"Whoa!"

I somehow came across this Hallmark movie: Socked In For Christmas, starring Joey Lawrence:

What the hell is "socked in"? Is that a stocking pun? Is it something I should look up in Urban Dictionary (answer: NO)? I had to look it up:

Oh, okay. I also found out the producers of the movie gave it an alternate title for slow people unfamiliar with WWII lingo like me:

Snow-In makes a little more sense, although it still sounds like a telethon. IMDb says it stars and was written by someone named Melina Alves. I don't know who that is, so I googled it, and THIS came up:

WHOA! INDEED

5 Surprises From The Hallmark Channel 'Fall-In-Love' Movie "Pumpkin Everything"

1) The fat guy with the beard wearing red was NOT Santa Claus in disguise

2) The male lead had an pumpkin-orange dong

3) The phrase "Pumpkin Everything" was a euphemism for sexual intercourse with every orifice

4) Everybody dies in the end, like in Hamlet

5) It's hard to tell but almost every actor in this production was actually a Target mannequin wearing a sweater

Slow Down, Lacey Chabert

I happened to Google "Lacey Chabert" and "Christmas" to see how many Hallmark Christmas movies she's in, and holy shit, I had no idea she was in at least TWELVE.

Jesus, Lacey, slow your roll. Leave some of the Christmas movies for other...

... What the hell? There's more?! How can you...

...OKAY, OKAY! You win, Lacey Chabert! You're the new Queen of Christmas. JEEZ.

Hallmarked For Death

If all the Hallmark movies and shows are connected by the Hallmark Cinematic Universe (HCU), based on their two types of programming, that means all romantic relationships either end up happily ever after or one of them murders the other and hides their remains under a spooky rustic shack over by the coal mine.

The Most Terrifying Movie Poster I've Seen This Year

LOOK at this terrifying thing. Oh my God. Their eyes are DEAD. DEAD. They both have lifeless marbles instead of where their souls should be. Two doll-headed simulacra from the depths of Hell. AHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

AHHHH!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Summary: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 15: "A Christmas Cure"

Romance Factor: 4 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 7 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:24:25

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 14: "Christmas Everlasting"

I know, I know what you're thinking. Tatyana Ali again?! Yes, this is the first time EADJ has featured the same actor twice in one year, and it's for 2 main reasons: 1) we're sick of happy smiling white people and 2) this one is a weeper, which is a nice break from the rom/com bullshit.

"Christmas Everlasting" is the story of New York lawyer Lucy who returns to her small hometown to take care of her late sister's affairs, only to discover the impact she had had on the townsfolk. Also, she finds out her sister had had a baby in college and had since put it up for adoption.

The title "Christmas Everlasting" doesn't really describe the movie all that well. Here are a few alternative titles:

Romance Factor: 2 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 2 out of 10

Overall Rating: 2 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:27:41