The Off-Brand TP Round-Up Returns

Brand: Platinum Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A piss yellow wrapper with a background of either clouds or fried chicken

Feels Like: 2-ply fried chicken

Brand: Monogram Toilet Tissue Rolls

Brand Features: Features CLEANING and DISPOSABLES(?) with little blue leaves

Feels Like: Getting a wedgy in burlap bike shorts

Brand: Crystal 525

Brand Features: A white dove and white flowers

Feels Like: Wiping with parchment on fire

Brand: Softouch Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A nondescript blue oval. Some friendly rounded letters.

Feels Like: Getting slapped on the anus with streamers

Brand: Elegant Essentials

Brand Features: "Made With 100% Recycled Fibers"

Feels Like: Some of those fibers were steel wool from the apocalypse

It's Time To Play 'Which Can, Erickson?' 2021

Forgot how to play this game? That's okay–it's been a while.

Match the toilet to the location below, indicated by the type of specialty pastry:

A. Timber Cove, Jenner, California -- Bahulu

B. Replay Arcade and Bar, Chicago -- Bierock

C. Mellow Mushroom, Wake Forest, NC -- Briouat

D. Detroit Zoo -- Baklava

E. The Breslin, NYC -- Buko Pie

F. Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum, Farmington Hills, MI --Bundevara

The answers tomorrow!

It's Time To Play 'Which Can, Erickson?'

Try to match these six toilets with their correct locations:

A) Roebling Tea Room, Williamsburg
B) The Guggenheim Museum, NYC
C) Toucan Cleric's Fun
D) Newark Airport
E) Public Restroom in New Zealand
F) TGIFriday's in Hazlet, NJ

The answers tomorrow!


Editor's Note: That's not my pee in #2.