Scheduled Appearances For VidCon 2023

VidCon is the latest gathering of content creators, influencers, and. useless dipshits social media stars, all in one place. Here are the latest digital luminaries to catch at this exciting new convention:

• Live daily podcasts from Gaff and the Nook from the second stall in the men's bathroom

• Make up blogger Thomas the Swank Injun will do touch-ups on a dozen faces in only 8 minutes

• Live music from Miranda Sings

• Prank Boyz and the Hidden Camera Gotcha Cru will battle to the death, to everyone's delight

• Jojo Siwa will drive past the building for $50,000

• Mommy blogger Carmen Disaratada will whoop your kid's ass live for likes

• Instagram comedian Disfigurement will take questions

• IG filter expert Shanna V will show everyone her real face for 3 seconds

• Get food poisoning by a variety of TikTok chefs

• Manosphere events will take place in a van in the parking deck

• Controversial puppeteer WHOGIVESASHIT will headline both Friday and Saturday

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of July 5

Hashtags are like little ferret turds. Which makes Twitter an angry, diseased, generally unpleasant ferret with a limited vocabulary. Go ahead and use these underused hashtags in your next ferret rant:

#hotaxes

#donginmysoup

#gastricbypassblooperreel

#thewindthroughmybackhair

#JamesWoodswalkoffamestar

#picturingAngelaMerkelnaked

#bringingaRealDolltoLamazeclass

#rootingforthewhiteguyinblaxploitationmovies

The Off-Brand TP Round-Up, 2016 Edition

See 2015's entry here.

Brand: Millennium Mor-Soft M600

Brand Imagery: A stylized letter M that looks like a brown lady's nether-parts

Brand Promise: It is "more soft." But more soft than what? Gravel?

Feels Like: Setting off an M80 in your arse.

Brand: Certo

Brand Imagery: Either stackable cups, a worm or an uncircumcised green penis

Brand Promise: Unknown. "We're certain your ass will be clean?"

Feels Like: Having your anus booed at by apes

Brand: Medline

Brand Imagery: What looks like a spinning top logo. Very sharp and pointy. The name "Medline" sounds like it's going to give you a bloody bunghole.

Brand Promise: PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS IN TOILET

Feels Like: Sitting on a weaver's spinning, dry spindle

Brand: Monogram

Brand Imagery: Boring blue stripe. Boring logo.

Brand Promise: You will not notice us. We are average.

Feels Like: A stealth fighter's exhaust burning your bum.

Brand: Chalet

Brand Imagery: Downton Abbey

Brand Promise: A more proper, civilized way to wipe your filthy asshole.

Feels Like: Two gnarled twigs playing polo between your cheeks

Take A Long Walk Off A Short Racist Appliances!