More Fake Taglines For A Real (Terrible) Movie

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

You don't have to wait until the next broadcast to hear what Alex Jones and his team of writers have for you racist gullible types. Here now is a sneak peek of the outlandish connections and unverified clamshit that they'll try to pass off as news:

• Hidden Valley Ranch is a black-ops CIA operation where they grind Bibles and orphans' bones down into dust for spices and flavor.

• When you masturbate, the Obama-run IRS automatically downloads 30% of your dirty thoughts and posts them as "hentai" on reddit.

• Kirby Puckett was a German spy in cahoots with Suze Orman and the Muppets' Dr. Bunsen Honeydew to undermine American pride by having people spell words like "cheque," "flavour," and "colour" the English way.

• He-Man used to be totally gay for Skeletor, but thanks to conversion therapy, he's totally into She-Ra and hits that every night (high five).

• The big six Hollywood Jewish studios have rejected Alex Jones's screenplay about a heroic radio DJ who's pursued by hairy liberal women and scary black people because they're afraid that it's *JUST TOO GOOD.*

• Mexico has secretly agreed to pay for the border wall, but only if they're treated to a special impromtu concert with a supergroup consisting of Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Mike Huckabee on bass and Kanye West.

• Melania has fallen in love with the president's animatronic robot in Disney World's Hall of Presidents and flies to Florida every weekend to be felt up by its metal hands.

• The Deep State liberals are poisoning young Christian minds with verified facts, statistics, context and an invitation to critical thinking in an insidious information delivery system once known as "books."

Amazingly, Somehow Yet Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Marcela Pro Snow Lily

Brand Imagery: Big pink maxi pad (or a pink wooden clog?) floating on a pink sea

Brand Promise: Virtually LINT FREE

Feels Like: Wiping your ass with paper that's just as strong as clothesdryer lint

Brand: Either "b" or "q." I can't tell.

Brand Imagery: a tiny blue tsunami curling on itself

Brand Promise: None

Feels Like: running a taxidermied marlin's dorsal fin between your butt cheeks

Brand: Carefree Choice Series

Brand Imagery: A leaf

Brand Promise: Feels like a leaf

Feels Like: A leaf

Brand: Boardwalk

Brand Imagery: A plain, unfriendly red and blue rectangle

Brand Promise: You will be taken to a refreshing walk along the Jersey Shore

Feels Like: Steve Buscemi shaking you down for all your struggling shop's money

Brand: Roses

Brand Imagery: Grey and pink lettering. Plus a grey rose.

Brand Promise: "Your ass will remember me."

Feels Like: Your butthole is the latest "Bachelorette," and all the suitors are wearing sandpaper tuxes.

Pathmark Pathmark Have You Any Wool

What Morgan Freeman's Disembodied Heads Were Thinking In All Those Movie Posters

Editor's Note: Feel free to read all of these with Morgan Freeman's voice in mind. Not like you have a choice.

"So she's related to those country music Judds. Why isn't she in the group, too? I wonder if she's acting because she can't sing..."

"These pen-lights that they're shining on our faces is basically the most light I've seen shooting this dang film."

"Can spider's bite through beards? Hope not."

"An action/disaster film starring Christian Slater? The joke's on you, viewing public!"

"Maybe if I can get her to hum a few bars of something, I could tell if she's off pitch or the like."

"This is one fucked up version of 'The Brady Bunch' opening credits."

"Glasses. They don't make me look distinguished. They make me look like I've falling asleep reading Parade Magazine. Come on, now."