IM Fun

My cousin Melissa tells me the story of how my Mom decided on her house:

And Now, Uncle Roberto On How His EADJ Segment Is Different From "Ask A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs"

A few EADJ readers have brought up the comment that my advice segment is noticeably similar to the more recent one where a man attempts to answer questions but is stifled by a woman squeezing his head between her thighs. I personally don't see it, but here's what we know after careful consideration:

 • Both segments begin with answering a question about how to do something or what something is

• Both tend to veer off subject for cheap laughs

• The Uncle Roberto segment almost always completes the answer in full, whereas the other one never does

• There is nothing overtly sexual about the Uncle Roberto segment

• Uncle Roberto's photo was taken off a real limo driver's business card. The main photo for the other segment is a screenshot from the SheWrestles.com fetish site.

And speaking of "veering off", one time I was driving to a ski chalet in Telluride, and the road got so slippery, I almost hit a full grown moose! Stay safe, kids.

Emily VENTS 3 in Terrifying 3D

Here's that semi-irregular segment where Emily Kane sounds off on whatever cheeses her off that day. She is not being compensated for these unsolicited opinions.

Previously, Emily vented about the social posts of Potbelly Sandwiches. This time, she'll be venting about the social posts of Potbelly Sandwiches.

No scarecrow needed.

Yer so bad. Wipe your mouth, MS Paint.

Yes, I’ll have the Barbara Streisandwitch.  Extra nose. 

“Anyway, here’s Wonderwall”

Eat a sandwich, dick.

I admit their sandwiches look better when photographed in a prison cell.  

#foreveralone

Hey, I’m sandwiches for hands guy, now gimme some candy!

Just like grandma used to make. 

Extra Cap’n Crunch and croutons, please.  I’d like all the skin hanging from the roof of my mouth, if possible.

…

A gif in which a snowman dies.  You think it’s a latte but no.  Hot soup.

This belongs in the worst diorama anyone has ever made.

It's like they're on to me.

The Literal Dehumanization of the NJ Transit Survey

I rode on the NJ Transit train recently and found the latest Transit survey brochure. This year it didn't have the old familiar crowd of six characters as featured in previous brochures:

No, this time someone just chose to fire up Microsoft Excel instead and turn a cheap chart into the brochure's main visual. It breaks my heart and makes my retinas bleed:

Instead of our beloved six, there's now an ugly pie chart with five wedges. WTH? Here's a forensic breakdown of what we think happened to the beloved six and which wedges of the pie chart they morphed into:

"Jesse" = FY14

Jesse's boring, conservative persona has been distilled into a harmless navy blue wedge. It won't offend anyone, and it matches perfectly with any pair of khakis you may be wearing to Rush.

"Jess" = FY13

Jess became the slightly brighter, more confident blue wedge of the pie. Her energy and verve have been captured with this fun-loving, friendly shade of azure. You go, Jess!

"Trina" = FY15

Leave it to Trina to boast a lusty purple wedge. The color almost matches her too-tight top and it's top-heaviness echoes her physique.

"Angie" and "Simon Peter" = FY12

Yeah, I know, it's unfair that they have to share a wedge. Mainly because she's a disembodied head, and he's a friggin' useless tool, so they add up to one. Life ain't fair, Charlie.

"Don With The Thumbs" = FY16

The man of the hour gets not only the biggest slice but the most flamboyant color the printers had available. This feels right because DWTT is all about calling attention to himself and being generally awesome. Good on ya, Don!

Did we make the right match ups? Text "USELESSANALYSIS" to 53562 to tell us or to submit your own ideas! Message and Data Rates May Apply

The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Models: What Would They Drive?

It certainly has been a long enough time (June 2014, to be exact) since we visited the models in the baffling NJ Transit brochure. Today we ponder the question, if they didn't have to ride on a commuter train to work, what type of car would these motherfuckers drive? Here now is a fun, rhetorical exercise:

1. Jesse: 1972 Cutlass Supreme

The rugged lines and powerful motor of the 1972 Cutlass Supreme would go to waste with Jesse as its owner, whose slack ass would turn it quickly into a "hoarder car" filled with cheeseburger wrappers.

2. Jess: 1997 Pontiac Grand Am

An average gal like Jess, driving an average, champagne (!) colored piece of shit Pontiac? That seems about right.

3. Angie: 2009 Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport

What can we say? Angie applies herself.

4. Trina: 1993 Chevy Lumina Van (Blue)

One would think with cleavage flashing like that, that Trina would end up with a nicer car. But here's what you don't understand: Trina has a bad back from her boobs and needs to load groceries from Costco without straining. It's a medical thing. Try not to judge.

5. Don With The Thumbs: 2003 Ford Taurus

Who's got two thumbs and tools around in an unremarkable rental car? THIS GUY

6. Simon Peter: Goat Cart, Circa 1926

Simon Peter is a suck-up and an idiot. This is what he deserves. Fuck him.

The Maddening Complexities of the New Jersey Transit Survey Brochure

Commuting to New York from New Jersey is both a frustrating and harrowing ordeal, twice a day. NJ Transit has attempted to gauge riders' satisfaction levels with an online survey, and here is the flyer that they placed on all the train seats one morning:

So, neat. A survey brochure. I was about to simply throw this thing away until I noticed the odd configuration of the people in the photo. Something about the way they were engaging was unnatural, artistic or subconsciously obscene. Or all three. Here now we dissect this photo, the possible motivations of each person in the photo, and the overall message that it's trying to convey.

