Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's famous stable of unstable writers continue to crank out a remarkable volume of batshit conspiracy theories for him to pollute the airwaves with. Here now are stories that they plan to excrete:

• Nancy Pelosi is actually a Halloween skeleton in a wig remote controlled by George Soros.

• Harvey Weinstein was framed. All those women stormed his shower to gaze at him when he left his hotel room unlocked.

• Covid was originally a Mr. Beast prank that grew out of control

• The American Cancer Society actually injected cancer INTO bottles of Roundup weed killer, turning it into a carcinogen

• There were 16 more seasons of "The X-Files" filmed, but the government got the show canceled after episode plots came too close to reality, especially the lizard people storyline.

Spotted At Target

The 'Orphaned Protagonist' Movie Section

Synopses For Upcoming Episodes of Netflix's "Charlie's Colorforms City"

"Alliances"

The City Council forces Charlie out of the Main Square Planning Committee when they discover his connection with the hired contractors. He plans his revenge. Casey and Darla find boxes of discarded ballots, a week after the mayoral election.

"ad Astra per Aspera"

The assassination of a state senator causes a citywide lockdown. Charlie and his black tar heroin supplier need to find an escape before the police discover their stash. The local school's Color Art Show begins.

"Vengeance"

A series of small time crooks are found stripped and murdered, but luckily Charlie has an alibi when he's locked up for fighting at the Colorforms Blue Casino. Rainbow Johnny ghosts his probation officer again.

The ProofrEADJer: September Edition

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

More Fake Taglines For A Real Movie Whose Premise Shows They Never Took It Seriously In The First Place

So You're Pregnant And Betrayed

The first thing you gotta do is ask yourself, how did I get pregnant and betrayed in the first place? What steps have I taken (or not taken) to leave me vulnerable to this pregnancy/betrayal? Is the man who impregnated me the same one who betrayed me? If I let that person impregnate me, did I not also give unspoken permission for him to betray me as well? These are the questions you should be asking.

Of course, if you kept your legs together/cards close to your vest, you wouldn't be finding yourself knocked up and backstabbed. If you had taken the necessary precautions to keep the wrong man from entering your vagina/circle of trust to avoid propagation/double-dealing, you wouldn't have a bun in the oven and be left holding the bag. 

But what's done is done. There is no reason to be stewing in your hormones/disillusionment and looking at what you could have done differently. All you can do now is pick up your uterus/chin and move forward.

But let this be a lesson to you- be more careful before you let a man conceive a child with you/sell you down the river. Don't let that man's sperm fertilize your egg/double-cross you. Here's a rule of thumb: don't let the guy who fucked you fuck you. Fuck you.

Any mother can be an idiot. And obviously any idiot can be a mother.

Female Hormones and Their Effect On Craftmaking

Delusional behavior sometimes happens to women during pregnancy. The process of bringing life to the world is often accompanied by unexpected complications and imbalance. The woman goes through a series of physical and hormonal changes during this period which are often accompanied by erratic behavior and the desire to make a mold of their distended abdomen for craft purposes. This tendency is known as "belly casting,' and often occurs in towns that have one of those "paint your own pottery on a really shitty date" places.

Many women experience belly casting during menstrual periods, but the intensity of belly casting during pregnancy and its implications are far greater. The remedies for these attacks are simple, and if applied at the right time in the right way, they can fend off regrettable damage to the mother's and child's home decor.

The causes of belly casting during pregnancy are numerous. The feeling of insecurity and the fear of unknown pains and procedures grip the mind of the women on most of the occasions; moreover, the hormonal changes occur at a very fast pace. Medicine also causes side effects, and as result, the level of taste of a pregnant woman becomes very compromised. How else can a household explain having a misshapen multi-colored papier-mâché eyesore with "Colton" written on it on the dining room table?

The first and the most basic way to treat potential belly casting is to remove all yarn, craft scissors, glitter blue and googly eyes from your pregnant wife's sight. Secondly, the woman should be provided with proper activities like doing hard drugs to prevent any possible craftmaking or scrapbooking. Amen.