Introducing The Two Schools Of Misplaced Pathmark Merch: "On Top" and "Amongst"

Continuing our piece on how "Pathmark" segments fall into either "On Top" or "Amongst" categories. Today we will devote the entire entry to "Amongst" items:

A List Of Subjects That "Club Bangers" Mention In Their Lyrics In Order Of Descending Frequency

 

• Having a good time
• Forgetting about your troubles
• "The club"
• Putting one's hands up
• The dance floor (getting on/evacuating)
• Shaking one's posterior
• The weekend/the fact that it's Friday
• Being inebriated
• Thanking the DJ
• Apathy about tomorrow/the future
• Turning things out
• Bottles
• One's cell phone
• Girls/models at aforementioned club
• Partying all night
• Whether or not the place is "jumping"
• Cheating on your significant other
• Pitbull
• The large amount of money that one has
• The Lost Colony of Roanoke and how 115 settlers disappeared from Roanoke Island in present day North Carolina in 1590, leaving the only clue- the word "CROATOAN" carved on a nearby tree.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Sure, Lil' Wayne, if your last name is Carter, go ahead and associate yourself with a lackluster Disney movie. At least Jay-Z passed on this cover.

Hey, you missed three of the candles, Ya Boy. Trappy Birthday, anyway (I make it a point to avoid listening to any mixtapes that include the word "trap" in it).

Gucci Mane and Rocko wonder where the hell AAA is when they said they'd send someone over in 20 minutes. I mean, this is a dangerous neighborhood.

There's nothing Presidential about being afraid of dandelions.

A shrink ray has rendered five popular rappers unable to play a decent game of b-ball, so there's nothing left to do but sit glumly on the now-enormous basketballs and enjoy some fireworks.

1) If your girlfriend enters your number as 'BOYFRIEND' in her cell phone, she probably doesn't think that much of you.

2) Three guys' names on top of "MUSIC WE CAN FUCK TO" sounds like they're either ready for a gang bang or are speaking to each other. Knock yourselves out, fellas.

3) When the word "FUCK" is in the title of the mixtape, I'm pretty sure the Parental Advisory sticker is unnecessary. But people these days bring babies to a midnight movie, so who knows.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents The Casino Job

Let me start off by warning you that this review might be a wee tad shorter than other Crappinema write-ups, mainly because the DVD to this movie had been damaged after being tossed about in the K-Mart cutout bin. The disc caused the movie to crash and skip entire key scenes throughout its viewing. And no, one of those "DVD Scratch Repair Kits" wouldn't help, either.

"The Casino Job" is the story of four attractive women Jennifer, Amber, Paradise and Torri (and their boyfriends) who pull off a huge heist in a Vegas casino using only the power of their boobs and their feminine wiles. Which includes boobs. Witty dialogue? No. Magnificent scenic vistas? Nope. Boobs? HEY, BUDDY, YOU'RE IN LUCK!!!!

The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Her: Shit! That's a waste of two days.

Him: He's out. No pun intended.

Him: So what do you got going on for the next 12 hours?

Her: Why?

Him: Cuz, I think maybe you could come over for a little while.

Her: And do what?

Him: Well, I was just… you could just…

Her: How about… twenty minutes of foreplay, followed by some hard sweaty fucking… I'll start by getting down on my knees and taking off your pants…

H

im: (removing his sunglasses) Shut up. Just shut up.

(She looks confused)

Him: You had me at hard sweaty fucking.

(they kiss stupidly)

Well, shit. This was a formatting nightmare.

Overall grade: F

Still, tits.