Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories To Be Featured On InfoWars

Alex Jones's crack team of conspiracy writers have been gracious enough to share with us another exclusive sneak peek at shows they're working on. Here's what to expect in the coming weeks:

• Chore Boy scrubber pads are "Big Copper's" trick to get you into buying more copper.

• It turns out the Matrix is real and THE REAL WORLD IS THE SIMULATION! WAKE UP PEOPLE or GO TO SLEEP or something!

• Rage Against the Machine is a prefab band created by boy band guru Lou Pearlman to cater to more rebellious teens

• Ironically, RFID chips are inserted into every episode of CHiPs to spy on you.

• Every time a server at El Torito offers you "fresh guacamole", decline because it's actually a trick to get you to surrender your civil rights. (needs work)

• Neon signs don't actually contain neon gas but the souls of aborted babies, and every time a sign blinks, it hurts them.

• Everyone who works or has ever worked at a Zales jewelry store are werewolves.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

MC Wile E. Coyote has a plan. Produced by ACME Studios.

But before E.T. boarded his spaceship and headed home, he lifted his finger and told Future, "I'll be right here... for an unnecessary collabo with Drake and 2 Chainz."

"I see you've recently changed the oil on your sedan. I can respect that. Someone who takes the time to maintain and care for their car will have great use out of it for years to come. That's something most people don't realize- they drive the heck out of a car, thinking it doesn't need to be taken into the shop until it's starting to break down. But you get it. You understand the importance of regular tune ups and... oh shit, WHERE ARE MY SHOES?"

Yes, it is possible to fail a Photoshop course.

Crip starter kits are only $119.99 with your Sam's Club card.

Few people realize that Drake is an amateur gemologist. Here are a few gems from his collection of rare glass doorknobs from old ladies' homes.

An A? I'd drop a whole letter grade because he can't spell "similes."

This could be a new age CD- I don't care. It is an awesome cover.

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

In this installment, we give a hearty goodbye to C_______ from R_________ for using her Wall as a public form of self-affirmation, which is not a crime unto itself, but judging by the posts, either a ton of her friends have consistently betrayed her, or she just posts shit like this to make sure they never do. Translation: extreme manufactured drama by a very entitled person who doesn't have time for this shit but uses ALL HER TIME to post about it.

Here is a sampling of posts C______ made in the LAST WEEK:

And all this came to a head yesterday when C_____ posted this head-scratcher:

So many questions. First one being what does "turn up" mean. Like any other old man, I had to go to Urban Dictionary for clarity:

The other (maybe bigger) question is, why is poor Kermit the Frog part of this? Why has thatsnoneofmybusinesstho co-opted him, of all characters? Maddening. (Careful clicking on that link. You might get an overdose of sass.)

Amen, sister. Bye!

Irrigation Cap Was Irked

Irrigation cap was irked.


Rollers on a toolbox seemed distracted.


Bathroom stall drill holes was frankly shocked.


Urinal flusher just smiled and picked his nose.


But recycling bin cover couldn't get over it.


Car keys totally laughed it off.


Traffic light was nonplussed (submitted by Emily Kane).


And motorcycle dashboard about had a heart attack (also submitted by Emily Kane- I guess she likes this segment?).

Sublime Nonsense #9

"I wasn't planning on doing a strip this week, but then I had this random twisted notion yesterday and thought it needed to be shared." -Larry K