In order to explore all the intricacies and subtleties of this photo, however, it is important that we tag the people in the shot. The following is an arbitrary assignment for clarification purposes. These are not the real names of the models. We'll find those out one day.

"Jesse" represents the everyman spectator. He is content observing the action from a distance, allowing himself sufficient time to react before jumping in.

"Jess" is more of an engager. Basking in the glow of the giant orange starburst, her extroverted ways allow her to seize moments and even cause change. Her spirit animal is the gazelle.

"Angie" is the out-of-touch introvert. She longs for social interaction- and perhaps even a moment of intimacy- but her shyness and the fact that she's stuck in another row keep her from achieving her goals. She gets shit for pay.

"Trina" is the jezebel flirt. With her tits out and her head thrown back, she uses her feminine wiles to advance her agenda, whether it be get into the boss' pants or get into the boss' brother's pants. What a hoo-ore.

"Don With The Thumbs" shares the same situation as "Angie" but acts to better himself. He actively throws himself over into the conversation, becoming THE focal point of the entire picture. His shameless two thumbs point everyone's eyeline his way. Some may describe his methods as crude and Macchiavellian.

"Simon Peter" is what's known as a 'passive enforcer.' He tries nobly to redirect the energy of the train car back into the originally intended center of the group. His role here is a foil to "Don With The Thumbs," arguably to little effect.

Some of you might notice that there is both a "Jesse" and a "Jess," which could lead to confusion. Why would we name two people next to each other so similarly when we had tens of thousands of other names to pick instead? Good question.

And for those of you who deal in Tarot cards, here are the character analogs:

Jesse = Judgement

Jess = Strength

Angie = The Hermit

Trina = The High Priestess

Don With The Thumbs = Death

Simon Peter = The Fool

The overall chi of the train car can also be observed and measured, as the following chart indicates, assigning attention points per interaction:

The complexities of this photo can be appreciated even more when placed in context with other seemingly unrelated items. For example, here is a picture hanging in a New York Au Bon Pain (it means "of the bread"):

Now, watch what happens when we take this innocent photo and overlay it on the NJ Transit brochure:

Boom! The composition is virtually identical! Jesse turns into a pretzel loaf, Jess becomes the fluffy pumpernickel, Angie turns into an oversized bagel, Trina melds into a San Francisco sourdough, and Simon Peter's pointing finger becomes a serrated knife with sweetrolls. UNCANNY.

As we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the meaning, context and cultural repercussions of this amazing photo, we will continue to examine the layers of meaning in this masterwork in installments, i.e. EADJ blog segments.

Spotted In Jersey

Have a dangerous assignment? Have no one to turn to? Turn to THE TRANSPORTER.

Are you in possession of a dangerous package that you need to deliver to Chinese gangsters by midnight? Do you need to avoid the involvement of the Feds, the local police, and rival gangs? You need THE TRANSPORTER.

THE TRANSPORTER drives only his Hyundai Elantra. He will NOT drive one of your armored town cars or illegally modified Lamborghini Countachs.

Also, THE TRANSPORTER can't drive an errand for you if the destination is the Millburn Center Strip Mall. He is no longer allowed on the premises after an incident at Foot Locker.

Got missile codes that need to be delivered to the agency head of Counter Terrorism? Need to deliver a one-of-a-kind life saving serum to an orphanage before a typhoon strikes in 2 hours? You need THE TRANSPORTER.

Need to unload alien technology with the CIA on your trail? Need to get a crucial time machine part to its inventor before his evil double from the future gets it? Trying to get a meteorite to the President to help him fight the Wolfman mafia? IT'S TIME TO CALL THE TRANSPORTER.

Except you should call his cell phone and not his home phone, because his roommate is a dick and doesn't always take down all of his messages. Not his roommate Todd, his roommate Dillon. Todd is cool.

Dear Taco Bell, Samsung, Pioneer Stereo, Kia Motors, KFC, Miracle Whip, Skechers, Speed Stick, Boost Mobile, Fructis Shampoo, Ray Ban, JC Penney, Bridgestone Tires, Fandango and The Arizona Tourism Board:

It's 2012 (soon to be 2013), guys. Can we cut the crap with showing a group of young people riding around in a convertible as a symbol of "good times" and "freedom?" And not just any group of happy young people- a specifically multi-cultural group of happy young people. It is a tired, hackneyed cliché that needs to drive over the Grand Canyon wearing kerchiefs and holding hands. 

Now, what using this cliché in your commercials tells me is that not only are you unimaginative as an advertiser, you have such fear of offending anyone that you create this utopian bullshit peace-on-earth focus-group-generated gang of freshly-scrubbed teenagers, something I have yet to witness in my lifetime. It's actually more racist when you think about it. "Hey! Look how well the Asian guy gets along with the girl who's half black/half white!"

Also, a convertible? Every fucking time? I realize it makes it easier to shoot the entire group, but it's so weird to see something on TV so often THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Well, maybe in Santa Monica.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

You could almost take any of these stock photos, slap a random logo on it, and it would look like something you'd see on TV. That's a good idea. Let's try that now:

Man, advertising is easy.