Beards And Glowering

Pictured above, Russell Crowe in 2010, 2014, and 2024 rocks his version of Blue Steel

Even More Improbable Taglines For a Z-List Movie Whose Theatres Drifters Sat In Only To Masturbate In

Yet More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Where's Josh?" "He's gone."

"Then where's Donnie?" "He left, too."

"Gordon?" "Gone."

"Well, shit."

"Any chance we could talk you out of this with a Target gift card?"

"Aw dude, and you say you've been flossing? I don't believe you."

"That's my girl, dog." "I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off!"

"Help!"

"You wanna be equalized? Cuz I got an idea– you're sitting there nursing a gunshot wound to the side, but over here I don't. So how about I do this..." *shoots self in the side* "AUGGHHHH... see... now both of us are shot, see? Now we're equals, tough guy.  You like that?"

Even More Promotional Taglines For A Movie That Never Needed Them

A Burning Question With An Answer

Ever wonder why so many choking posters feature Asian people? Bubble tea.

More Proposed Taglines For A Timeless Cinematic Classic

When A Problem Comes Along, You Must Pathmark / Before the Cream Sets Out Too Long, You Must Pathmark

Mas "Los Avalanchos Sharkos" Taglinos

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An Open Letter To Pinto Beans

Hi Pinto Beans,

I've never written a letter to you before. Not sure why I'm writing now. I guess I just wanted to check in with you, making sure you're okay. We've known each other for decades now, and the truth is, you and I never talk.

And why is that? It's not like we've lost touch with each other. I often see you at Chipotle or at any taco truck in Austin, TX.

Yes, I know you're busy. Both of us are, believe me! But it's good to just touch base and catch up so we don't lose track of each other.

Okay, I'll come clean now. Full disclosure. I was just wondering if you somehow knew "Slumdog Millionaire" actress Freida Pinto. I sure would like to meet her- she's gorgeous.

Can you hook a brother up?

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Vipers, starring Tara Reid

As ordered by the Court in April 2008, the County of Los Angeles mandated that Tara Reid star in the movie "Vipers" to fulfill her 120 hours of community service. Once the film had been completed, Tara was to deliver the film to her probation officer and serve the rest of her sentence at its premiere and DVD release party.

Overall grade: F