The Saddest EADJ Off-Brand TP Roundup Ever.

Why sad? Because it's only one entry. The lockdown and the fact that we haven't found unique generic toilet paper to make fun of are major reasons for this situation. Oh well.

OFF BRAND TP: Mayfair

DESIGN CUES: An uninspired, limp swoosh that looks like it doesn't want to be there.

FEELS LIKE: Pulling a rusty cheese grater out of your anus

It's Time Again To Play Which Can, Erickson?

Match the location names to the toilets pictured above. To make it easier, we paired each toilet with a K-Pop band name, so if you know your K-Pop, this should be a breeze:

1. Public Market, Emeryville, CA -- Girls Generation

2. Brigs Great Beginnings Restaurant, Raleigh, NC -- BLACKPINK

3. Arlenes Grocery, NYC -- H.O.T.

4. Jerry's Subs, Lanham, MD -- TWICE

5. Point Pleasant Aquarium, Point Pleasant, NJ -- BTS

6. Farm Center of Kensington , Milford, MI -- MONSTA X

Answers will be revealed tomorrow!

It's Time To Play 'Which Can, Erickson?' 2021

Forgot how to play this game? That's okay–it's been a while.

Match the toilet to the location below, indicated by the type of specialty pastry:

A. Timber Cove, Jenner, California -- Bahulu

B. Replay Arcade and Bar, Chicago -- Bierock

C. Mellow Mushroom, Wake Forest, NC -- Briouat

D. Detroit Zoo -- Baklava

E. The Breslin, NYC -- Buko Pie

F. Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum, Farmington Hills, MI --Bundevara

The answers tomorrow!

Another EADJ Off-Brand T.P. Round-Up

Lord. How many of these have we had? Don't answer that.

Brand: Rensow Bath Tissue

Brand Imagery: Piss Yellow Label with Ugly Blue Swoosh

Brand Promise: A light swab at your nethers

Feels Like: Straddling a giant Q-Tip made of steel wool

Brand: Prime Select

Brand Imagery: A hurricane symbol?

Brand Promise: A swift, airy cleaning

Feels Like: Pointing a leaf blower at your anus

Brand: Classic

Brand Imagery: Pink abstract decorative swashes

Brand Promise: Softness and class

Feels Like: Wiping your asshole's tears at a rest stop 

Brand: Blank

Brand Imagery: None

Brand Promise: None

Feels Like: A hostage exchange on paper

Brand: Genuine Joe

Brand Imagery: White stripes on a blue band

Brand Promise: Efficiency, and nothing more

Feels Like: Joe hates your ass

IM Fun

My cousin Melissa tells me the story of how my Mom decided on her house:

Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Brighton Professional

Brand Imagery: A swirling, gaping black asshole

Brand Promise: It's over before you know it

Feels Like: A Dremel tool on the basement door

Brand: MONOGRAM

Brand Imagery: Nothing except a blue bar

Brand Promise: A personalized approach

Feels Like: Hiding pine cones in your ass for later

Brand: CINTAS Signature Series

Brand Imagery: Elegant green S's

Brand Promise: A limited edition, special invitation-only event

Feels Like: A public, anonymous free-for-all on your butthole

Brand: Unnamed

Brand Imagery: A giraffe's hide?

Brand Promise: Like wiping with a giraffe?

Feels Like: Wiping with a giraffe

Brand: Unnamed

Brand Imagery: What looks like an arrowhead? Or a Star Destroyer from Star Wars? Or Superman sitting in a top?

Brand Promise: Sharp-edged object coming your way

Feels Like: Driving a knife where you shouldn't

The Noble Gas Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

How'd you do?

1 correct: Keep your job at Toys Я Us

2 correct: You're not the fastest lathe in the workshop

3 correct: You can leave the house, but only with your sister

4 correct: Bragging rights if you're not embarrassed about being good at this

5 correct: That's impossible. How'd you do that?!

6 correct: You're either lucky or you looked over my shoulder when I made this

It's Somehow Time Once Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

Match the unknown toilets above with their respective location below, indicated by noble gas:

HELIUM: Broadway Comedy Club, NYC

NEON: Purple Parrot Grill, Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

ARGON: Holy Cross Hospital, Silver Spring, MD

KRYPTON: Pavilion Arcade, Point Pleasant, NJ

XENON: The Green Mill, Chicago

RADON: Legoland, Detroit

Did you know? Noble gases have a full outer electron shell which makes these elements non-reactive.

Answers will appear tomorrow!

I Can't Believe We Have Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Keep It Green

Brand Imagery: Butterflies and leaves over grass or some shit

Brand Promise: An all-natural bathroom experience

Feels Like: Wiping with a scout badge

Brand: Slurpass* Surpass* Facial Tissue

Brand Imagery: A black oval, some beige leaves, and the brand name accompanied by an asterisk asshole

Brand Promise: Like nothing you've ever used before

Feels Like: Like nothing you've ever used before– like a radioactive cactus on fire

Brand: North River

Brand Imagery: What looks like the Led Zeppelin Zoso Symbols

Brand Promise: "A Stairway To Heaven"

Feels Like: "Trampled Under Foot"

Brand: Green Heritage

Brand Imagery: Leaves, leaves leaves.

Brand Promise: A feeling like being set adrift on a raft of billowing leaves

Feels Like: Sasquatch going in dry

Brand: Mont Royal

Brand Imagery: A fancy cursive name in royal blue

Brand Promise: A regal time on "the throne"

Feels Like: A violent revolt (with torches) in the central valley

Brand: Soft Touch

Brand Imagery: Rounded cursive letters over a soothing blue background

Brand Promise: "We won't hurt you..."

Feels Like: "...much."

