onto the premises. He swung his truncheon onto Joel's shins, creating a loud CRACK that woke him up.

But before Joel had a chance to protest and explain his situation, Paolo had bagged him in a lawn trash bag and proceeded to throw him over the hedges into an adjoining construction site, which was a good 30 foot drop.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough enjoyed a very quiet, leisurely breakfast.

(pictured above, the actual bed that I slept in while visiting my cousin in New Jersey)