More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Okay, I bought a thousand copies of 'Brewster's Millions'. How much was that?"

"I'm back, Dad! Wait, you didn't even notice I was gone?! 🙁"

"Wait, where's my horse? THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS!"

"Me, Jane. You, white man in jungle trying to co-opt primate culture for likes."

"F"

"You want to hire the Iceman? Yeah, I'll ice anybody you need me to ice, for the right price. You're not a cop, are you? Because icing somebody means killing, which is illegal."

"Barney, I think we're about to have a pointless, wacky foot chase around the castle and end up in exactly the same spot!"

"This pillow you got from D.C. is so delightfully soft! The feathers are so bouncy! What was the secret, you say?"

"I know what you're gonna say. I get it all the time. But yeah, I am not him. I admit, my name is similar. So don't even make a joke about it and start talking funny."

"Привет!"

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Ten Tough Questions For You

1) What are you doing at McDonald's?

2) Of all the things you could order at McDonald's why would you order a Filet-O-Fish®?

3) If you were somehow forced into ordering a Filet-O-Fish®, why in God's name would you want two of them?

4) Now that you have two Filet-O-Fishes®, are you going to actually sit there in public and eat both of those nasty fucking things?

5) Does all that tartar sauce make you feel like a porn star?

6) Did you ever notice that there is fucking CHEESE in those things? Great Shit.

7, 8) How do you feel after downing two Filet-O-Fish® sandwiches although you only paid for one? Do you feel like you got away with something, or do you feel like you're being punished for something?

9) On the back of your new receipt, is there yet another coupon for a free Filet-O-Fish® with a purchase of a Filet-O-Fish®?

10) Do you have $2?

The Only Four Scenarios Where This Photo Would Make Any Sense

Scenario 1: a buxom Indian princess is rescued from a stampeding herd by Tony Stark (using an experimental 'big head' design) and Peter Parker (who fell under a reverse-aging spell cast by Doctor Strange) with the help of Frankie Stein from Monster High. Everyone dies horribly.

Scenario 2: This is an alternate Marvel universe where Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider in his crib, thus allowing him to fight his nemeses, Racially-Insensitive Indian Squaw and Frankie Stein from Monster High. In this same alternate universe, Tony Stark is a terrible designer and can't get all of his armor to fit or work right. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 3: Frankie Stein from Monster High learns that her real Dad isn't Frankenstein's monster, but a hydrocephalic Iron Man and a racist Sofia Vergara. Her little brother is an inept Spider-Man fan who is too young to web sling successfully but tries to fight crime anyway with his family. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 4: A shitty Halloween superstore attempts to advertise their low-quality merchandise before the police catch on and close their 1-month lease. Everyone dies horribly.

So You're Pregnant And Betrayed

The first thing you gotta do is ask yourself, how did I get pregnant and betrayed in the first place? What steps have I taken (or not taken) to leave me vulnerable to this pregnancy/betrayal? Is the man who impregnated me the same one who betrayed me? If I let that person impregnate me, did I not also give unspoken permission for him to betray me as well? These are the questions you should be asking.

Of course, if you kept your legs together/cards close to your vest, you wouldn't be finding yourself knocked up and backstabbed. If you had taken the necessary precautions to keep the wrong man from entering your vagina/circle of trust to avoid propagation/double-dealing, you wouldn't have a bun in the oven and be left holding the bag. 

But what's done is done. There is no reason to be stewing in your hormones/disillusionment and looking at what you could have done differently. All you can do now is pick up your uterus/chin and move forward.

But let this be a lesson to you- be more careful before you let a man conceive a child with you/sell you down the river. Don't let that man's sperm fertilize your egg/double-cross you. Here's a rule of thumb: don't let the guy who fucked you fuck you. Fuck you.

Any mother can be an idiot. And obviously any idiot can be a mother.

I Must Have This Album

In Target, I spotted a familiar face on the CD display.


Is that Robin Meade from CNN? The pretty, perky anchor and sometimes morning host who somehow wears too much makeup? With an album?


Why, yes it is.


And I guess someone told her she can sing, because there's a whole album of her country songs. Unfortunately, there were NO CDS AVAILABLE in the racks, so I had to just press the button to hear Robin's tunes. And what I heard sounded like a donkey/cat hybrid violating a truckload of mis-tuned violins.



I MUST OWN THIS ALBUM. This is unfortunately a Target Exclusive, so I have to go back to check if they restocked it next week.

Soon, my dear Robin, soon. Your donkey/cat hybrid voice will be mine to crank from my Prius.

