UAG

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, drill that last rivet, and I think we're done."

"No, wait, Gordy. Don't come down yet."

"What's the matter? The pharmacy sign is up, and it's level! So, brewskies!"

"Nope. It's not centered now."

"What?! I measured the distance from the letters to the outlines. That thing is centered, Kevin."

"Yes, the letters are, but that gray bar they're on is sticking out the right side. It looks stupid."

"You're stupid."

"Hey, wait a minute. I've got an idea. We still have those extra letters in the truck that say 'Dept.,' so let's fill the rest of that space with those letters! It can say 'Pharmacy Dept.!'"

"That's brilliant, Kevin! Wait. Does that even make any sense?"

"Brewskies!"

HOLY SHNIKEE!

THIS JUST IN: I JUST GOT A FRIEND REQUEST FROM "DORIS!"

SHE WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW A DORIS!!!!

WOW, I WONDER HOW SHE GOT MY NAME??? MAYBE A MUTUAL FRIEND? LIKE THE DRUMMER FOR SUPRA-GENIUS?


NAHHHHH!!



Approved!

Never has dick been eaten so Joelly.

Joel was nice enough to lend us a notebook with some screenplays he was working on. The following excerpts are from a recent foray into science fiction:

The year is 2056. Fashionistas have taken over the government. Police in wool pleated cuff trousers and very smart maroon jackets with darts along the sides are rounding up all the unfashionable and shipping them to work camps and sweat shops. Vigilante supermodels, led by Vigilanté, are destroying all food supplies to make the world "slimmer so clothing can hang from them more flatteringly." One chubby man in sweatpants and a Nascar t-shirt hides in a bunker, biding his time...

A crack team of renegade commandos from the future go back in time to present day. Their mission– to warn the world about an upcoming onslaught of cataclysmic proportions. But due to limitations in their technology, they can only warn people through the only means available– through thank you messages embedded in Applebee's dining receipts.

It is a time of great peril. The Earth has been overrun by flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles. Not that the flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles are of any immediate threat– they're just so darn many of them that it's choking the intakes of every hoverplane in the atmosphere, causing crashes everywhere. And the main problem being that the pilots have milliseconds to warn their co-pilots, "Look out for those flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles!"

April 14, 3049: Pizza Hut has successfully vanquished the pagan hordes of Domino's Pizza. Piles of corpses of Domino's delivery men rot before the supreme Red Roof, their Ford Festivas rusting in the uncaring sun. Huge Noid statues topple as the triumphant Hut-men hand-toss their new Blood-of-the-Conquered-Lover's Pizza. Crazy garlic bread sticks are dipped in cavatini-red blood in the parking lot as a lascivious feast for those who have prevailed...

An alternate universe: women have finally become equal to men. They, uh, make as much money as men ha ha ha and they ha ha ha even hold ha ha ha the same positions in government ha ha ha and in business HA HA HA HA ha ha HA HA HA. It's a comedy!

(pictured above, remnants from a bloody Donkey Kong gang war on Damen Avenue)