Are You Shitting Me?

An actual ad on Facebook uses footage of climbing Jan. 6 rioters to advertise some shitty grip trainers. Fuck you Facebook, and fuck you Gripzilla!

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of April 25, 2017

I scream, you scream, we all scream for Twitter's servers to crash permanently! Here are the latest godawful hashtags you can use in your godawful Twitter feed, ya dense goon:

#grist

#slothjerky

#Cheetochopsticks

#poppingzitsattheMet

#icanfitCheeriosonmydick

#promposingatanSTDclinic

#WolfBlitzersballsarentfurry

#browsingKalPennsIMDbpage

#bodyshamingStephenHawking

#alotofthesethingsareblatantlysexual

Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week (DUE EOD TODAY!)

Hello

This security guard Yuri from downstairs

Sorry for not speak English as hot as rest of you workers, but managerment ask me to remind every one in office to fill out sheets of time before day end. Other wise department of accounting will be un-able to "cut" a pay-check for your particular employee number.

HE SAY THIS EMPORTANT

Please see list below for list of number to use for timessheets:

TIMESSHEETS BEGIN NOW:



83485 - Knocking the hustle

28555 - Choking on bubble tea yet AGAIN

42409 - Waking up at Medieval Times with no memory of how you got there

99244 - Saying you'll drain the swamp when in fact you're making it worse with even more corrupt appointees

11135 - Deciding between a hard taco and a soft taco

29492 - Pinpointing why "Suicide Squad" sucked so much dick

83347 - Calling your friend Margaret "Maggie" for the first time to make sure it's okay

421193 - Strumming my pain with his fingers

399304 - Sharing my life with his words

441486 - Eating corn on the cob the wrong way, making you look like a goddamned slut

252009 - Checking grandma for a pulse and being disappointed

731424 - Smuggling barbiturates in your Hatchimal

More Fake Taglines For Tragically, A Real Movie

Here Are Your Job Numbers

Billing on the 28th floor just sent a memo over. Please use these job numbers when filling out your timesheets for this week and next week:

475822 - Sensitivity Training For Executives

829910 - Explaining Why The Asian Character From "2 Broke Girls" Isn't Racist

901335 - Doing Timesheets

272453 - Confidential Fart Technology Seminar

496201 - Kicking Ass

043298 - Taking Names

942322 - Photoshopping Your Mother's Face Onto Things

607092 - Reducing The Creme In a Double Stuf Oreo So It's A Normal One

837602 - Memorizing The "Thriller" Dance

110092 - Talking Through A Burp

882913 - Getting 'Faced

871374 - Getting Pantsed

917111 - Defending Staind / Puddle Of Mudd

804244 - Masturbating To HGTV

An Imaginned Conversationne

"Philippe."

"Donne."

"I mustte say, I don'tte appreciate you leaving your garbagge in frontte of my Olde Curiosity Shoppe."

"I don'tte know whatte you're talking aboutte."

"You keepe leaving your goddamnne sackes of old bagels and napkinnes in frontte of my doorway. It's cluttering my entrance and blockking the waye for my custommers."

"What custommers?! Noboddye ever visitts your dusty olde shittehole."

"Fuckke you. I gette plenty of custommers."

"Likke who? Walk-innes from people givving up fromme waiting for a table at my Bagel Shoppe?"

"Thatte is unfaire."

"Unfaire butte true."

"You know Philippe, you shouldn't be surprised if someone threwwe a burning rocking chairre through your frontte windowwe sometimme."

"Is that a threatte?"

"Thatte's a promisse, motherfuckkerre."

Pathmark: Every Mis-Shelved Item Tells A Story

I never said every story was a good one.

In Need of Clarification

The Hunid Racks flyers post the other day left us at EADJ scratching our heads and nuts about wtf the group of terms meant on the energy drink flyer:


Are they serving suggestions for what to eat with the drinks? Are they personalized license plates? Well, thank heaven for the Internet. We found Hunid Racks' web page, where they clarified for us.


Verbatim, from their website:

Where did the name "Racks" come from?
The term Rack comes from black folks in the hood. "How much are you selling your car for? 5 Racks ($5000.00). "How much did your chain cost? 2 racks ($2000.00). A Rack for this, a Rack for that. It's a term people in the streets are very familiar with. It's an old saying, if you can make 100 Racks coming out the hood you have made it big time.

Why use the name 100 Racks?
No matter what level you hustle on, whether it be School, Business, Rap, or Real Estate you can achieve the ultimate goal "100 Racks".

So that list of terms (CHEESE, GUAC, HUNID THOW-WOW, LOAFS, and STACKS) are just synonyms for $100,000. I guess.

So now you can stop wondering, Vince Soliven!

Please Consider Purchasing Our Fine Products, BOOOOOYYYYYYEEEEEE!

I ordered some hip hop CDs from a company in Brooklyn and got them last week, along with some interesting flyers:



It looks like the beginnings of a true hip hop empire; synergy and diversification and shit. First up, some hip hop smokes:


You know there's gotta be some serious rivalry between the East Coast and West Coast Cigarillo Sales Divisions.


A true hustler likes his smokes to taste like grape. Even his miniature cigars (?!?!?!?)

Next up, three choices for energy drinks: Mac Dre brand, 2Pac brand, and general Hunid Racks brand. I can't tell if the list above the cans are things that go well with the energy drinks or if they're the names of rappers who enjoy the drinks. Especially "Hunid Thow-Wow." I thought I saw him perform on Kimmel last night. And wasn't Bread that seventies band that sang "If?"


But probably most interesting is the "Whats (sic) a Real Hustler?" section on the back, which helps an ad planning department define the Hustler demographic:


A hustler never uses apostrophes and is too busy hustlin to check for spelling errors. And "Construction?!" What ever.