Hey, Wait a Minute...

Ronald? Somebody is moonlighting.

 

The Ineffectual King in the Royal Match Mobile Game

If you've ever been on YouTube or Facebook lately, you've likely seen ads for Royal Match! A casual puzzle game that features a cartoon king in constant need of rescue.

He's always in danger of drowning or being buried alive or getting sliced by swinging saw blades. My first thought is, He's a king. Where is his security detail? How are they allowing him to always get into these situations? Is this a sexual kink of his?

I mean, it's a twist on the damsel in distress trope, I guess. But it does annoy me to see the supposed monarch of a sovereign nation groveling and begging like a pathetic coward. Have some self respect, your highness!

Yet Even More Terrible Porn Names

Before joining the porn industry, a lot of "hopefuls" think they need a big dong or some gigantic boobs to get started. And that's true, but you also need a catchy porn name. Something that sets you apart but isn't your real name, because who wants pervs showing up at your front door? Here now are some available porn names that you're free to use in your porn career. But keep in mind that like you, they will suck:

Him

Ty Tasshole

Little Lord Fondlemyballs

Q. Anon

Taika Bigshitonmychest

(your actual Social Security number)

Her

Shaquila Sunrise

Manda Lorian

Braxton Hicks Contractions

Medula Oblongottahaveit

Midi Chlorine

Sara Tonin