The Constantly Changing Number of New Jersey Monthly's Top Dentists, and Three Theories

On the wall at my son's orthodontist's office, there are awards that brag that his orthodontist has made the year's Top Dentist five or six times, according to New Jersey Monthly Magazine.

The odd thing is that the number of Top Dentists changes wildly from year to year— from 624 to 603 to 565. What the hell? Why doesn't the magazine just keep a constant number, like the Fortune 500? Here are three theories of why they might do this: 

Note: These are just a blind theories and are not based on any verifiable facts, so don't sue us, New Jersey Monthly

Theory 1: The magazine is corrupt and demands TRIBUTE

Like the old Who's Who of High School Students racket, this is not so much a commendation as it is a shakedown. New Jersey Monthly tells hundreds of dentists across the state that THEIR NAME WILL BE PUBLISHED but they have to pay a hundred bucks or so to have that honor. So some dentists play ball and pony up but lots of others say "fuck that" and the number changes year to year. 

Theory 2: Someone who works at the magazine is hopelessly incompetent

There's an editor, production designer, editorial manager or publisher who every year is FUCKING IT UP for the Top Dentists feature. New Jersey readers have gotten used to the yearly announcement of the state's Top Dentists, but someone behind the scenes is fumbling it every time. Either they're losing the list of awardees or messing up the magazine layout software or getting their leg caught in the printing press. Something. Something that results in the deadline approaching, and the magazine throwing their hands up and saying, "Oh well. Tatum messed up again, so I guess we'll make this year's list only 593 dentists. Nice going, TATUM."

Theory 3: The magazine hates this one New Jersey dentist and is fucking with him/her

This is my favorite theory. I believe there's ONE DENTIST in New Jersey who was hugely unpopular among their class in dentist school—whether deserved or not—which has resulted in the publishers of New Jersey Monthly to perpetually exclude them from their Top Dentists list.

So this means that this unfortunate dentist is clearly competent, but because they make the list of Top Dentists every year, the magazine decides to just cut the list off right at their number.

What are YOUR theories?

An Ongoing Conversation Between Taco Bell's Mexican Pizza and McDonald's McRib

The following series of interviews was produced by the same makers of Variety's Actors On Actors segment, but instead of actors, this covers a conversation between two fast food items that give you diarrhea:

MP: Hello, McRib. It's good to see you.

MR: Thanks for having me.

MP: Actually, I'm not hosting. I'm just here to interview and be interviewed by you. I've never even seen this place before.

MR: Oh okay. LOL

MP: So let's clear the air, first. We are not rivals, are we?

MR: No, not at all. We don't have a beef. I mean, you have beef. I'm pork. Ish...

MP: I love how self deprecating you are. I've recently made a comeback to join the Taco Bell menu full time, yet you still make occasional appearances. When can we expect to see you again?

MR: I'm not at liberty to say. But people are still welcome to check the McRib Locator site.

MP: Cool. Do you miss being on the permanent menu, after being removed in 1985?

MR: That's not really a fair question. You were removed in May 2022, remember?

MP: Yes, but that was because I was selling out.

MR: I see. Whatever

----------WATCH FOR PART 2 OF THIS SERIES COMING SOON----------

My Favorite Aaron Spelling Show From the 90s

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