It's Time To Say Goodbye To Whatever Bullshit Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags: Global Pandemic Edition

These are the least used hashtags used on Twitter these days. So go ahead and use them at your discretion:

#togetherness

#freekissingbooth

#officeopenfloorplan

#latexglovehandjive

#latexglovehandjob

#americacanbeatthiswithprayer

#sushichefswithamildcoughit'snothing

#handsacrossAmericaforthecure

#cripplingdepressionoverthiswholethingactuallyfeelsprettygood

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: DOs and DON'Ts Edition

When walking by a topiary sculpture of Cthulu, DO distract him with a quiltwork cardigan sweater made from table runner swatches.

When picking up your prescription, DON’T give other patrons at Walgreens a heart attack by letting your customized t-shirt frill get tangled in your shoulder hair.

If you have an extremely skinny build and a big poof of hair, DON’T wear the color brown, because otherwise you'll look like a Pixar-rendered broom.

If you accidentally go out in public dressed like a Hooters girl, DON’T be surprised if male strangers angrily ask you why their plate of terrible wings hasn't arrived yet.

If your legs are whiter than a Republican polar bear's teeth during an iceberg Klan meeting, DO coordinate with black socks, a black shirt and some poor-fitting lime green short shorts.

Dawn Of The Racist Appliances

UAG

"Route 30:" A Crappinema Post-Mortem

"Route 30" claims a spot between "The Suburbans'" suckage and "Incident On a Dark Street's" horribleness. The only reason this "3-lame-stories-in-one-bad-movie" rose above the average Crappinema film was because of Dany Delany's terrific, non-horrible acting.

Click to enlarge:

At Last: A Transcript of What The People In The NJ Transit Survey Photo Are Saying

Having exhausted (almost) every angle with regards to this enigmatic photo, we at EADJ have finally ponied up some cash to pay some professional lip readers to tell what these six people were actually saying during the photoshoot. Below are their findings:

JESSE: "He's either just smiling or saying a very solid 'S' sound. Maybe he's saying 'Sssorry for looking down your shirt?'"

JESS: "She is a puzzle. Her hands are moving, implying that she's in the middle of expressing something, but her mouth seems locked in a smile. Perhaps she's also using an 'S' sound, as in 'Megan Trainor ssssuckssssss.'"

ANGIE: "I feel like her lips and teeth are indicating a hard 'D' sound, like 'Donkey punches never really happen, do they?'"

TRINA: "Oh, this one's easy (and so is Trina!). She is clearly saying an 'ooo' sound, as in 'Whooo wants a piece of this action?'" I know I'm not supposed to judge in my profession, but that is disgraceful."

DON WITH THE THUMBS: "Since I cannot even see his mouth, I'm just going to assume he is saying, 'JEB BUSH IN 2016!' Yeah, that looks like it."

SIMON PETER: "Oh, I don't care much for him. Look at that slack pussy piehole of his. He's probably not saying anything interesting. Probably something like, 'You should really check out my Pinterest- it's full of great lifehack ideas.' Jesus, SPARE ME."

A Reminder From Your H.R. Department: DO YOUR TIMESHEETS!

Hello. This is Adrian from H.R. If you're getting this email, that means you still have August timesheets to complete. Please have them done by end of day today. Thank you.

For those of you who have received this email twice today, that means you have both July and August timesheets to complete by end of day. I cannot stress how crucial it is that you complete these so we can get submissions to payroll. Those of you who have not completed June, July, AND August timesheets should have received three emails today, plus a written note from myself and our president Don Guffner on the importance of doing timesheets in a prompt and accurate manner. These written notes were hand-signed by Mr. Guffner himself.

To complete your time sheets, just open your Auto Timesheet software in your "Applications" bar. You have to quit out of any running applications to launch this. A dialogue box will ask for your employee number, social, and Auto Timesheet password. If you have not been issued an Auto Timesheet password yet, the default is "CUNTRAPISTS3." I have no control over this as the default password. Sorry.

Next, go to "File: Open" then click on the radio button that says "Start a new timesheet entry." Do not click on "OK," because that will take you back to the launcher. Instead, press control-T-space bar, and that should begin your timesheet entry. From there, you can search for the proper timecode by typing "search" in the upper left-hand search bar. If you type "search"in the lower left-hand search bar, it will delete all your previous entries and reset all your account passwords. If you do this by accident, your default password is "CUNTRAPISTS3." Like I said before, I apologize but cannot do anything to change this as your default password. It came with the system.

Repeat these steps for every job number you need to enter. If you have PTO, please go to "File: Alternate Entry," then click on "Paid Leave" where you can enter the dates of your paid time off. Do not click on "unpaid leave" by accident. I think you know what happens if you do. Yep. "CUNTRAPISTS3."

