This Is Real.

Spotted in a safety insert on a United flight:

United asks only Gen X dads to keep their safety belt on at all times.

"It's cool! No one will ever notice!"

The Consumer Electronics Show 2020: What To Expect

The Consumer Technology Association's Consumer Electronics Show, or CES, is almost here, and people are wondering what new consumer gadgets and technology to expect this year. Here is an exclusive sneak peek at what you can look forward to at CES 2020:

• Electronic gourd holders

• Branded babies

• A new phone with a touchscreen that uh, does something new?

• Wireless racism

• Sex toys that our dipshit CES organizers won't get all prudish about

• 3D food printer that can cook lousy like your mom oh snap

• lifelike Tipper Gore android welcomes you

• Discussion of quantum computing by underqualified PR executives

• Shitty salad bar

• Maglev coffins for futuristic mortuaries

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Appeal of Samurai Jack

"Well... gah... even though the series... ah... has stopped airing on the Cartoon Network since August of last year... ah ah... uh... the solid writing combined with... AUGH.... CAN'T... BREATHE... the distinctive art and animation has created... gah... an amazing world with lots of interesting characters... aw man... and great fight scenes... SHIT... ahh... uhh... but the show isn't quite canceled yet... ah... there's supposed to be a 5th season coming soo..." *dies*

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

You don't have to wait until the next broadcast to hear what Alex Jones and his team of writers have for you racist gullible types. Here now is a sneak peek of the outlandish connections and unverified clamshit that they'll try to pass off as news:

• Hidden Valley Ranch is a black-ops CIA operation where they grind Bibles and orphans' bones down into dust for spices and flavor.

• When you masturbate, the Obama-run IRS automatically downloads 30% of your dirty thoughts and posts them as "hentai" on reddit.

• Kirby Puckett was a German spy in cahoots with Suze Orman and the Muppets' Dr. Bunsen Honeydew to undermine American pride by having people spell words like "cheque," "flavour," and "colour" the English way.

• He-Man used to be totally gay for Skeletor, but thanks to conversion therapy, he's totally into She-Ra and hits that every night (high five).

• The big six Hollywood Jewish studios have rejected Alex Jones's screenplay about a heroic radio DJ who's pursued by hairy liberal women and scary black people because they're afraid that it's *JUST TOO GOOD.*

• Mexico has secretly agreed to pay for the border wall, but only if they're treated to a special impromtu concert with a supergroup consisting of Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Mike Huckabee on bass and Kanye West.

• Melania has fallen in love with the president's animatronic robot in Disney World's Hall of Presidents and flies to Florida every weekend to be felt up by its metal hands.

• The Deep State liberals are poisoning young Christian minds with verified facts, statistics, context and an invitation to critical thinking in an insidious information delivery system once known as "books."

The ProofrEADJer: Midsummer Night's Edition

The ProofrEADJer, Mid-September Edition

Not A New Regular Segment: The EADJ Children's Book Korner

Today we review the children's book "Drive That Truck," a brazen, cynical move by Tonka to sell more plastic trucks and bulldozers. The artwork is subpar. The story is nonexistent. But the characters are more fleshed out than any Nicolas Sparks novel. Boom!

Overall grade: F

What The "Plus" Means In Many Instances

Ultra Plus

"Plus" = anything that regular Ultra doesn't offer, which is pretty ridiculous since "Ultra" should mean you get a lot already. Which means plain Ultra is just a fucking ripoff.

Ensure Plus

"Plus" = pink diarrhea!

Boost Plus

"Plus" =  also pink diarrhea!

Fiber Plus

"Plus" = a yard-long turd

Backup Plus

"Plus" = why are all these about poop?

Officejet Pro 8600 Plus

"Plus" = four color cartridges that run out of ink after printing one resume.

Discount Food Store Plus

"Plus" = an impressive entire aisle devoted to do-rags.

K&S Curtains Plus

"Plus" = The drapes. Which should match the curtains. Wink wink.

Frontline Plus for dogs

"Plus" = an irrational fear that you're going to drive them to "the farm."

Star Alliance Business Class Elite Plus

"Plus" = You get to board 3 minutes before the other schlubs.

Das Gesunde Plus

"Plus" = "scabies," but in German.

Skim Plus

"Plus" = fat. Which means Skim Plus is just regular milk.

Playmobil Special Plus

"Plus" =  The lingering uncertainty that your child might be choking on a plastic flamingo.

Cal Stat Plus

"Plus" = Raccoon rabies. Which is different from scabies in that it doesn't affect your skin as much as it makes you go completely batshit insane and rummage through your neighbors' trash cans looking for a fish bone.

WeTransfer Plus

"Plus" = $5 to keep us from sharing your personal information to a marketing group in Saudi Arabia.

Literate Book Corner: EADJ Reviews "Pregnancy And Work" by Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick

There's a free book library at the train station in my hometown, so EADJ decided to review this book found on the rack this week: "Pregnancy & Work" by Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick. It's a straight-talking guide for women to plan and enjoy a working pregnancy.

Here are some of the top tips this book gives to working mothers-to-be. (Keep in mind that this was published in 1984)

• Pregnant women can experience poor circulation of the legs. Try to avoid restrictive clothing at work like leg warmers, parachute pants or stretch stirrup pants. (Page 33)

• If "Sunglasses At Night" by Corey Hart starts playing on the work radio, try not to get so excited that your water breaks. (Page 45)

• Whether you're a secretary, a stewardess or a woman lawyer, you should know your legal rights. Don't let any of your boss men fire you just because you're pregnant. (Page 77)

• If you start having contractions at work and need to take a taxi to the hospital, use your enormous shoulder pads to rest your sweaty head. (Page 78)

• Avoid dangerous inhalants at work. Instead of copy machine toner, use carbon paper, Mimeograph or a Thermofax to make copies. (Page 81)

• To protect your unborn baby from massive radiation, try to avoid riding in any cars with a car phone installed. (Page 90)

• If you happen to work as a bouncer named Dalton in a road house that has gotten too rowdy and rough, clean things up by confronting the town's bully and rich person Tilghman... Oh the movie "Road House" didn't come out until 1989? Shit, there goes that joke. (Page 93)

• If giving birth at the office, go ahead and deliver it on top of the copy machine. That way you can document how the baby comes out. (Page 96)

• Avoid lifting heavy objects like cellular phones, "keytars," or computer monitors. (Page 99)

• If the pressures of work stress and your pregnancy start to make you panic, just relax knowing that in 28 years, a terrific James Bond movie named "Skyfall" will have been released. (Page 103)

• If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, time after time. If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time (Track 4)

• Being pregnant doesn't mean you have to slow down- wear Charlie cologne spray to show those men who's really in charge here! (Advertisement on page 108)

• One of the most inconsiderate things you can do to your co-workers is leave placenta all over the break room. Tidy up afterwards, people! (Page 118)