Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories To Be Floated by InfoWars

Alex Jones, his toupee, and his group of talented writers are all working on the next batch of news stories conspiracy theories for their listeners. Here are the latest:

• The government is creating a national "postal service" where they will have government agents deliver mail TO YOUR HOME.

• Shrinky Dinks, when baked in the oven, released toxic chemicals into your kitchen to make you vote Democrat

• Taco Bell Cinnamon Crispas weren't a real Mexican dessert item. THEY WERE INVENTED BY PEPSICO

• Our staff did some research after listening to The Boomtown Rats and found out Boomtown does not exist, so those rats lied about where they're from

• In the Highlights Magazine segment "Goofus & Gallant", it turns out GOOFUS was the good guy all along!!!!!

• When you get a cramp in your leg while taking a shit, that's just Jesus saying "wassup" to you

Some Pot Flavor Names You Won't See At Medical Marijuana Dispensaries

"Death Star Kush." "Maui Wowie." "Purple Urkle."

Now that medical marijuana is more widespread in the country, more pot dispensaries are naming their pot flavors "outrageous," "cool," and "edgy" names to grab customers' attention. Here now is a list of names they probably won't use:

• William Rehnquist

• No Workie On Cataracky

• Child Support Up In Smoke

• Doobie Brothers Pubes

• Not Cocaine

• Literally Clumped Up Cilantro

• Lung Raper

• Gary Johnson 2020

• I Support Our New Police State By Smoking This

• Tommy Chong's Eye Boogers

• Killing Me Softly With His Bong    no actually, that one's pretty good

• Silent Flaccidity

Heads up, Joel.

A sudden, minor earthquake rattled the Thomas household today.

Several porcelain dicks were cracked from the tremor, as were Joel's dobro guitar and pink boots. Power was restored within minutes of an outage, so none the frozen dick in Joel's garage freezer were ever in danger. What did not survive, however, was Joel's 14 foot house of cards, which fell almost immediately. Why Joel set it up in the driveway, none of us can know.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough was disappointed to find its prized collection of Grey's Anatomy figurines strewn all about its quarters. It whimpered a bit but felt better once McSteamy and the rare Preston Burke figurines were found intact.

Their above-ground pool filled with goat semen, valued at $4500, was unfortunately destroyed.

(pictured above, Ayana displays a true relic: a portfolio with LAMINATED pieces with FELT backing)