Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Where is that vase... Ah, screw it. Never mind."

"Oh no! It's right over there but the budget dictates that it's invisible! And now there are three of them!"

"So what did you do this weekend?"

"Not much."

"Hey! Which one of you jurors pooped in the juror box?!"

"They're getting away with the treasure! Let's go!"

"No, I have to get dressed!"

"THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT. LET'S GO."

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Okay, I bought a thousand copies of 'Brewster's Millions'. How much was that?"

"I'm back, Dad! Wait, you didn't even notice I was gone?! 🙁"

"Wait, where's my horse? THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS!"

"Me, Jane. You, white man in jungle trying to co-opt primate culture for likes."

"F"

"You want to hire the Iceman? Yeah, I'll ice anybody you need me to ice, for the right price. You're not a cop, are you? Because icing somebody means killing, which is illegal."

"Barney, I think we're about to have a pointless, wacky foot chase around the castle and end up in exactly the same spot!"

"This pillow you got from D.C. is so delightfully soft! The feathers are so bouncy! What was the secret, you say?"

"I know what you're gonna say. I get it all the time. But yeah, I am not him. I admit, my name is similar. So don't even make a joke about it and start talking funny."

"Привет!"

How Not To Be A Racist, As Illustrated By A Foldable Tent Instruction Page

You know it. I know it. But everyone else doesn't have to know that you're a terrible racist. Here's a handy guide to how to not act like a racist in social situations.

1) Take a quick look at your racism. Ugly, isn't it? Why do you even hate people from Guam and Puerto Ricans? They're Americans, too, you know.

2) Take both hands and SQUEEZE that racism down to a more manageable size. You'll immediately notice that there's a lot of resistance to getting smaller, but keep at it.

3) Find the part of your racism that secures the rest of it. Now use your free hands to hide your open hatred of immigrants, even though your grandparents were immigrants themselves!

4) You're about to interact with other people in a moment. Keep that irrational hostility towards Native Americans and Hispanics in check. Now stand up.

5) There you go! Keep smiling during your interactions with people, and whatever you do, make sure your free arm doesn't swing up in a Sieg Heil salute, you piece of shit!

Some Perks and Features That Are Being REMOVED From the AMC Stubs Rewards Program

Usually, we like to update AMC Stubs Members on all the new perks and benefits being added to their membership. But lately, due to abuse of the program, the following membership perks will be discontinued immediately:

• Ability to yell four free racial slurs at the screen per movie screening

• Free usher taintrubs

• Bonus rewards points for guessing the ending and telling everybody

• Free used nachos

• Guy making popcorn will nod as you discuss with him filmmakers like Kubrick and Buñuel

• Free pirated DVD copies of movies that have already been released on DVD and reduced to the bargain bin

• Free large "cock-corn". Don't ask.

Newly Added Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

AMC in association with uncomfortable furniture are proud to announce the latest benefits to the massively successful AMC Stubs Rewards Program. New members as well as current cardholders can enjoy these new perks:

• Free flashlight to check out that Latina's ass

• Free neck pillow for any Terrence Malick movies

• The AMC Stubs app will electrocute you if you log into Netflix

• Personalized license plate: STUBBY ME

• AMC employees will let you try on one of their stinky vests

• The ability to suddenly know all of NaS's lyrics by heart

• You're still thinking about that Latina's ass, aren't you

• Free pair of pants that don't really fit you but they're so nice you'll take a pair, whatever

• Good times (not the show)

• We will teach you how to correctly use the phrase "gig economy" in a sentence

• Seriously, dude, that ass

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On The Name of a Marriott Residence Meeting Room in Deptford, NJ

Movie studios are running out of ideas fast. So they are resorting to desperate measures, like starting entire movie franchises on matchbook covers and Dixie cup riddles. This time, four major studios are in a violent bidding war to release a film with the title "Breakfast Overflow." Here are their pitches:

Sony Pictures: "Breakfast Overflow" starring Michelle Monaghan and Josh Gad. An unsuspecting newlywed couple finds a supernatural toaster at a flea market and find themselves surrounded by an endless supply of delicious breakfast foods. This puts a strain on their marriage and even causes them to reconsider getting another dog. Directed by Anna Foerster (Underworld: Blood Wars).

Universal Pictures: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Eli Roth. This self-aware grindhouse horror flick portrays a boyfriend and girlfriend (Joshua Jackson and Zoe Saldana) who get lost while hiking in the backwoods of the Deep South. They're captured by a cult run out of a converted IHOP restaurant and are forced to try all 67 signature plates in one sitting. Special gore effects by master Shane Mahan.

Disney/Pixar Studios: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Brad Bird. A lonely English muffin (voiced by Kaya Scodelario) left on the shelf of a Costco finds friendship, heartbreak and love with the help of a sausage (John Ratzenberger), a grapefruit (Danai Gurira), two eggs (Simon Pegg and Jane Horrocks) and a Belgian waffle (Jean Claude Van Damme). Soundtrack by Randy Newman.

Warner Brothers Studios: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Brad Peyton. A factory that produces microwave breakfast foods gets overtaken by corporate terrorists (Robert Patrick, Adam Driver and Jamie Hector), and it's up to one security guard (Dwayne Johnson) to grab a spatula and take them all over easy. Also starring Jacob Tremblay as a kid lost during a tour and Elizabeth Gillies as the receptionist-cum-munitions expert.

And Now For "Avalanche Sharks," The "All Trump Transition Team" Edition

"But none of these are funny," you'll say. And I'll agree.

More Taglines For A Movie That Would Probably Stay On The Shelf At Blockbuster Video If Blockbuster Video Still Existed

Can We Please Cut The Crap, Part II

Read this previous entry to see what the hell we're talking about.