It's The Alex Jones Dumbshit Conspiracy Preview Extravaganza!

InfoWars continues its war on info as Alex Jones's staff of writers create brand new unverifiable conspiracies for him to hoarsely vomit on air. Here now are stories you can expect to see in the coming month:

• Auntie Anne is a lesbian and makes pretzels because it arouses her to twist things into knots, wink wink

• Spirit Airlines charges an extra "saved soul tax" if you're a Christian

• It must really be a bummer to be in the team that forms Voltron but only be like the left leg. How boring would that be? (not really a conspiracy, but something to think about)

• If you bowl a perfect 300 at your local bowling alley, the manager is required to send your name to the FBI to flag as a possible "bowling insurgent"

• Men who wear muttonchops are part of a secret society that drink from steins and ride recumbent bicycles. The group is called "The Embarrassing Uncles".

• If you ever find a woman's G-spot, she is required to send your name to the FBI as a possible "Female Body Inspector"

Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories To Be Featured On InfoWars

Alex Jones's crack team of conspiracy writers have been gracious enough to share with us another exclusive sneak peek at shows they're working on. Here's what to expect in the coming weeks:

• Chore Boy scrubber pads are "Big Copper's" trick to get you into buying more copper.

• It turns out the Matrix is real and THE REAL WORLD IS THE SIMULATION! WAKE UP PEOPLE or GO TO SLEEP or something!

• Rage Against the Machine is a prefab band created by boy band guru Lou Pearlman to cater to more rebellious teens

• Ironically, RFID chips are inserted into every episode of CHiPs to spy on you.

• Every time a server at El Torito offers you "fresh guacamole", decline because it's actually a trick to get you to surrender your civil rights. (needs work)

• Neon signs don't actually contain neon gas but the souls of aborted babies, and every time a sign blinks, it hurts them.

• Everyone who works or has ever worked at a Zales jewelry store are werewolves.