This entry has been written after 6, SIX glasses of red wine.
Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster is what you want, when you want it, with what you want: primarily lobster meat and sometimes imitation crab meat mixed in because fuck it– how are you going to find out? Here now are some new service styles that we're preparing for you this week:
• John Abbett Thompson graduates from technical college with a degree in electrical engineering, which now helps him land a very good job with a contracting firm in southwest Arkansas and finally allow him to provide his wife and kids with the stability and income that they long for. Now that's a wacky-ass way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• We roll lobster meat into "lobster turds." We load the turds onto a cribbage board and walk around the restaurant, asking anyone if they're interested in "playing cribbage." Only nerds and very old men will want to play, so they get awarded with a mouthful of turds. Jumping fuck, if that isn't one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• We rent a baby hippo and feed it a ton of lobster meat (literally). We then let it roam the restaurant, making its loud hippo noise and knocking shit over like the adorable pup it is. When it comes to your table to beg for lobster meat, you better feed that bad boy, because if you refuse, we'll unleash its mother, and hippos have been known to bite a man to death to protect their young. Seriously. Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster? Yes sir!
• Four crates are loaded with lobster and are placed on a large lazy Susan. Each crate is numbered 6 to 9. A man dressed as American writer Mark Twain walks in and tells some witty, heartwarming stories about growing up in the South and the racial divide. When he is finished, everyone applauds and some servers take away the four crates without explanation. Red Lobster would like you to know that that is Lobsterfest® happening right there.
• Peter Berg, the director of the summer movie "Battleship," is asked to come "direct" a night of Lobsterfest® at the restaurant of his choosing. Peter Berg, somewhat confused but always game, picks our location in Pasadena and transforms the grounds into a gigantic (and woefully inaccurate) Spanish galleon– that has nothing to do with lobster and nothing to do with our brand. When someone questions him about his choices on this matter, he points at the $65 million domestic box office results for "Battleship." We shut up and give him free rein. Hey, it's Peter Berg.
• We invite children to make snowmen out of our frozen lobster meat. Their parents are furious when the children stink up the interior of their vehicles with the disgusting permanent stench of substandard lobster. Meanwhile, look at these cool snowmen! Happy holidays from Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! This is going to be the best Christmas ever!
