Info Wars Latest Conspiracies

"We'll see you at 11, but here are some dumbshit conspiracies we're working on:"

• Cryptocurrencies like bitcoin or dogecoin are actually the harvested souls of Egyptian slaves that will drag you to Hell when you try to cash them in.

• Those "Clipper Saver" coupon books you get in the mail actually contain coded messages from D.B. Cooper, who is alive and well and building a secret media empire from Washington state.

• Oprah is actually Tyler Perry.

• The Purina "HiPro Glow" commercials from the 90s were time traveling warnings about genetic testing and were actually radioactive, giving cancer to anyone who watched them on TV.

• Donald Trump is a regular, trustworthy guy who is selflessly acting in the best interests of this country and all its citizenry, but the evil, dishonest media is conspiring to foil him at every turn.

• On the 80s show "Fame," every time they sang the word "fame" in the theme song, the Jews would kidnap another Christian pet.

Are You Ready For Some PATHMARK???!!!

Special "Hat and Accessories" Edition:

Viva La Revolucioracist Appliances!

Coming Soon: The Soft Nougat Of Montelimar

Towering over the crumbled wasteland of processed snacks and inorganic foodstuffs stands the noble, the mighty, the golden Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

[Play this music while reading on]



O Grandiloquent,
O Vaunted,
O Most High Soft Nougat

Upon The Bounteous Peaks of Montelimar
Ye Standeth as a Clarion Beacon
Bearing witness to the mortal struggles of the lowly chemical snacks
The foul, superficial brittleness of the crisp
The vulgar impurity of the milk chocolate
The base, waxy peanuttiness of the peanut butter wafer
All lie as mere dirt between the toes of servants to the Most Pure Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

With Honey of Lavendar
And Misspelled Glucose Syrop
Thy bounty showers forth in a Vanilla Aroma most Natural

Sending forth the sensations of taste in a combination unseen heretofore!
Laying to waste and dust generations of inferior apéritifs!

IT IS A PRODUCT OF FRANCE.

Bow before the Nougat, unworthy Pringle!
Bow before the Nougat, undeserving Chiclet!
Bow before your Master, Bite-Sized Pretzel!
Bow before your King, all ye inferior snacks, both salty and sweet!

BOW BEFORE THE EXALTED, THE MOST HIGH SOFT NOUGAT OF MONTELIMAR!



Available at Whole Foods and some GNCs. May contain eggs.

How Nice.

A girl brings enough pizza for the entire flight.

An Appropriate Reaction.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

How We Do in BKLYN

(pictured above, my neighbor Peter learned that he had to chain his plants up when leaving them outside to get fresh sun after one was stolen. Which reminds me– I totally forgot to ask him how often to water the ficus.)

Found Item!

This business card on the Atlantic / Pacific platform in the subway:


You know, minor spelling error aside, I can respect the dude whose every skill listed on his business card is an attempt to get laid. Cheers, Andre!

My Joel Overfloweth.

Some selections from Joel's suggestion box posted outside the apartment complex clubhouse:

Hey Joel, how about not eating dick so late in the night by the pool. Some people on the ground floor are trying to sleep!

Joel– i am a 42 year old mother of 2. Your activites are inappropriate for young children, so I am having them sent to their grandmother. Now I can party with you, hot body!

my name is Queromo. i from venezuelan. you eat my dick last saturday and now i hab silverfish in my home. you should bathe

HeyJoel: How about Yoohoo in the vending machines? I know the machines aren't refrigerated, but i don't think Yoo Hoo needs to be refrigerated, does it? Please? Or are you not even in charge of the drink machines? Fuck off!

SUGGESTON: ALL OF US NEED TO LEARN TO USE SPELLCHECK

Hello. My name is Andrew Gall. No suggestion here. Porkchop sandwiches! Look at all your different colored hats!

(pictured above, Tom Weingard goes window shopping)

Joel owes dick.

Experian, Equifax and Transunion tried to contact Joel regarding his terrible credit score. All three credit report companies usually take an impartial, hands-off approach with individuals' scores, but Joel's shockingly low score has melted their stone-cold hearts and moved them to try to help him.

It all began when Joel promised to pay some Honduran dude to eat his dick. Months went by and the Honduran dude kept on asking Joel to pay up, but Joel never returned his calls. Instead, he started eating other Honduran dudes' dicks, offering them money for the pleasure and leaving a trail of IOU's. As luck would have it, most of those Honduran dudes work for a very powerful collection agency in Tegucigalpa. The collection agency, unfortunately named El No Payo Uppo Y Ruin Yo Credito Scoro, tried many, many times to collect from Joel, but he just laughed it off or told them they had the wrong number.

Fast forward 3 years to today. Joel's credit score is somewhere below 320. He cannot borrow from the bank now to build his "dream house with a dick-eating grotto." He is refused a New Releases rental at every Blockbuster store, and most bait shops demand payment up front from him.

EADJ is sad to report that Joel now refuses to return any phone calls from Experian, Equifax, and Transunion, even though they've been leaving messages on his machine that say they're desperately worried about him.

Attention Joel: STOP EATING DICK AND ANSWER THE PHONE. We're all worried about your debts (even though none of us will lend you that fiver you keep asking for).

(pictured above, Matt Spett enlists the help of a Best Buy employee to fix his computer)