UAG

EADJ Has Been Brought To You By Hug Sleep Pod

Hug Sleep Pod is the nation's best sausage casing-based way to get a good night's sleep. Made from almost entirely natural materials, the Hug Sleep Pod has been designed to constrict you to sleep, providing soothing pressure points from your ass to your forehead. Some of our satisfied customers include: Arkansas Secretary of State John Thurston, Jennifer Lawrence, Animaniac voice actor Maurice LaMarche,  Sam Bankman-Fried, Bella Hadid, and Dane Cook.

UAG

NEW: More Secret Perks of the AMC Stubs Card

Membership to the AMC Stubs Rewards program has its privileges. Here are just a few of the latest new benefits you can have by signing up now:

• We'll bail you out if you ever get arrested. No judgements, no questions asked, m'man.

• Secret handshake with a black member of our staff

• Fine. We will validate your stupid parking

• You can come up to our projection booth and blow Terry

• Free Dustbuster to suck up free candy from the seats

• We will tattoo the title of your favorite Jessica Tandy movie on your chest

• If you fall asleep at any time, we will rewind the movie for you and tell anyone that complains to fuck off

• Knife hands. Yeah, you heard right.

• If you are in an AMC prison, free conjugal visits every month

• We will force the Pokémon Company in Japan to name one after you

UAG

An Old Couple I Spotted Sleeping At A Sears In Jersey

Here's why it's totally cool:

• Sears put the comfy recliners there.

• All of the TVs were displaying a relaxing montage of nature with new age music

• They're old

• They're adorable

• They've been busy shopping at the Gap (and Sears, mind you, so they're paying customers)

• They kept their pants on

• Sears doesn't want to cause a PR stir by throwing out an Asian couple

• Sears won't hassle them on their way out the way Best Buy would

• It actually is a good ad for the chairs and TVs at Sears

• MSG makes you sleepy

• They probably did not leave that tissue in the brown chair

• The clerk probably spotted me and didn't want to throw out "my parents."