Take A Long Walk Off A Short Racist Appliances!

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, drill that last rivet, and I think we're done."

"No, wait, Gordy. Don't come down yet."

"What's the matter? The pharmacy sign is up, and it's level! So, brewskies!"

"Nope. It's not centered now."

"What?! I measured the distance from the letters to the outlines. That thing is centered, Kevin."

"Yes, the letters are, but that gray bar they're on is sticking out the right side. It looks stupid."

"You're stupid."

"Hey, wait a minute. I've got an idea. We still have those extra letters in the truck that say 'Dept.,' so let's fill the rest of that space with those letters! It can say 'Pharmacy Dept.!'"

"That's brilliant, Kevin! Wait. Does that even make any sense?"

"Brewskies!"

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 4: Tribute

What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Woody Harrelson and Brittany Murphy are newlyweds who are suckered into buying a house that is literally FALLING APART! Despite their best efforts, hilarious hi-jinx involving ladders, paint buckets, and a rascally St. Bernard ensue. Special guest appearance by Christopher Walken as a bag lady. Rated G.

What The Movie Was Really About: Brittany Murphy is the granddaughter of a famous actress who allegedly committed suicide. She comes to her grandmother's dilapidated home to fix it up and "flip" it. Jason Lewis plays her comic book artist neighbor who is somehow interested in her. Through a series of dream sequences, Brittany's grandmother reveals that she was in fact murdered! Then they catch the killer and holy shit I'm glad this is the last one.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Mark Hamill plays a young farm boy named Luke Skywalker who finds two droids that have escaped from the clutches of Darth Vader and say they need to find an "Obi Wan Kenobi." They deliver a message from Princess Leia to him, along with schematic plans of a planet-sized battle station called the Death Star which Leia asks them to deliver to her home planet Alderaan. The group hire a cocky pilot named Han Solo and his Wookiee first mate Chewbacca to take them there. Instead, they find the planet destroyed and get captured by the Death Star. They avoid capture and eventually free Princess Leia. But Obi Wan confronts Darth Vader in order to assure their escape. Obi Wan is struck down, and the group escapes on Solo's ship, the Millennium Falcon. All of them (except Han Solo) join the Rebel Alliance. The rebels study the Death Star plans and find a weakness in its defenses. They plan their attack just as the Death Star discovers where their base is. They blow up the Death Star (with some last minute help from Han Solo!) and are awarded shiny medals at a fancy ceremony.

Nora Roberts Excellence: Yes, once again the handsome male lead fawns over the female lead although she isn't having it, and quite frankly this time is pretty nasty to him. Brittany Murphy (who I hear is crazy) pouts, mugs and overacts throughout this production. And the guy is so wooden you could mount a backboard on him and shoot a few hoops. AGAIN, this is a terribly weak 'love story' and is more about the murder mystery, peppered with some annoying dream sequences of the grandmother's fabulous dinner parties.

----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Woody Harrelson: -10 pts for just looking like he's in the poster.

Jason Lewis: +60 pts. My wife tells me he was on Sex and the City. So I'm assuming this is a big step up for him. Go get 'em, champ!

Brittany Murphy: -80 pts. Not that her star fell that far or anything. The amount is punitive. Plus I hear she's crazy.





Overall rating: F

State of My Mangina: "Slack but Relieved"

A Duvall Update.

Some EADJ readers with really good memories might remember an entry back in September 2007 about fashion designer Duvall, whose most famous creation was MC Hammer's genie pants and who somehow agreed to be my friend on myspace.


I checked myspace for like the first time in months, and it looks like Duvall has updated his gallery of creations: