UAG

The Newest Guest Additions to VidCon 2025!

VidCon is back and promises the hottest and biggest influencers and content creators to appear live on stage, so get your tickets now! Here are the latest additions to an already stellar guest roster:

• Reactor Core hosts Jamie and Corg react to live footage of themselves onstage!

• TikToker Samantha O' Shush will do NPC emoji reactions if you throw a nickel at her!

• Live Discussion: Was the Dancing Baby too sexy?

• Bro

• Instagram chefs Bailey, Congress and JuntaJunta will prepare lunch for anyone who wants to gamble with their life

• In Memoriam tribute to OnlyJayus's TikTok and YouTube accounts

Happy New Year from Eat A Dick Joel

May your 2025 be like your 2024 but with less scabies, family fights in the parking lot of a Perkins Restaurant, and fewer probation denials!

UAG

Some More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

Lou at the Flying Zone kiosk in the Valley Fair Mall in West Valley City, UT

• All this radiation is probably bad for my health

• Is that baby trying to shoplift a drone?

• I wonder if that clerk in Qdoba fucks like a beast

Kara at the Flying Zone kiosk in the Valley Fair Mall in West Valley City, UT

• These shoes are pretty good, but my dogs are still barking

• I wonder if this counts as flight time for pilots

• That last episode of Westworld didn't make any sense

Kara at the T-Mobile kiosk in the Kittery Outlet Mall in Kittery, ME

• I bet I could karate chop this table in half in one try

• That guy has a nice ass

• How do I tell my brother about the dent in the PT Cruiser?

Roger at the Straight Ahead kiosk in the Cascade Mall in Burlington, WA

• This job is crimping my style, ha ha

• How do we know that Thanos killed only half of humanity? Could he be lying?

• Lobster rolls are pretty gross when you think about it

Douglas at the Premier Cosmetics kiosk in the Potomac Mills Mall in Woodbridge, VA

• All this stuff is so worthless, I bet I could go to a third matinee today and people still wouldn't swipe anything

• That punching game at the carnival is totally rigged. I'm way stronger than that.

• I bet I could go home for the night and nobody would swipe anything from the kiosk

Tanya at the Hickory Farms kiosk in the North Shore Square Mall in Slidell, LA

• Even though it's well-ventilated, I go home reeking of sausage like a punk

• Nobody buys this shit in the summer. It's all gross when it's hot.

• I bet some frosted tips would look pretty sweet on me

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of October 9

Twitter is the tool of tools. The mouthpiece of morons. The megaphone of ultra-douches. But even the tooliest douches refuse to use the following hashtags. So go ahead and emblazon your dumb tweets with them yourself, you bottom-feeder:

#gazellepussy

#abstinencefetish

#MarioKartfairness

#PuncturedLungIdol

#knittedcrackpipecozy

#TedCruzinalobsterbib

#KochBrotherscrowdfunding

#PantsOnTheGrounddubstepremix

#HarveyWeinsteinteambuildingexercise

Gray Pants Was Depressed.

Gray Pants was depressed.

Supermarket Kneepads wondered what was wrong.

Folding Step-Stool was terrified.

Gas Pump Nozzle Holder bit his upper lip.

Green Railing Bracket sucked a dick.

Princess Leia was shocked.

And this one submitted by Emily Kane: "Aunt's Guestroom Bedpost is about to get into some old timey boxing."

A Minor News Hiccup

The other night on CBS 2 News, Kristine Johnson was reading some fluff piece while the video was playing onscreen and started having a coughing fit. The camera cut back to the news desk, and our girl Kristine was downing some filtered vodka water.

She quickly recovered, apologized and finished the segment. With absolutely no help from Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood"), thank you very much.

And since we're on the subject, here are some photos of women that kind of look like Kristine Johnson:

How To Write A Completely Non-Endorsing LinkedIn Recommendation

1) Use vague language to describe the person's job instead of the quality of their work.

2) Focus on how nice they are as a person, not at the quality of their work.

3) Write more about YOURSELF, instead of the quality of their work.

4) Use accurate but verbose language to describe the quality of their work.

5) Sound like an idiot, so that any recommendation you write actually backfires.

Spotted In A Duane Reade Store

On a package of 3-D Valentine's cards:

Hope, thy name is SATAN.

The ProofrEADJer, August Edition

The Only Four Scenarios Where This Photo Would Make Any Sense

Scenario 1: a buxom Indian princess is rescued from a stampeding herd by Tony Stark (using an experimental 'big head' design) and Peter Parker (who fell under a reverse-aging spell cast by Doctor Strange) with the help of Frankie Stein from Monster High. Everyone dies horribly.

Scenario 2: This is an alternate Marvel universe where Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider in his crib, thus allowing him to fight his nemeses, Racially-Insensitive Indian Squaw and Frankie Stein from Monster High. In this same alternate universe, Tony Stark is a terrible designer and can't get all of his armor to fit or work right. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 3: Frankie Stein from Monster High learns that her real Dad isn't Frankenstein's monster, but a hydrocephalic Iron Man and a racist Sofia Vergara. Her little brother is an inept Spider-Man fan who is too young to web sling successfully but tries to fight crime anyway with his family. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 4: A shitty Halloween superstore attempts to advertise their low-quality merchandise before the police catch on and close their 1-month lease. Everyone dies horribly.

Some Terrible Hip Hop Names

Nipsey Hussle


Nipsey Hussle is a West Coast rapper of Eritrean descent from the streets of Slauson & Crenshaw, meaning his peers are Snoop Dogg and Ice T.

From his website: "Nipsey Hussle earned his moniker by absorbing all the hood had to offer and profiting from it tenfold." There is no mention of Nipsey Russell and how such a young rapper had ever heard of him. I dunno, $100,000 Pyramid reruns?


Edgar Allen Floe


This guy's from North Carolina.

From Allhiphop.com: "Mal Demolish, Floe's partner in the group The Undefined, gave him this name in 1996, and Floe stuck with it saying, 'Edgar Allan Poe was a well-respected writer and storyteller. I tried to incorporate that into my standpoint. He was a dope writer; I'm trying to be a well respected and dope writer, so it all goes and in hand.'"

Okay. Fair enough. Still a stupid name, though.

Hue Hef


A South Carolina neighbor to Edgar Allen Floe, Hue Hef is steeped in "Dirty South" hip hop slang, meaning I don't even have to listen to it to know it totally blows.

Well, shit. I take that back. A rare Dirty South track that's not too bad:



If you would like to add Hue Hef as a friend on Facebook, click here.

Jackie Chain


Okay. This is the dumbest name yet. And yes, he wears a chain.

Here's an excerpt from somanyshrimp.com (?!):

Jackie’s perfected this style of rap that is super direct and determined and where there are no wasted words and every line is like a very pointed statement of purpose. I get the sense that he writes every rhyme two lines at a time and then connects them together for verses because all of his songs are about cars, drugs and girls, but it yields amazing results where his songs are just full of incredible couplets that are basically like mottos. Here are my favorites from “Diamonds & Cadillacs”, in random order and in all caps cuz Jackie is a very urgent rapper:

ALL ABOUT MY MAHNEY
SUNGLASSES ARMANI
BOUT TO HOLLER AT THIS BITCH THAT LOOK LIKE GWEN STEFANI

AC BLOWIN
WHOLE TRUNK BOOMIN
BIG BOY SHIT
CHROME GRILL AND WOMAN



Uh, no.

Frankly, I think Jackie Chain resembles the guy from this video:



And here's Jackie Chain's explanation of how he got his name (my name chose me, blah blah blah):



Honorable Mention– Worst Mixtape Name: Holla Burton