UAG

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Add Music In Instagram Stories

1) Swipe to the new "Music" caption under the record mode when you're in the Instagram Stories camera.

2) Search for a song and choose the exact part you want for your photo or video

3) Capture your story while the song is playing in the background

And speaking of background, as a limo driver, I try to not listen in on conversations happening in the back. But if you're in a shouting match about forcing your girlfriend to have the abortion, I'm going to have to pull over and beat your ass. 

Stay safe, kids!

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Big K.R.I.T. moves his pawn to b4 to challenge the black bishop.

Shaliek isn't so sure why that pawn needed to be sacrificed.

Sam Smith imagines moving a pawn to c3 to challenge the bishop again would be a good move, seeing how it would be protected by the pawn on d2.

D'Angelo notices that the white's defenses, particularly the queen and king, are more open because of all the aggressive moves.

DJ Quik is glad the black bishop retreated to a5.

Emilio Rojas is glad white decided to finally castle.

Gema Corredera advances the black pawn to d3,  perhaps forcing the queen out of d1.

Group Home moves the white queen safely out of range to b3.

Pete Rock responds by bringing out the black queen to f6.

Drake and Rihanna see that the black's defenses are solid for the moment but could be broken with a few well-placed bishops.

Sam Smith believes the black king is fucked.

Yung J.R. wonders if there's a Connect Four set lying around...

Oh, The Indignity

Pictured above, J'Net tries to maintain her poise while waiting in the bathroom line at an "all ages" show.

(The girls behind her half-vomited on herself and is looking for a napkin to wipe a gigantic snot, and the girls horsing around in front of her probably didn't have to pee all that badly.)

Mailwar: A First Shot is Fired

I got a strange package in the mail the other week. Since I order crap from ThinkGeek and Bloodshot Records occasionally, I didn't think of it.


But then I opened it. Did I order a watch?


Pens? I didn't...what the?!


Son of a bitch.

Description:
"This smooth-writing, retractable plastic pen features contemporary styling, with a metallic burgundy barrel accented by silver tip and clip top. The silver imprint features Laura's name and autograph, her official website, as well as the legacy phrase. An inexpensive pen for daily use, or to have on hand to pass out to friends or to pique someone's interest in Laura! Medium point, black ink."




I know exactly who sent this to me. MIG PONCE. Some of you who went to my bachelor party know of his legend. There are even quite a few people who know his name but are convinced that he doesn't even exist.


Well, this will NOT STAND. I must retaliate. Luckily, Mig left a RETURN ADDRESS! I will mail him something stupid very soon. I'll keep you posted as to whether the package will be Laura Branigan-related or not. I already have some ideas.

An Imagined Conversation.

Publicist: Good morning, everyone. Shall we get started?

Record Label Exec: Yes. Our album release date is in 90 days. We have distribution lined up, marketing has been budgeted, and radio stations all have gotten a heads up. But we still need a title for the album.

Recording Artist: What is this pink stuff on the bagels? Is this fish?

Record Label Exec: Err, I think that's lox.

Recording Artist: Who?

Publicist: It's fish. Salmon, specifically.

Record Label Exec: (pause) Anyway, we have video hosting appearances squared away with Fuse and MTV, but they both requested album artwork, and we still need to name the CD...

Recording Artist: There's like boogers on the fish, too.

(silence)

Publicist: Those are capers.

Recording Artist: (pokes at bagel)

Publicist: (clears throat) Well, we want an album title that reflects a new phase in the artist's career. Something that shows depth and maturity.

Recording Artist: Holy shit, they taste like boogers too! Nasty!

Record Label Exec: How about "This Is Me," or some crap? Seems to always work. It makes them seem to bare their soul and contemplate their existence and legacy in the music world.

Publicist: Done. (to Recording Artist) Let's get a McMuffin for you.

Recording Artist: I dressed myself!

RUN!

(pictured below, Gambino terrorizes a small neighborhood in the Bronx)

A New EADJ Monday Segment: The Confused NYC Tourists

Pekka: Helmi!

Helmi: What, Pekka?

Pekka: Can you see what I see?

Helmi: There is so much to see in New York the City. Which thing are you seeing?

Pekka: Agreed, there is an explosion of visual delights in this marvelous city. But I was specifying the looking at the one thing on the "side-walk" there.

Helmi: Ø Mein Göten!

Pekka: I know, right?

Helmi: Ø the wonders of mankind! New York the City is like a display of man's finest achievements!

Pekka: I am glad that I brought the photo-camera with us to United States for recording these marvels.

Helmi: Well, don't just stand there, take a photograph of the strange thing!

Pekka: I am still lost in wonder. Is it even real? How did it find its way there? Who helped it become that way? It is so high. perhaps it is a tall farmer's duty? So many questions.

Helmi: No time to wonder! Photograph the thing so we can show our relatives! We can discuss later, there is no time! PHOTOGRAPH IT!!!!

* click *

Let's Thump the Bottom of the EADJ Mail Sack To Get Ketchup Out!

Spotted by J'Net in Chinatown:



I guess it's understandable seeing how there are ducks hanging in the adjacent window. But still, how awkward.