The Newest Scheduled Appearances at the Upcoming VidCon '24

The massively successful VidCon US is back with another amazing roster of influencers, online personalities, and other anonymous randos who just happen to own a smart phone. Here are the latest social luminaries that will be there:

• TikTok cooking instructor Kalley Hossus will explain why she isn't legally liable for the 300+ deaths after her latest cooking video.

• 12 year old influencer JEFF2YA will fight retired kickboxer Rick Roufus to the death.

• Olivia Rodrigo's limo will reportedly drive by the convention center.

• Instagram impressionist #ImpressionistDaniel will perfectly mimic a bunch of online personalities you don't know, but trust him— they're UNCANNY!

• The struggling garage band whose obscure hit trended on TikTok for about three days a month ago will be SELLING THEIR CDS in the parking lot.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Pathmark

Scheduled Appearances For VidCon 2023

VidCon is the latest gathering of content creators, influencers, and. useless dipshits social media stars, all in one place. Here are the latest digital luminaries to catch at this exciting new convention:

• Live daily podcasts from Gaff and the Nook from the second stall in the men's bathroom

• Make up blogger Thomas the Swank Injun will do touch-ups on a dozen faces in only 8 minutes

• Live music from Miranda Sings

• Prank Boyz and the Hidden Camera Gotcha Cru will battle to the death, to everyone's delight

• Jojo Siwa will drive past the building for $50,000

• Mommy blogger Carmen Disaratada will whoop your kid's ass live for likes

• Instagram comedian Disfigurement will take questions

• IG filter expert Shanna V will show everyone her real face for 3 seconds

• Get food poisoning by a variety of TikTok chefs

• Manosphere events will take place in a van in the parking deck

• Controversial puppeteer WHOGIVESASHIT will headline both Friday and Saturday

All The Content Creators and Influencers You Can Expect at VidCon '23

VidCon is becoming the world's foremost gathering of streamers and TikTok stars. Here's who to expect at the next convention:

• Baisley- the self-styled Instagram prankster and comedian who's been punched in the face only 4 times so far

• Samantha Risles- this 12 year old streamer simultaneously overshares and whines about wanting to be left alone

• Danny Masterson

• Tha B*XBOY Gang- based in Who Cares, Ohio, this untalented group of four brothers talk too loud and are all saying the same thing: We should've never been born.

• Victor Kush– considered YouTube's "uptight Ben Shapiro", this conservative firebrand is famous for his outrage culture war videos and macrame tutorials

• Just Horse Just– possibly an avant garde performance troupe. Possibly a group of morons in unitards playing with each other's dicks. 🤷

Reason #345,198,874,870 Why Social Media Is Dumb

GREEN BOWLS, YOU SAY? HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! CALL 911 AND ALERT THE TOWN CRYER!!!!!

Let's Ask The Dashboard Buddies: Should The Congressional Filibuster Be Removed?

Penguin: Shit, I dunno. I'm not exactly a Constitutional scholar. I think changing Congressional procedure feels like cheating, but abuse of the filibuster itself could be considered cheating, too, you know? Shit.

Cow: Who's Filly Buster? Is that a pornstar?

Hippo: This is a complex political issue that requires more thought than a pat answer from a dashboard toy. Shame on you for asking me to make light of the situation. OUR DEMOCRACY IS IN DANGER

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of May 5

Social media is the perfect way to share shit that nobody asked for. Whether it's Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google Plus (LOL), or Snapchat, you can broadcast the dumbest fucking nonsense to the widest swath of idiots in the time it takes for you to squeeze one off in the john. Here now are the least used hashtags that you can use in your next social media "blast:"

#papalthong

#subwaysoup

#camerareadyart

#ATATtainttattoo

#CSPANorgasms

#treygowdyshirtless

#TEDTalkatWalmart

#spencersgiftsregistry

#anthonykiedisbeautifulvoice

#makingmynipplesshakehands

#jellydonutfilledwithbloodplasma

Peter Piper Picked Pathmark, But Couldn't Rock Rhymes

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of October 17

Let's face it. Most people on Twitter have no idea what they're talking about. Some of them can barely put together a subject and a predicate. But even THEY have standards when it comes to using hashtags. The following hashtags have never trended and are available for you to use free of charge:

#douchingwhileoffroading

#ilove2016election

#BillyBushFanClub

#boogersculptures

#financialadvicefrombabies

#killingmesoftlywithhisknife

#nerfdildo

#electriceameschair

#spankingtheHulk

#nutallergyYOLO

#seamonkeyerotica

#srirachababyformula

#bestpalswithChrisChristie

#thongscentedcandles