Side note: Is it just me, or does that song sound like The Eagles' "Life In The Fast Lane?"

Side side note: Duh. That's a Don Henley cover song. No wonder. I never made that connection that the two songs were similar.

How Nice.

A girl brings enough pizza for the entire flight.

What Not To Wear. Ever.

Spotted in the security line at the Newark Airport, black leggings over pink frilly panties. I will repeat that. Black leggings OVER pink frilly panties.




"Shee-it. I know I look good."

Well, Shit.

How did I end up here?

"You're Looking For Lightbulbs? Sure, They're in Aisle 5 With 'Sauces & Condiments.'"

Umm, No.

A display spotted at Blockbuster Video(?):


Then this was disturbing:


Unless that's the only way you can get an erection, I wouldn't recommend putting a sinister anarchist killer played by a dead actor wherever "the magic happens."

I also like how feminine that bedroom in the photo looks. Like Aunt Judy decided to have the Joker watch over her restless legs syndrome.

Other terrible places to put a Joker standup:
• in the bathroom at a wayward school for girls
• on the front stoop at Mary Kate Olsen's apartment in Soho
• behind a CVS pharmacy counter
• any crime scene
• in the back seat of Paula Abdul's car
• Graceland
• with a loaded gun in a crowded club with a certain NFL star who got in trouble for doing that exact thing
• India
• in one of the cars at the Hershey's Great American Chocolate Tour ride
• in a waiting room at a cosmetic surgeon's office
• in a failing video store chain

Dear Monica Vega From Thornberg & Forester Reps:

Uncle.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Intimate Agony

Oh dear. Watching this was brutal. Think all the excitement of reading a clinic herpes brochure, but with the star power of Luke from General Hospital and Robert Vaughn. I guess some ABC executives were required by law to broadcast information about the rising genital-herpes spread by the CDC, and they decided to "sweeten" the message by turning it into a feature movie. Genius!

But at least I guess this movie has an important message behind all the glamour and exciting set pieces: once you've been visited by Uncle Herp, he'll always swing by unannounced to infect your crotch with lap pepperoni. Serious stuff.








The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Doctor: You're still contagious. No sexual contact with anyone til it's cleared up.

Ned: Isn't there a chance... I could have picked it up any other way?

Doctor: I'm afraid not. You married?

Ned: No, no. I'm single.

Doctor nods and frowns.

END SCENE TO BREAK AWAY TO ENJOLI, CHARLIE AND BIJAN FRAGRANCE COMMERCIALS



The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Dr. Richards: I asked her to leave because what we have to talk about is strictly confidential. I won't tell anybody. You're my patient–I respect your right to privacy, same as everyone else. What you have is genital-herpes. There's no cure yet, but it's controllable, and with understanding you can lead a perfectly normal life.


Katie: There's no cure?

Dr. Richards: It's a virus, Katie. The symptoms go away, but the bug sort of hides in an area near your spine called the sacral ganglia. Sometimes it flares up again. We don't know exactly why.



Katie: You mean It's gonna happen over and over?

Dr. Richards: Not necessarily.







Katie: I heard you can get cancer.

Dr. Richards: Your chances of getting cervical cancer go up. So it's important that you get frequent pap smears.




(music)
Dr. Richards: You might feel... frightened, guilty, even embarrassed. Katie, I can treat the disease. I don't know that I can help you with those other feelings, but I'd like to try. But I can tell you this: they are far more dangerous than the virus.

Katie: Can I go?

Dr. Richards: Will you come back so we can talk?

Katie: I gotta go.

exeunt



















The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Dr. Chambers: Okay Tommy, lecture time...Tommy, there are 2 types of herpes virus. Type 1 is common. Like a cold sore or fever blister. Type 2 is what you got. Genital-herpes. I can't cure it, Tommy. I can only treat the symptoms and give you the facts.


Tommy: Well, I don't LIKE the FACTS!


Dr. Chambers: The facts don't care! You got herpes! That means you have to tell the women you're going to have sex with BEFORE you go to bed with them that if you have an outbreak, they'll probably get it.



Tommy: Great. How am I supposed to know when I'm contagious?







Dr. Chambers: Okay the active period is called viral shedding. You're contagious from just before that during a period called the prograll, when you have a tingling or burning sensation. Then in a couple of days the area becomes inflamed. Blisters form, rupture, dry out. And then you wait until the lesions are completely healed.


















So overall, Intimate Agony was marginally more enjoyable than actually contracting genital-herpes. Certainly more cinematic an effort than Chlamydia-Bake! and On Burning, Golden Pond.