The ProofrEADJer: End of May Edition

Self Portrait of the Path As a Young Mark

Upcoming Easter = Random Pink Containers

DISASTER HAS STRUCK

You  know how we always brag about never missing a single weekday entry in EADJ's six year history, including holidays?

Well, we finally missed one: Memorial Day. Monday, May 28, 2012. Shit.

Not to make excuses, but this reporter had to go into work that day because some shithead scheduled a new business pitch on that Tuesday. So instead of relaxing and throwing in a lazy blog entry (most likely an Ugly Andrew Gall), I was working from 10am-11pm on some shitty presentation, and it never crossed my mind to post something. Anything.

THANKS, WORK, FOR FUCKING UP OUR PERFECT RECORD.

Viva La Revolucioracist Appliances!

The Difference Between A Still Shot and A Video

Shot at the Maplewood train station, a tranquil composition of light, texture, and stillness:


Now, when you shoot the same thing on video, you capture snowfall movement but also the unending blabbing of some Russian woman on her cell phone:


Shut up. Shut UP. Shut up! SHUT UP!!!!

How Not To Make A State Tourism Ad

If you ever browse through a travel or airline magazine these days, you're bound to see a tourism ad for some random state in the continental U.S. Whether it's nestled in the majestic Appalachian Mountain range or spread out over the bejeweled southwest desert sands, it's probably a state that you hadn't thought of visiting before.

The problem is, even as distinctive as a lot of these states are, their tourism ads are always the same: shitty, stilted stock photos of the same crap every other tourism ad shows. Today, EADJ examines the ingredients that make up a typical tourism ad.

Okay, so here is ad X from an American Airlines in-flight magazine. We pinked out the city and state names so you couldn't call the governor's office and make fun. Notice how the diarrhea orange/brown background color complements and even highlights the unretouched skintones. And the generic photography has been compartmentalized into a neat Bento Box, which is totally American. (Also, sorry about the pube at the top of the page. It was on the scanner.)

(click to enlarge)

Ingredient 1: Generic shopping shot. To show there's boutique-y high-end shopping. Make the shot dynamic with some brand names in the crop. Or not.


Ingredient 2) Them out-of-towners like that fancy nouveau cuisine shit. So a blurry shot of some crap piled up on a tiny plate.


Ingredient 3) Feature our terrifically popular local sports team by showing a roaring crowd at a game!


Ingredient 4) Nightlife. We need nightlife. What does that mean? Beats the hell out of me. Show the shopping area at night?


Ingredient 5) Oh, yeah. We need to feature the natural beauty of the surroundings. We don't really have a geiser or a canyon. Show the lake. Yeah, the one from the crime scene. But put a classy gold frame on it, like from Olan Mills.


Ingredient 6) Booze. Show a bunch of people yakking it up at one of our bars. But not our redneck bars, because that will scare away people. Come to think of it, none of our local bars are presentable for the ad– they all have dead animals on the walls or old men crying. Hell, just show yuppies drinking at the bar at the Hyatt. And throw some colored people in there while you're at it.


Mix in all the ingredients, and you've got yourself a bonafide tourism ad for your shitty flyover state! Now, turn 'round those "OPEN" signs and be ready to accommodate all those travelers who had no choice but to pull over for the night!

Touching base with our fanbase

There have been some mutterings that the content of this blog has drifted away from its main goal– covering Joel eating dick– to content of a more scatological nature.

Yeah, maybe. But we've found that it's the palate-clearing mints of the poo poo and pee pee stuff that makes the Joel-choking-down-cock thing more delicious.

Like, seriously, do you really want to read DAILY entries about how much dick Joel actually eats? You do? Oh, okay. We'll try to do more, then.

Like just yesterday, Joel helped hold the ladder for the contractors roofing his apartment complex because it allowed him to eat all their dicks as they went up and came down. The fact that some of the dicks he ate were from illegal immigrants casts a slight brown shadow on the proceedings, but still, free dick!

(pictured above, fuck that noise)

Reaffirming Our Mission Statement

There have been rumblings in the EADJ Mail Sack about this blog's alleged recent lack of focus. One writer says, "Who gives a shit about some dude that looks like someone else who works here?" Another emailer grouses, "What is your problem? Why don't you leave those poor (planners) alone?"

Well, Brad and Ranee, EADJ admits that we've diversified our coverage. We've found other things to harp on and point out and drive into the fucking ground because it would probably make Lee Gonzales mad (which then renders it funny). But first and foremost, Eat a Dick Joel prides itself as the ONLY BLOG devoted to covering the dick-eating hijinx, shenanigans and madcap dick-consuming misadventures that Joel gets himself into. We think we've covered Joel's dick eating career pretty extensively so far- the 3 Hearst Journalism Awards on the mantel agree. So it's no big deal if we choose to add new features like "In the Nude with Joe Nudelman" or the Suzemily Players or "What Makes Louis Slotkin Flinch?" Not only does it add diversity to our extensive coverage, it brings in a new audience, like Furries or sufferers of lupus.

So we think we've been doing a pretty darn tootin' good job so far. You haters can hate, and you Joel- yes- you, Joel can eat a dick. So say we all.

(pictured above, The Glitter Band from 1978 Sweden seem to think so, too.)

Photographic Proof.

From day one, we at EADJ have prided ourselves on staying true to our Mission Statement: to bring you the latest news on dick being eaten by Joel. But sometimes other news is so urgent that Joel's escapades with dick must be put on temporarily on hold. Such is the case with a photo taken yesterday at 12:49pm in the 225 North Michigan tunnels:

AN ACTUAL PHOTO taken of the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson.

As you can see, he is definitely fatter. That gut must be at least a 42 inch waist. And look at those tits. Scott doesn't have tits.
Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) has seen this photo, however blurry, and has confirmed that this is indeed the SFVOSP.

Local authorities have been put on alert, and Scott Peterson has been notified. Shown the photo, Scott chuckled, but then sat in uncomfortable silence, wondering when this joke was going to end.