If you have any questions about timesheet entry between now and 5pm, please don't hesitate to call me, Adrian, or my office mate Hadrian. My extension is x35667, and Hadrian's is the same except with one digit off at the end. Good luck!

Adrian
Human Resources

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of Jan 13

#MatildaBay

#GoofyisSexy

#pissedmyGivenchydress

#HobbitCum

#ShazzamingThatAmazingHerpesCommercial

#deathtoAmericanAirlines

#MerylStreepscooze

#ihavenothingoriginaltosay

#theWireDVDboxsetfitsinmyrectum

#successfulgasticbypasssurgerycelebratorypartyatSizzler

#화장실이 어디예요?

#KindleMaydaybuttonsuicide

#haggissmoothie

#RosaParksisaheroinahalfshell

#BigBangTheoryhilarity

Know The Difference!

"Let's Go! Vroom!" is a children's book that accompanies a set of LEGO DUPLO blocks for toddlers.
"Let's Go Bang" is the second studio album by Jennifer Love Hewitt, released in October 1995.

"Let's Go! Vroom!" comes with 12 different fun pieces to assemble.
"Let's Go Bang" has 12 tracks, including an unnecessary cover of Bread's "Baby I'm-a Want You."



"Let's Go! Vroom!" introduces children to iconic vehicles like airplanes and racecars.
"Let's Go Bang" introduced children in the 90s to really terrible dance music.

"Let's Go! Vroom!" comes with easy to follow assembly instructions.

"Let's Go Bang" never got it together. The album was met with enthusiasm by several program directors at pop radio, but with the departure of Doug Morris from Atlantic Records in 1995, the plans for promotion were canceled.

"Let's Go! Vroom!" is available for $12.99 plus shipping from the LEGO Shop.
"Let's Go Bang" is available for $0.01 plus shipping from Amazon.

"Let's Go! Vroom!" is made from BP-free colored plastic.
Jennifer Love Hewitt is all natural, baby. ;P

UAG

A Photo

Pictured above, what the ceiling of the Banana Republic For Women looks like at 9pm on a Wednesday while your wife tries on a third pair of khakis that will inevitably look exactly like the first two pair that she tried on but will require your opinion regardless and if you say anything like "Whatever" or "They all look the same," that will prompt a brief but tense moment of silence that will just prolong the agony.

And So Begins The Quest To Make DragonForce Happen.

The other day I was watching the past-its-prime-but-still-seriously-kickass program "Headbanger's Ball" on MTV2. And in between a vintage Accept clip and a Slipknottyesque death metal video, a commercial ran that sparked my interest. A commercial for a newly-released album by a group named DRAGONFORCE.





The name "DragonForce" is 50X Awesome on so many levels:

1) "Dragon"– Who doesn't like dragons, besides anyone who's not a 13-year-old misfit or a 80-year old Chinese furniture dealer? The fact that the band went there and not only gave a nod to something as dorky as dragons but BEGAN THEIR MOTHERFUCKING BAND NAME WITH IT says something about them as a musical group: that they rule with a double viking (Vikings are also dorkily awesome, btw).

2) "Force"- Let's ignore the possible Star Wars reference here because I think "Dragon" already captured that "not getting laid" contingent. The word "force" is an excellent choice because it's aggressive and forward-thinking. But it's also pretty fantastical and non-scary ("By the force of Wurrmar, I command thee to capture the goblet of Ürr!"). But I guess it's at least better than "thrust," "push," or "zoom."

3) Now combine the two words (but keep "Force" capitalized!) and you've got DragonForce, a title that does– I'll admit– sort of conjure imagery of stalactites and skies darkened by volcanic ash. But the name also sounds a lot like a Japanese Saturday morning cartoon. Or a series of dragon-themed race cars whose wheels you have to back up on the floor until they click before you let them zip around, scaring the dog. But I have to give credit to a band who could have easily named themselves something simpler, like "Dismember" or "Obituary" or "Venom" but decided on their own creation: "DragonForce." Fuck yeah.


Now, what kind of music does DragonForce play, knowing that it's obviously metal? I couldn't tell you because I put the TV on mute during commercials. But who gives a shit, man? It's DRAGONFORCE! That shit is awesome already! Stop being a pussy and crank it up!


Over the next week or so, we at Eat A Dick Joel will use our enormous readership to help promote DragonForce's musical career. We encourage you to buy DragonForce's new album, "Ultra Beatdown" at your local Camelot Music, FYE or Sam Goody music store. Or iTunes. If DragonForce is too loud, YOU'RE TOO OLD! Seacrest out!

\m/ \m/

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

Found on communitychannel's video blog entry "Sick Days. just a crappy hello," a comment by DeadMan064:

"i want to cum on your face!"

DeadMan064 is a metalhead from Serbia. So that is pretty cool, actually.

Let's moisten the top part of the opening of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Todd Crisman submitted the following photos via cameraphone while he waited for the Metra train:



Man.