And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Spot A Fake N95 Mask

The CDC warns that up to 60% of N95 masks on the market are fakes and are not up to federal quality standards. Here's how to tell if a mask sold as an N95 is legitimate:

1) The listing is misspelled or uses poor grammar

2) The seller is listed as "Sexybitch788Suckaz"

3) Real N95 masks always have the manufacturer name, NIOSH (Occupational Safety and Health) written on it, the model and a TC number which is the number issued to the manufacturer from NIOSH.

4) The seller accepts Visa, Mastercard and "back rubs" as payment

And speaking of back rubs, I once drove an older woman in my limo, and she somehow thought that I came with the fare she paid– like she could take advantage of me sexually. I dropped her off at the corner.

Stay safe, kids!

The Most Terrifying Movie Poster I've Seen This Year

LOOK at this terrifying thing. Oh my God. Their eyes are DEAD. DEAD. They both have lifeless marbles instead of where their souls should be. Two doll-headed simulacra from the depths of Hell. AHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

AHHHH!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Summary: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Some Air Travel Pillows Ranked In Ascending Order Of How Much They Make You Look Like An Asshole

The "Stack of Books"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: A low grade of 3. Looks comfy and natural, I guess.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None

The "Sideways Headrest"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: A low 4. Seems to work, but kind of looks like you're listening to a car's rearview mirror.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None, but sort of looks like a communicator.

The "Blue Strangler"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 5. Doesn't help if you look like Casey Anthony.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Whatever this is.

The "Gray Strangler"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 5. Doesn't look stupid, but it doesn't look stylish either. Flight attendants would be ambivalent.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The Phlox.

The "Blind Unibomber"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 6. You look like a sucker who just paid $50 for a basic headrest with a hood.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The black metal Klingons from TNG

The "Collision Crash"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 6. It might work okay, but it looks like someone needs to call a paramedic.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Dead Spock

The "Screaming Into An Elf's Tree"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 7. Those poor elves aren't going to make cookies any faster with you shouting at them like that.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The Glove Plant from TOS

The "Teddy Bear Playing Guess Who"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 7.5. Looks complicated and torturous.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None, but looks kinda like Geordi La Forge.

The "Elephant's Dong"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8. Looks sort of comfy but at the price of looking stupid.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None, but they look like those stupid seatbelts from the recent movies.

The "Shame Lap"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8.1. Look at you, burying your face in that dumb thing. Sleep > shame, I guess.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The flying pancakes from "Operation Annihilate!"

The "Suicide Sling"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8.5. Those bratty kids in 17E are making fun of you as you sleep. And so are rows 16, 15, and 14.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Mizarians

The "Hostage"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8.5. You look like you've already let the terrorists win, you instant victim.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Solanogen-Based Life Forms

The "Wearable Beehive"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 9.5. You do NOT look cool or comfortable. You look like Winnie the Pooh on a bender.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Ferengi

The "Earthworm Jim"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 10. Those holes at the side are for your arms, I think. What it looks like is an oversized planarian worm is sitting in 13A.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Tyvanna

UAG

Spotted In Jersey

Proof you can love rough sex AND Jesus.

Possibly The Worst Idea Ever

"Hello, honey? You know how you sent me to that Victoria's Secret 'Men's Night Out' shopping event to get you something nice and sexy to wear for Valentine's? Well, I went and spent over $60, so I got VIP access to meet two of the hottest supermodels on the planet– Adriana Lima and Doutzen Kroes– and well, long story short, this is Adriana. I told her you could sleep on the fold-a-bed."

EADJ Pun Cops: On the Beat

(Cue "Dragnet" theme song)


The following suspects were rounded up in the last week for various pun infractions, misdemeanors and felonies. All suspects are considered innocent until convicted in a court of pun law.


Suspect: Airport souvenir shop in Albuquerque, NM.
Violation: Type 4 Pun-On-Garment Violation
Verdict: DEATH


Suspect: Ruth Halperin, realtor
Violation: Type 8 Realtor Pun Violation With Intent To Use As Permanent Slogan
Verdict: DEATH


Suspect: Brad J. Lamb, realtor
Violation: Type 3 Visual Pun Violation, Type 8 Realtor Violation Using One's Name As Crux of Pun
Verdict: Let Off With Verbal Warning


Suspect: The New York Daily News
Violation: Type 5 "Groaner"
Verdict: None. Read Article About Fashion Week. Was Pretty Good.


Suspect: USA Network
Violation: Type 6 "Groaner" Tagline Violation, Flagrant Disregard of Capital Letters
Verdict: DEATH


Suspect: Darren Star Productions, HBO Films, IFP Westcoast, and New Line Cinema
Violation: Type 9 "Groaner With Facepalm" Headline Violation, Use of Sarah Jessica Parker, Use of French
Verdict: DEATH

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: Somewhere Tomorrow

This one was a tough decision: Review a pre-Sex and The City S.J.P. in a terrible occult movie or a pre-vaginal Sharon Stone in a terrible romance? I'll go with the Sarah Jessica Parker one. Stay tuned for the full nuts review.


"With the aid of her father's journals, a young woman tries to find out why her friend's spirit hasn't crossed over." Maybe because their friend is IN HELL!!!!! LOOK AT THE PENTAGRAM ON THE DVD ARTWORK!!!!!

Reading Rainbow

A well-meaning PSA ad encouraging people to do more activities with their kids...


...backfires horribly thanks to unfortunate ad placement.

Eating Dick and Naming Joel

"Joel, no. Don't touch that. That's not for you."

"Joel, come here. We're just here to make a deposit at the bank... JOEL. COME HERE. Don't start wandering or we'll never be able to find you."

"Hold my hand, Joel. Joel. Joel. Hold my hand, Joel. No, put that pen down. No, that's not for you, Joel. Joel."

"No, don't put the pen in your mouth, Joel. Joel. It's dirty. No. NO. JOEL. PUT DOWN THE PEN."

"That isn't a pen? What is that, Joel?"

"Put that dick down, Joel. You don't know where it's been. Take that dick out of your mouth THIS MINUTE, Joel. Don't make me tell you twice. JOEL!"

"Take that nice man's dick out of your mouth, Joel. I'm so sorry, sir. He's really not... JOEL. PUT THAT MAN'S DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH."

"JOEL."

"Joel, don't put another dick in your mouth. You just finished that other one."

"Stop it, Joel. Stop fondling the balls. Stop. Stop it right now! Stop teabagging the nice bank manager's balls. NO, JOEL."

"No. Joel. No. No. NO. NO. NO! You're going to ruin your appetite!"

"Do you not want to go to McDonald's after the bank, Joel? I guess you don't if you keep eating dick in the bank. No, you can't cry now. No, Joel. I warned you. I told you not to eat dick. Are you happy now, Joel? This was your doing. I'm very disappointed in you today, so you can cry all you want."

(pictured above, a student product design at Columbia College is inspired by two gophers fucking)