But What If It Isn't A Harmonica?

The brochure for a performance by American Idol's Taylor Hicks in South Orange obviously shows him jamming out on a harmonica. 

But what if that weren't true? What else would that be a photo of? EADJ explores the possibilities:

Scenario 1: Taylor Hicks in the middle of a power ballad gets a massive toothache and cannot finish the part about hardening his heart and swallowing his tears.

Scenario 2: Midsong, Taylor Hicks gets a part of the microphone in his mouth and discovers that it's absolutely DELICIOUS!!!!! He proceeds to devour the microphone and just marvels at how scrumptious every bite is.

Scenario 3: Goofing around in the studio, Taylor Hicks learns that blowing his nose sounds 100% exactly like Kenny G's Selmer Mark VI Soprano saxophone. At his next live performance, he belts out "Songbird" to the lukewarm delight of the crowd.

Scenario 4: People have told Taylor Hicks that he looks exactly like George Clooney, but only if HE COVERS HIS MOUTH. Taylor notices some hot honeys in the front row of his next concert and tries his best to impress him with his George Clooney looks, minus the mouth.

Scenario 5: Taylor Hicks only THINKS he has a harmonica, but it's actually one of those Take 5 candy bars. You see, Taylor has suffered some sort of mild brain aneurysm and is now convinced that Take 5 bars are harmonicas. Play us some more blues, brain damaged Taylor Hicks!

The ProofrEADJer: Finally Getting Warm Edition

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

Previous entries of this amazing segment are here.

Anonymous hacker: "It was only after I got into the NSA's most protected subfolders that all I was downloading was TROUBLE."

Kevin Hart: "No you gotta do it blacker, son."

(Will Ferrell does something very stereotypically black but goofy as a tall caucasian.)

Kevin Hart: "Alright, alright. You'll get it."

Kumiko: "You shitbags better get your cunthooks off my goddamned treasure. I'm talking to both of you bitch-asses. HANDS THE FUCK OFF."

Rob Lowe: "God, you're beautiful when you're twisted."

Young Actress: "What's with the porn glasses? Is this another Direct TV commercial?"

Jean Claude Van Damme: "WHO TOOK MY EARS???!!!"

Ed Harris: "You shut up."

Liam Neeson: "No, you shut up."

Ed Harris: "No, you shut up."

Liam Neeson: "No, I want you to shut up."

Joel Kinnaman: "Guys guys guys..."

Ed Harris & Liam Neeson (to Joel Kinnaman): "SHUT UP!"

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Shave That Shit, Candice.

My wife received a direct mail piece from Victoria's Secret, and the post office's machinery left an unflattering smudge on Candice Swanepoel's upper lip:

If you are reading this, Candice Swanepoel, let me take this opportunity to apologize to you for the incompetence of our government's mail service. I hope this doesn't affect the potential for us to be eventual bowling buddies.

6 Lies Told By the Motown: The Broadway Musical Pamphlet

1) No, it's just a Broadway show.

2) The father of the young actor who plays Michael Jackson is not nearly the controlling, manipulative, abusive sociopath that the real father was is.

3) NYFD officials are happy to have confirmed that the Lunt-Fontaine Theatre has not been set on fire by this production since week two.

4) Less popular musical numbers in the show include "Du Hast" by Rammstein and "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls

5) Let's just say that for this guy, there is a mountain high enough to keep him from getting to her. It's called Mount Erectile Dysfunction.

6) The location of the red square on the map is inaccurate. That marks the spot where Times Square hobos take a dump and/or sell churros.

EADJ is proud to announce the upcoming release of the 6 Lies commemorative plates, available only from The Franklin Mint. Each of the six plates will depict a famous lie told by actress Diane Lane in the 2002 movie "Unfaithful." For only $16.99 each, a new plate will be sent to you for the next six months, along with a sterling silver plate stand. Proudly display all 6 lies in your china cabinet!

You Can Tell A Lot About Pillow Protector's Customers By The Packaging

Audience 1: Old farts who love reading a lot more than they do playing hide the sausage (or walking the dog for that matter).

Audience 2: Unapproachable Asian woman reading Ayn Rand in a double bed. Her husband has left her, and she doesn't care. She is so misunderstood, just like Howard Roark in THE FOUNTAINHEAD!

Audience 3: Wait. Two questions: 1) Claritin makes pillow protectors? 2) Is that Kristine Johnson from Channel 2 News at 5?

Audience 4: Confident blonde sluts who don't have bugs in their coochie, thanks to sprinkling a little baking soda down there.

An Imagined Conversation

"Oh, Casey, it is sooo hot at this construction site!"

"I know, right, Kassy? We're just two hot, sweaty construction workers! Why don't you take off your shirt?"

"Mmmmm! Feels so good on my chest!"

"Yeahhh. Look how the sweat is just beading off your breasts. Mmmm. Now help me hang this dry wall over here."

"Sure. We can hang it, sexylike."

"(purrs) Get that side while I pick up this end!"

"'End!' I see what you did there, bad girl!"

"Yeah! No hold it there by that stud while I get this naughty, naughty nail gun to nail it good."

"You are soooo bad!'

"Aren't I? I just..."

(accidentally pulls nail gun trigger)

"AHHHHH! MY EYE!"

"Omigod! What happened?!"

"YOU JUST SHOT A NAIL INTO MY EYE, YOU BITCH!"

"Wait a minute. Why weren't you wearing eye protection?"

"FUCK YOU, BITCH! I CAN'T SEE! AAAHHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! IT HURTS!"

"You know, eye protection is standard at all construction sites. There's no need to get snippy with me all of a sudden."

"SNIPPY MY EYE, YOU FUCK!!! MY GOD, THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD!!!! HELP ME!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"Wait, are you not wearing your work gloves either? Are you even union?"

Let's Ignore All The Childproof Warning Labels On the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Joel himself, a 3-D image he made on his Mac of himself chopping up dick to eat:

"You cross your eyes to make a third image in the middle."


Doesn't work for me, Dickeater.

1st and Joel. On the Dick Yard Line.

Joel had a yard sale today.

Some of the items sold:

Leaky bean bag chair
86 Hummels
Somebody's polyp in a jar
Mötley Crüe Mirror from a state fair
A dirty 38DD bra
4 Fandango paper sack puppets
Nancy Grace 12" action figure
Green Day "Dookie" album
2-month old Bangladesh baby
various "Just Shoot Me" memorabilia
rickets

Joel counted his money at about 1 pm and found he had made $66.24. That's enough for him to buy at least 4 dicks to eat for dinner! Way to go, Joel!

(pictured above, what I thought was a rerun of a crappy old Sandra Bullock movie turns out to be a trailer for a brand new crappy Sandra Bullock movie)