The Off-Brand TP Roundup: The Trump Era

Brand: Keep It Green

Brand Imagery: Green swirls, green lettering, and a green butterfly

Brand Promise: The earth won't die if you shit with this

Feels Like: Whatever you're wiping with has already biodegraded into mulch

Brand: Ocean Drive 2 Ply

Brand Imagery: An oval badge showing a road winding around a tidal wave into a sunset

Brand Promise: The promise of a fun road trip away from wet disaster

Feels Like: Very thin, sun-baked asphalt in roll form

Brand: Silky Soft

Brand Imagery: Periwinkle mosaic tiles and a SUDOKU(????!!!!)

Brand Promise: This brand sounds like a rapper that will soothe you with his rhymes

Feels Like: Riding an untamed horse with a burlap saddle through a thorn bush

Brand: TOILET TISSUE

Brand Imagery: Black and green argyle, white space

Brand Promise: This will technically count as toilet tissue

Feels Like: The very minimal that the government can approve as 2-ply. Gitmo ready.

Brand: White Swan

Brand Imagery: An S-shaped swan. Piss yellow flower background

Brand Promise: A soft-as-down pooping experience

Feels Like: Angry miniature geese and swans biting your balls and anus.

Brand: RETOIN? RETAIN?

Brand Imagery: Confusing recycling logo in the middle of the name. An inexplicable Nintendo logo

Brand Promise: "Why are you reading the label? Shit already!"

Feels Like: The paper-to-ass equivalent of the Kids Bop Kids version of your favorite song

Amazingly, Somehow Yet Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Marcela Pro Snow Lily

Brand Imagery: Big pink maxi pad (or a pink wooden clog?) floating on a pink sea

Brand Promise: Virtually LINT FREE

Feels Like: Wiping your ass with paper that's just as strong as clothesdryer lint

Brand: Either "b" or "q." I can't tell.

Brand Imagery: a tiny blue tsunami curling on itself

Brand Promise: None

Feels Like: running a taxidermied marlin's dorsal fin between your butt cheeks

Brand: Carefree Choice Series

Brand Imagery: A leaf

Brand Promise: Feels like a leaf

Feels Like: A leaf

Brand: Boardwalk

Brand Imagery: A plain, unfriendly red and blue rectangle

Brand Promise: You will be taken to a refreshing walk along the Jersey Shore

Feels Like: Steve Buscemi shaking you down for all your struggling shop's money

Brand: Roses

Brand Imagery: Grey and pink lettering. Plus a grey rose.

Brand Promise: "Your ass will remember me."

Feels Like: Your butthole is the latest "Bachelorette," and all the suitors are wearing sandpaper tuxes.

The Off-Brand TP Round-Up, 2016 Edition

See 2015's entry here.

Brand: Millennium Mor-Soft M600

Brand Imagery: A stylized letter M that looks like a brown lady's nether-parts

Brand Promise: It is "more soft." But more soft than what? Gravel?

Feels Like: Setting off an M80 in your arse.

Brand: Certo

Brand Imagery: Either stackable cups, a worm or an uncircumcised green penis

Brand Promise: Unknown. "We're certain your ass will be clean?"

Feels Like: Having your anus booed at by apes

Brand: Medline

Brand Imagery: What looks like a spinning top logo. Very sharp and pointy. The name "Medline" sounds like it's going to give you a bloody bunghole.

Brand Promise: PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS IN TOILET

Feels Like: Sitting on a weaver's spinning, dry spindle

Brand: Monogram

Brand Imagery: Boring blue stripe. Boring logo.

Brand Promise: You will not notice us. We are average.

Feels Like: A stealth fighter's exhaust burning your bum.

Brand: Chalet

Brand Imagery: Downton Abbey

Brand Promise: A more proper, civilized way to wipe your filthy asshole.

Feels Like: Two gnarled twigs playing polo between your cheeks

You Are So Full Of Shit, Q-Tip

Hey Q-Tip, everybody knows the main use for your product is to clean your ears, and I realize you probably have plenty of legal reasons why you shouldn't encourage inserting your product into the ear canal, but come on, man. You're not fooling anybody with your "Variety Of Uses" section on your packaging. Get real, Q-Tip.

A "Variety Of Uses:" Either insert in your left ear OR your right ear! Dealer's choice!

If you're not using your finger to apply your eyebrow ointments (????!!!???!!???!!!!????) you really should take off the flowery dress and try it. Live a little, you raging pussy.

Show me a computer geek who cleans pubes and dried skin from his keyboard with a Q-Tip, and I will show you a fictional character from a Q-Tip Cotton Swab training video.

See, you can't legally show the Q-Tip entering the little brat's nostril, although everyone knows that's what you use it for, right? And this photo was taken .358 milliseconds before the baby flinched and said, "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?"

Perfect for guys pledging Sig Ep tasked with cleaning the house shower. Scrub that grout, worm! 

The Anthropomorphic Nightmare Continues

A few weeks ago, we spotted a tooth that had teeth. Disturbing.

Today, in a Manhattan deli bathroom (don't ask) we spotted a soap dispenser holding hands with a drop of water and a hand. 

Did you catch that? A HAND that has HANDS.

WHAT THE FUCK FRANKIE I WANT TO GO HOME

Which Can, Erickson? Supreme Court Edition

Match the following toilets (with accompanying Supreme Court Justices) to their respective locations. The background, political leanings and ethnic background of the justices are not relevant to the answers.

1. Essex County Courthouse, Newark, NJ

2. Hidden Hand Tattoo, Fremont, WA

3. The Please Touch Museum, Philadelphia

4. The Berghoff, Chicago

5. Sushi Roku, Los Angeles

6. Props For Today, New York

Full answers tomorrow.

Answers To Yesterday's Which Can, Erickson? Marvel's Avengers Edition

Click to enlarge: