Today We Say Goodbye To Stuff Advertisers Tell Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Say Goodbye To More Marketing Bullshit

Buh-Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

UAG

New Perks Just Added To the AMC Stubs Rewards Program!

If you're a card carrying member of AMC's Stubs Rewards, you already know all the magic and fun to be had at your local movie theatre just by flashing your membership card or keychain fob. But here are even more benefits you can expect at your next trip to the movies:

• Popcorn that turns your poop yellow

• Free novelization of the movie you're watching to read while we repair the projector

• Slow ride

• Take it easy

• Our dockmaster will scrape the barnacles off your skiff for half off

• Emoji subtitles for the young 'uns

• $500 back for every ticket purchased (carryover from MoviePass business model)

• If you bring your own projector and the picture is actually clearer than ours, we'll allow it

• Free extra cry with any Pixar movie

• Shannon won't bother you anymore

• Free refill of Vanilla Coke. In fact, take it all. Shit's gross.

• Free admission to any Kevin Spacey, Louis C-K or Bill Cosby movie

Even More Unknown Perks of the AMC Stubs Card

Being a member of the AMC Stubs rewards program already has its benefits, but check out these other fabulous bonuses you can get just by signing up today:

• Free admission for Wookiee sidekicks

• $40 off any single Twix bar

• Free potbellied pig rental with any movie

• Free July 1984 copy of Fangoria

• If Alanis Morisette goes down on you in an AMC theatre, we won't say anything

• You get to sit in the handicapped seat even if you're not handicapped, and actual handicapped people who want the seat can't do anything about it

• No outside food allowed, but Stubs members can sneak in booze (as long as they share)

• Free printout of all Limp Bizkit lyrics

• You can pee anywhere (dine-in theaters excluded)

• For any DCEU movie, you can get your money back in advance

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of August 21

Twitter is shit. But even shit has shittier shit at the bottom. So here's some unusable shit in your shitty shit Twitter shitter feeds:

#spanxdebt

That's it.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Yes, but where is the long form certificate, Boaz?!

I don't have much to say about this one except it better fucking rhyme.

"Drillary Clinton?" On blue lipsticks? Even if you had an explanation handy, I wouldn't want to hear it.

Look, someone took one of those faxes that old people used to send each other to hang on their office walls (like that frog choking the crane trying to eat him: "NEVER GIVE UP") and turned it into a mixtape cover.

I dunno. Any Teen Wolf loses cred with me the moment he starts drinking "purp."

"I am a beautiful flower and I do not give a fuck."

Xanax giving the middle finger. Jax Briggs and Raiden from Mortal Combat. Intoxicated cartoon stars. No change on this one. 10++

WHY TRY IF KANYE DOESN'T

One thing the Maryland DMV really hates- people who burn the popcorn in the break room microwave.

SkippA dA FlippA is tellin yA he's not good with his Rs.

That time we got bored and sat on miniature shit.

I hear that wooden plank spits some serious bars.

Either this guy is stuck in a Hype Williams video from the 90s or he's looking forward to "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story."

UAG

Let's Tap Our Cigarette Ash Into the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted via IM by Bill Dow, a quick anecdote about him and his fiancée:




Way to spoil a good story, Pewter Bear. You're probably one of those types that people invite to a party, like once. Cuz once you get there and start spouting off your know-it-all, insufferable pie hole full of facts, the word spreads that you're a detestable, unimaginably withering puke of a shitstain. Read these next three words slowly and carefully, Pewter Bear, so that it can enter that thick pewter brain of yours: NOBODY LIKES YOU. Oh, and: DIE.

Anyway, thanks to Bill for letting me publish that!

Let's Re-Uncinch the EADJ Mail Sack!

(the following is a letter from Andrew Gall in the Creative Department Annex)

Last night I returned home around 12:15 a.m. I came upon a somewhat nerdy looking bicyclist, who called my attention to a squashed iguana, directly in front of the entrance to my building. He excitedly said he was going home to get his camera. The iguana looked like something out of a cartoon, squashed flat, with no traces of his (or her) insides. I tried to piece together the events. Someone’s beloved pet was apparently let loose to run amok on a busy street. Somewhere, a child, most likely of spanish descent, was crying. I hurried inside for the night. When I returned to the scene this morning, the dead iguana had been moved closer to the sidewalk. Someone must have felt compassion. I pulled out my shitty Nikon digital camera to take a picture, but the battery was dead.