"The First Time You Marry For Love,The Second For Money, And The Third For Pathmark."

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: My Boys Are Good Boys

As part of a double featured DVD of Ida Lupino movies (????), My Boys Are Good Boys crosses the teenage energy of All The Kind Strangers with the heist/scam action of Shell Game, creating a hybrid Crappinema feature that almost guarantees to take a poop in your mouth.


Or maybe it's just a very subversive title about Ida Lupino's boobs.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Happy The Littlest Bunny

Oof. A bad movie is one thing. A bad children's movie that tries to teach you a lesson is an entirely new ball of suck. And after watching this cheaply-animated romp through lesson-land, I'm not even sure exactly what the moral of it all is.







The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Happy: It isn't fair mama! I eat my turnips every day, And still I'm the littlest bunny in the woods!

Mama Bunny: Now, Happy. There's more to life than being a big bunny.

Happy: Like what?

Mama Bunny: Well, like being honest, and having a big heart. If you keep your heart full of love and kindness, it doesn't matter what size your body is. You will be bigger than all the rest.

Happy: It will?

Mama Bunny: In a very special way, yes.

Happy: But, Mosey and Patch– they're always teasing me. I hate being teased.

Mama Bunny: I know, dear. But if you don't react to their teasing, then you'll be bigger than either of them, in spirit.

Happy: I'd rather be bigger than them in body.

Mama Bunny: Sometimes growth happens on the inside before it happens on the outside, Happy.

Happy: Being a littlest bunny stinks! My whole life stinks!

Mama Bunny: (shocked) Happy!

Happy: Well, it does! I'm always being picked on! And not just my brothers, either. Everybody on the woods is picking on me, just 'cause I'm so small!

Mama Bunny: Chicky doesn't pick on you.

Happy: Mama! Chicky is a chipmunk! He's just about the only animal in the woods that isn't bigger than me!

Mama Bunny: Is there anything I can do to make you feel better, Happy?

Happy: Figure out a way to change me from the littlest bunny into the biggest bunny.

(Mama Bunny shakes her head)


















The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Farmer Bellows: There! Maybe if I leave you some food, you'll stop raiding my garden.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

Farmer Bellows: Tell your friends I'll bring fresh vegetables out here for all of you every day until the harvest is over.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

Farmer Bellows: And on until winter, too. Well, eat well, my little friends, eat well.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

(Farmer Bellows leaves the garden. The bunnies still don't react. Because they're bunnies for crying out loud.)






The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Mama: You are going to have some very serious consequences to your actions, young bunny.

"Scrappy": Yes ma'am, I kind of figured as much.

Mama: Good. You and Chicky will have to pay back the field mice every morsel you stole from them, and then some.


"Scrappy": Yes ma'am. We will.

Mama: And you're going to have to stop stealing from Farmer Bellow's garden.


"Scrappy": I will, don't worry. And I'll make sure nobody steals from him, either. Even if I have to stand guard myself!

Mama: Good. And I think you owe your brothers a big apology.

"Scrappy": Yes, ma'am, I sure do.


"Scrappy": I'm sorry, Patch. sorry, Moosie.


Moosie: Ah, that's okay, Scrappy. If it wasn't for me and Moosie teasing you all the time, this wouldn't ever happened.

Mama: I certainly hope you learned something about being big, Scrappy Rabbit.


"Scrappy": Oh, I did, Mama, I did. There's just one thing.

Mama: What is it?


"Scrappy": I don't want to be Scrappy Rabbit anymore. Will you start calling me Happy Rabbit again?

Mama: Well, well. It looks like the littlest bunny is finally growing up.

(Scooby and the gang then burst out in laughter)



So Happy's brothers were never in any danger. In fact, their vandalizing Farmer Bellow's garden prompted him to start sharing more with the animals. So what was the lesson to learn from all this? That becoming a violent asshole will make you a big shot, and eventually it will get you into trouble but that will somehow fix itself and reward everyone around you, so it was all worth it. Kind of like the end result of "Shaft."

From Dust To Dawn

(pictured above, a homophobic clean freak delivers some vigilante justice)

Back in the Saddle. Or Feedbag.

Returning to form, Joel racked up a staggering 4,530 dicks in one day today, chowing down such a copious amount of dick that it affected the tides.

Joel put on his dick-eating bib at 5am this morning, tore out of his one bedroom flat and gave a shrill war cry/mating call that rivaled the howls of a hyena giving ectopic birth. The amount of eaten dick lying in his wake on La Cienega Ave made it look like an aircraft carrier full of dicks collided with a dirigible full of dicks over a supercollider full of dicks on the lip of a volcano erupting with dicks.

Joel has now joined the leaderboard of dick eaters for today's round, bumping Phil Mickelson and Vijay Singh from the 3rd and 4th place slots, and finishing 4 strokes ahead of Sabbatini.

By 4pm, Joel had blazed through so much dick that he had to pause briefly to build a scrapbook about the morning to document the achievement. He stopped by JoAnn Fabrics to get glitter yarn, puffy stickers, and dick-shaped stencils to build the 28 pages of dick-eating memories. Also googly eyes.

(pictured above, ESPN makes a racist Wesley Snipes joke)